Could your marriage survive an affair?

[NovemberMorn]

What are your thoughts? Having read many threads on MN in the last month or so, I am guessing the majority of posters will say a resounding No.
Till it happens.
When I was younger, I would have said definitely not.
Now...possibly.

Well it would be a weird marriage if you felt you could survive an affair before it happened, surely if you love someone that's got to feel unimaginable and unforgivable?

Only people I can imagine being confident in claiming they would survive it are those in marriages of convenience.

No

We had too many words last year and broke up and are in the process of possibly working things out. I honestly would never ever have thought we were anything other than solid. It’s hard enough coming back from home truths, a betrayal like that I think you could try but in the end you’d have to go separate ways

Mine didn’t. I wasn’t interested in it surviving when I found out he was cheating and went to a divorce lawyer as soon as I found out. I was horrified, hurt, betrayed and there was no f-ing way I was putting up with being treated like that. Haven’t spoken to him since. I’m sad he treated me like that, and valued our (25 year) relationship so little, but no regrets.

I wouldn’t want it to ‘survive’, I’m worth more than that. It’s not about the marriage surviving, I’m more important than my marriage.

I think many marriages can and do survive an affair.
Neither do I think it's a lack of self worth if the wife, or husband forgives, more a sign of strength in some cases.

I should think one night stands, or simple boredom, would be more likely to end a marriage.

It's easy to say an affair would be the end, I think a lot of people say that, then if it happens, they are not so quick to end it.

I think you misunderstood my post. I stated my marriage could survive an affair. With work.

No, because neither of us would accept infidelity from the other. Any affair would mean divorce.

I have a male friend, long term married. His wife has received two separate phone calls over the years informing her of his infidelity, with two different women. What she doesn’t know is that he has two long term fwb that he sees when he’s away from her.
I’m assuming that she’s with him for his money.

Yes I know.
I quoted your post because I actually agreed with your view rather than the majority of the others.
Sorry for the confusion.

Why would you assume that?
People stay with their partners for many different reasons.

True. I’ll assume she could be staying with him for many different reasons, from now on.

Maybe.

I know 2 couples that have. One the husband had self-esteem issues: his wife was amazing (smart, athletic, outgoing) and he clearly married up and felt overshadowed and flattered by the attention frome someone else. One the wife was quite abrasive generally so I could sort of see that her husband might have self-esteem issues. Both marriages seemed solid after.

We're just coming out of the baby and toddler stage in which I was aware I was exhausted/ grumpy/ emotional and my DH was hanging out with people out work who were probably much nicer and more fun. It did make me wonder if I would forgive certain circumstances. I also know I can't look after 2 kids on my own (with no family help) and couldn't get a mortgage on my own so would be screwed financially.

Definitely no from my point of view. If my husband wanted to throw a 50 year relationship away by having an affair, or even a drunken fumble, then I wouldn't be interested in any kind of explanation and he would be out of the door the same day. I still take my marriage vows very seriously and we've seen each other through some difficult times over the years, but the two absolute deal breakers for me would be any kind of domestic violence or infidelity.

God, yes. 100%. There are numerous things I’d find unforgivable, but having sex with someone else doesn’t rank amongst them. I certainly wouldn’t be ending my marriage over it.

As long as he was discreet about it, I’m not even sure I’d be all that bothered.

My relationship has survived cheating in the past but actually I don't think I'd weather another storm of infidelity.

I am 15 years older now and far less tolerant.
We have DC and I'd probably seize the opportunity to have free time to myself with shared custody.
I am no longer afraid of being alone. Maybe I'll meet someone else and maybe I won't. Either option is fine by me.
I think we have been through enough now and I just don't have the energy to be disrespected like that.

I think it's a shame you don't have better friends. 😕

Thankyou! 💜 I do have many better/ faithfully married friends. This particular friend is from school days, we met when were six and our mothers were close so our families are very well known to each other.

Everything would depend on the context. If I knew I had driven him to it by being neglectful, putting him last, putting him down, I could understand it.

If we had been (I thought) blissfully happy, great sex life, and it came like a bolt out of the blue, then probably not. Because if he could do that when everything was great, what hope could there possibly be?

Some people have affairs because the marriage has made them really miserable but they haven't left because they still love their partners and hold out hope for a better future. I think that's more understandable, if hardly ideal.

But some people say "I have a great spouse, I just want more" which makes me 😡and I hope those people rot in hell.

Put another way, it would depend on if the affair made sense or not. Bad marriage for two years or more? Possibly survivable. Greedy, entitled git? Almost certainly not.

Ideally, if the problems are so bad that someone is looking elsewhere, the spouse should sit their partner down and communicate HARD that they are at the end of their rope, and don't stop until the partner has heard them. But most people don't have such advanced communication skills, sadly.

A marriage? With kids? That would be difficult.

But I imagine if it was in the early stages on both sides of a developing relationship perhaps that could be overlooked because both parties were complicit and it really wasn't all that serious to begin with.

But once you pledge your allegiance and love with a person through marriage and then create life off the basis of that love through your union and then he/she has an affair?

God, that would be pretty unforgivable. And I guess as you will love that person so much, your instincts might want to stay and salvage it all but I imagine over time, replaying those memories of the concrete life you built with that person only for them to throw that all away for an insignificant affair would only fester resentment and hate in the long run, or at the least, deep-rooted sadness and unhappiness that would transpire into depression.

Absolutely not. One of the foundations of my marriage and love of my husband is how much he loves me. If he had an affair that very foundation would be rocked and I'd never believe it of him ever again. As well as never wanting to be with someone who ever questions me being his first choice. I have enough main character syndrome in my own life to believe I deserve a great love, despite hardships that I'm always his first choice and his love.

We may stay together but separate (with that understanding) until the kids were older or one of us was ready to move on, but we would never have a marriage again. And I know he'd feel the same.

I think it’s difficult to say until it actually happens. From what I see of friends who’ve decided to stay (or leave) it depends on several factors: the relationship, personalities of the parties, age of the partners, nature of the affair, willingness to fix things, whether kids are involved etc. I know people who have managed to work through it, and I also know people who haven’t. Before I got married I thought an affair was the worst thing a partner could do. Now I understand there are many other ways a partner can betray you even worse than an affair.

I would've thought the long term affairs end marriages. A ons could maybe be forgiven as a one off, was drunk, wasnt thinking, out with the lads kind of thing. Whereas a long term affair even an emotional affair requires more deceit, long term planning and disregard of the other partner.

Just saying I'd maybe get over a single one night stand, unlikely but maybe his dick is made of gold for the purposes of this post, I could never get over a long term affair, the planning it would take to keep me in the dark, the lies told, the uncaring about me and our relationship etc.