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Original poster

Will I ever not think about it

50 replies

gingerbreadgirl2 · 26/12/2024 14:58

I've posted before about what my boyfriend done, we have 3 young kids together, he had an affair and the ow got pregnant and kept the baby, our babies are 5 weeks apart.
When my boyfriend told me (only because the cms got in touch) my baby was 2 weeks old, now 7 months, anyway, if I'm not busy or asleep the only thing I can think about is the affair and that he has another child, he decided he didn't want a
Relationship with the child, totally his decision, I've stayed for a few reasons but thinking about it is driving me insane, don't think it will get less over time? Don't think he thinks about the other child all the time too?

OP posts:
Original poster
gingerbreadgirl2 · 26/12/2024 14:59

Was meant to say, do you think it will get less over time?

OP posts:
BrightLightTonight · 26/12/2024 15:10

No. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a lying, cheating piece of shit?

Original poster
gingerbreadgirl2 · 26/12/2024 15:11

@BrightLightTonight it's not as easy as that, we have 3 kids, 4, 2 and 7 months

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 26/12/2024 15:12

No, it festers and grows. Especially if you live nearby, same school. Playgroup soft play etc. then making sure they don't date when they are older because of incest.

Original poster
gingerbreadgirl2 · 26/12/2024 15:14

@Doggymummar we live about 25/30
Mins away, don't think we will bump into each other, surely some people eventually in time come to terms with what's happened, it's just at the moment if I'm not doing something it's all I can think about, he acts as if nothing has changed

OP posts:
WalterdelaMare · 26/12/2024 15:17

How can you stay with him? He’s deplorable.

Do you really want a future with someone who will never make you happy? I’d rather be a single parent.

Original poster
gingerbreadgirl2 · 26/12/2024 15:18

@WalterdelaMare easier said than done, with 3 young kids and 3k plus worth of bills to pay every month!

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 26/12/2024 15:22

Jesus op. So he had an affair, had another child and he’s abandoned his other child - what a prince. No you won’t stop thinking about it because you can’t trust him, and he’s a vile person for abandoning an innocent child, and you know it. Make 2025 the year you rid yourself of this horrible creature. No one is saying it’s easy and if you want to stay for the money that’s up to you (but very damaging for your kids), but you did ask for opinions..

Original poster
gingerbreadgirl2 · 26/12/2024 15:28

@Purplecatshopaholic if I thought I could get it all out of my head my life would be so much easier. Obviously I've heard all the crap about he regrets it and he'll never do it again blah blah and I thought we had such a good relationship. I kind of wish I didn't know

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 26/12/2024 15:28

How can you stay and have any respect for someone who stays away from his child and wants nothing to do with them? Even if you can forgive the lying and cheating. He's a shit father.

PiperLeo · 26/12/2024 15:30

I couldn't stop thinking about it after my ex cheated and there were no kids involved. I stayed for years because I was made to feel that nobody else wanted me and that I couldn't afford to pay for things on my own. He cheated again so the second time I kicked him out and dealt with it. Again, I didn't have kids but because you do, Universal Credit will help you out with finances. My DS is in the same position at the moment. She has just left her DH with their kids and the are currently sleeping in my DBs spare room. Housing are on the case and she has been advised that UC will help pay her rent if she has to go private. Good luck with whatever you choose. Also the fact that he has chosen to ignore the existence of the child. That's is awful. I'd be devastated for my child if their father chose to deny them. That's so sad.

pinkdelight · 26/12/2024 15:32

I could never get past it and don't see how you can no matter how many kids you have. He lied and cheated and acts like it's fine and normal. He'd do it again in a heartbeat and why wouldn't he as theres no consequences whatsoever for him. Your DC are young enough to get used to a separated co-parenting arrangement. You need to get used to that yourself because you'll never get used to this shit and if you did, your self respect and esteem would be destroyed anyway.

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 26/12/2024 15:36

I could potentially get over an affair (although not likely), but I couldn't get past him just opting out of his child's life like that. I think I'd lose all love and respect for him.

DaringlyPurple · 26/12/2024 15:53

I can understand in the circumstances why you're staying. It would be difficult to work with three young children under four. And it wouldn't be as if he'd take any of the load by taking the children for the weekend or whatever if you did split up. I think you need to have very reliable contraception so you don't have another child. Do you have any training for a job? If not, I'd concentrate on trying to get those skills.

ChristmasKelpie · 26/12/2024 15:56

No. There will never be a day goes by when you don't think about his betrayal or the child. You will never have a great day out or occasion that is not tainted by his affair.
Build your cash, get the paper work sorted and put plans in place.
Good luck, you and your children deserve so much better.

Original poster
gingerbreadgirl2 · 26/12/2024 16:00

I work part time, the in-laws help out, I went back to work when the baby was 6 weeks.
His parents know about the other baby and have said they will agree to not having the baby in their lives either, even though I know his mum without a doubt would want to have the baby in her life.
I have questioned how much he loves our kids and can have nothing to do with another one of his kids, surely if you knew the love you have for your own child you couldn't abandon one, I don't know, I don't know what to think about any of it. I know all of what he done is disgraceful but the bit that really hurts is he had sex with her when she was pregnant, I don't know why this hurts more than the rest of it

OP posts:
mumda · 26/12/2024 16:12

You can't magic away the other baby, but you can resolve a lot of the hurt by removing him from your immediate existence. He should be a dad to all his children. It's sad he isn't.

He made a mistake and you're all suffering in different ways.

Could your path to happiness is probably without him?

itsgettingweird · 26/12/2024 16:36

Think about it deep down and honestly.

Will it get easier? Do you think you'll suddenly start to grow and trust a man who happily fathered 2 children with 2 different woman weeks apart and doesn't actually have anything to do with - and refuses to have anything to do with - one of the children he fathered?

Do you think you'll always be trusting of where he is? What he's doing? What he tells you?

No - it's not easy being a single parent to 3 young children.

But is it any worse than being with someone you can't trust parenting 3 young children?

AmethystRuby · 26/12/2024 16:44

you probably wont ever get the same relationship back, he killed that. but you might be able to salvage something. i can imagine it cant be easy to leave as your children are so young. i would use this as an opportunity to get everything you want from the relationship and making sure he does everything and then some to make it up, including being the best father he possibly can for your children and doing everything right within the household. if it was me, i would absolutely milk him

Lovemusic82 · 26/12/2024 16:48

gingerbreadgirl2 · 26/12/2024 15:18

@WalterdelaMare easier said than done, with 3 young kids and 3k plus worth of bills to pay every month!

This wouldn’t be enough for me to stay sorry 😬. Many women manage alone without relying on a cheating man.

Im sorry but as long as you are with him you will not stop thinking about it. You have to look at his face every day knowing what he has done? And it’s unforgivable.

IBlameTheDog · 26/12/2024 16:49

I couldn't be with a man who turned his back on his own child.

My ex did that to our DC.

He sounds like an absolute shit. Why aren't you encouraging him to see all of his DC?

If I knew you irl I'm afraid I would judge you harshly for enabling and accepting such crappy behaviour.

Original poster
gingerbreadgirl2 · 26/12/2024 16:58

I have encouraged a relationship with his child buyer according to him he doesn't want one, who knows what's going on his head

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 26/12/2024 17:01

, I don't know what to think about any of it.

I'd imagine you know exactly what to think, and do, if/when you're ready to be honest with yourself.

FoolishHips · 26/12/2024 17:23

What everyone else has said, plus he's denying his own child a relationship with loving grandparents.

Creamcheesedreams · 26/12/2024 17:25

What about your children? Will they grow up not knowing about their half sibling?
They will find out eventually.
If they know, surely they will want a relationship with them.

And I guess the only reason you know he had sex w the OW is cos he got her pregnant?

He could easily been having, or will eventually have sex outside of your relationship if he gets to pretend it didn't happen and didn't even get a slap on the wrist!

All these questions are heavy, but they matter.
If other posters seem harsh is because they know that you gotta rip that plaster off earlier rather than later.
Later means more lasting pain for all involved, including yourself.

Take your time making a decision and don't let him pretend it didn't happen.

There is help out there, I know there's posters with way more helpful advice that know what services to speak to for help leaving and finding financial help.

I can't imagine being in your position and I'm so sorry it's happened to you. none of this is your fault.

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