Social services - will my child be removed?

[TheDeepPeachSloth]

Advice needed please,
Been married for 5yrs and have 3 y/o. Things with DH and I have been rough for a while and he’s said some things that haven’t been great but have accumulated over the years. When I’ve gone to mental health appointments they’ve suggested I go see women’s aid which I did and I’ve engaged, done the freedom programme but I’m not convinced it was DV. Just things said in heat of the moment/not thinking. It wasn’t a repeated pattern and it was never physical (I know abuse doesn’t have to be physical).

I left a while ago after 3 y/o said her dad had hurt her but have come back. I did tell DV agency about what she’d told me and they mentioned doing a C1 to social services. I did go to the police but they haven’t done anything yet. However, since then DD has told me several times that her dad didn’t hurt her, has never hurt her and so on.

We have not long gotten back but I’ve not told anyone really that I’m back, I’m scared to go out and be seen because I’m worried that our DD will be taken away.

Any advice?

They could potentially remove your child. You’ve shown that you’re not capable of safeguarding her.

It can be difficult to see DV when you are in the thick of it and there's no physical violence. But your child, at three, told you they had been hurt.

Read that again. Your 3-year-old could tell you they had been hurt and by whom. They said your partner did it. That should never come out of their mouth

You know there's something not working here, otherwise, you wouldn't need to hide the fact you have gone back, would you?

Leave and don't go back. You and your child deserve to be safe and happy, and this doesn't sound safe.

Put your child first and get out of this relationship. Numerous people who are experts in the field have told you that your husband is abusive, and this is clearly affecting your child, but you have chosen to go back to him.

'Marriage counselling' is not going to stop your husband being an abusive cunt. If you stay with him, this is what your daughter will think is normal and she'll end up trapped in a horrible abusive relationship one day too. Seriously, get away from this man.

And yes, if you fail to safeguard your child from someone who has been abusive to you, in front of her, and who she has reported has hurt her, of course your child could be removed.

The fact that she's retracted what she says means jack-shit, because SHE'S THREE YEARS OLD and she's basically twigged that her telling you that her daddy hurt her has made YOU stressed and miserable, so she's trying to make things 'normal' again.

Your child needs to be safe, and she needs to be safeguarded.

Joint counselling can never succeed where there is abuse.

Please put your little girl first, OP. Yes, she could be removed if you don't.

You're already worried about it, because you've kept quiet about getting back with your abusive ex.

We have not long gotten back but I’ve not told anyone really that I’m back, I’m scared to go out and be seen because I’m worried that our DD will be taken away

And there's your answer. You're afraid to tell SS that you're back together.

Come on, OP. What advice would you give your DD if she was an adult in this situation?

Why are you putting your vagina before your child? Honestly get rid of him and get another bloke - there's millions more out there

She'd be safer with somebody who prioritised her over men but unfortunately there are too few resources for social services to protect children. You probably won't face any consequences for moving an abuser back in - only your daughter will.

She said it. You believed it. It was a believable thing.

Your DD is growing up in a situation where people believe she could be hurt by her dad.

You believe he could hurt her.

He will say whatever it takes to get you to come back but he can’t be a different person. He will always be the person you thought could hurt your daughter.

OP, I think there's a problem with how you are defining "abuse".

Whatever you said to the mental health professional was enough for them to send you to Women's Aid. But because your experience doesn't match the abuse types in the Freedom Program, you decided it wasn't abuse but "heat of the moment".

That's where you went wrong.

It's not ok for people to treat you badly in the heat of the moment. It's not okay for your daughter to be around someone if there's a possibility that she could be hurt.

You thought it was bad enough to report to the police, OP.

Not sure I understand what kind of mental health appointments you are going to and why.

With SS it very often depends what kind of social worker you're dealing with....and their manager. It largely comes down to their personal opinion and also how busy they are/their workload/if they have cases that are more serious than yours

Why did she go back on her report? Might someone have inadvertently given her doubts or manipulated her that it was somehow her fault you split up. He sounds abusive, put her first, believe her and keep him away.

You chose a man over your child.

Often children "backpedal" because they're scared. Even if he hasn't hurt her, he's hurting you, is that really a healthy environment for her to be in?

This relationship soubds very toxic.

It is best for everyone if SS are involved as you obviously need some support.

What do you mean by this:

Just things said in heat of the moment/not thinking.

Are you saying you completely lied and accused him of abuse/violence when there wasn’t any?

Or are you downplaying it because you want to be back in a relationship with him?

Think about what you are teaching your child! That you are putting your husband before her, you are putting her second instead of prioritising her. How do you think this will I impact her growing up?
Please take some time to read up on the effects of DA on children.

https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/support-for-parents-and-carers/child-abuse-and-harm/children-affected-domestic-abuse-violence

She may be telling you what she thinks you want to hear. Yes there is risk her her being taken into care if you allow this man back into your life. You are not protecting her.

If you had left with your child overworked SS would not have made you a priority now lo is back in the abuse they will be questioning your ability to protect her and your too scared to go out won't be helping. Your mental health team recognised abuse from what you told them often victims are in denial. Do the right thing by your child.

Abuse is insidious and always has a pattern of escalation. Just because it's not physical does not been it's not serious!

The next time something comes up - you need to contact the police, or your physical and MH goes down, or your DC's school get involved - this is when the authorities will conclude that you are putting this man above the emotional wellbeing and physical safety of your DC. Your maternal instincts and level of self awareness will be look upon as weak and the risk of harm to your DC too significant to ignore.

OP you’ve done it before, you can leave him again. Do you want to live with a man who will hurt you and your DD in the heat of the moment?

You know that your daughter was telling the truth, and you have put your needs and her abusers needs before hers. She's 3, she didn't make it up. I know that DV is complicated but I will never understand why you have placed her in harms way again. SS will find out that you have gone back to him and hopefully it will be before he hurts your daughter again.

This essentially. You’ve been dealt a bad hand and I understand you wish it wasn’t happening and you feel sorry for yourself. But now you have to put your daughter first. Please protect her and leave.

If it makes you uncomfortable...doubt yourself...sad...anxious...than this is not good for you...living on a constant state of anxiety and treading on egg shells will fxxk ur brain. If your daughter has said something like that...you deep down know the truth.
Pls trust ur gut and look after urself and ur baby xxx

These words are so true xxx