Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

Social services - will my child be removed?

52 replies

TheDeepPeachSloth · 30/08/2024 15:38

Advice needed please,
Been married for 5yrs and have 3 y/o. Things with DH and I have been rough for a while and he’s said some things that haven’t been great but have accumulated over the years. When I’ve gone to mental health appointments they’ve suggested I go see women’s aid which I did and I’ve engaged, done the freedom programme but I’m not convinced it was DV. Just things said in heat of the moment/not thinking. It wasn’t a repeated pattern and it was never physical (I know abuse doesn’t have to be physical).

I left a while ago after 3 y/o said her dad had hurt her but have come back. I did tell DV agency about what she’d told me and they mentioned doing a C1 to social services. I did go to the police but they haven’t done anything yet. However, since then DD has told me several times that her dad didn’t hurt her, has never hurt her and so on.

We have not long gotten back but I’ve not told anyone really that I’m back, I’m scared to go out and be seen because I’m worried that our DD will be taken away.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Summatoruvva · 30/08/2024 15:43

He has to leave. It will show she’s your priority and that is what they’re expecting you to do.

Original poster
TheDeepPeachSloth · 30/08/2024 15:44

They’ve not been in touch to say anything on that really but thank you for your reply.

OP posts:
PeriIsKickingMyButt · 30/08/2024 15:46

Why have you gone back?

Nobody can say what children's services would do if they are informed that you're back together. However with domestic abuse there is always harm to children and always a risk of children's services being informed.

SensibleSigma · 30/08/2024 15:48

Why have you gone back? You clearly aren’t describing a healthy relationship, or SS and women’s aid wouldn’t have been involved.

You shouldn’t be putting responsibility on such a small child for your relationship. It isn’t about what she says, it’s about a safe healthy upbringing for her.

Original poster
TheDeepPeachSloth · 30/08/2024 15:48

Because DD has backpedaled on what they’ve said and DH has agreed to marriage counselling and working on things.

OP posts:
PeriIsKickingMyButt · 30/08/2024 15:49

Marriage counselling isn't safe where there is domestic abuse. It would be much safer if you worked on things living separately and waited to get back together properly until after he's completed some individual work. I think you know you're being hasty don't you?

SauviGone · 30/08/2024 15:50

If only.

I hope SS do find out and at the very least notify her school and as many other parties as possible, so that everyone keeps an extremely close eye on your poor child, seeing as you, her mother, are not prepared to protect her.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/08/2024 15:52

You need to leave. Put your child first.

username44416 · 30/08/2024 15:52

Abuse isn't necessarily about what he's said OP, abuse is a pattern of behaviour in order to maintain power and control.

Can you describe your relationship and the behaviour that you described to women's aid?

Kitkat1523 · 30/08/2024 15:53

You know the answer OP

fortheveryfirsttime · 30/08/2024 15:53

TheDeepPeachSloth · 30/08/2024 15:44

They’ve not been in touch to say anything on that really but thank you for your reply.

But it's not about what social services do or say. Regardless of what they advise, you need to end the relationship because he's abusive to you and possibly to your daughter.

Social services will expect you to safeguard your child. You can access support with this and probably need to. If DA workers think you're being abused and you don't agree then do you possibly need more work around understanding what abuse is?

I also agree with the PP who advises that relationship counselling is not recommended where DA is present.

HerewegoagainSS · 30/08/2024 15:54

Hopefully yes, until you choose her over a bloke.

You can’t have both if he is abusive. That little girl needs to be safe and if you won’t ensure that, the state can and will.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 30/08/2024 15:54

Your daughter has likely ‘back-pedalled’ because even at 3 she probably feels to blame for the family splitting up. And perhaps because he has told her to. If Social Services feel she is at risk, they will intervene. They won’t want to remove her from you, they will want him out the picture.

UnbelievableLie · 30/08/2024 15:55

For God's sake, there are plenty of other men out there - no need to ruin your child's life over this shitty one

thursdaymurderclub · 30/08/2024 15:56

put your child first.. if DD said it happened, then believe her! she may have 'backpeddled' on what she said because thats what she thinks you want to hear?

poor girl..

Terrribletwos · 30/08/2024 15:56

Perhaps your child has "back pedalled" because she feels scared/harassed?

SophiaJ8 · 30/08/2024 15:57

I sincerely hope they do get involved.

Put your child first.

3teens2cats · 30/08/2024 15:58

3 year olds generally are not cognitively able to properly tell the difference between truths and lies. By this I mean they can get mixed up between reality and imagination/stories. Therefore no-one would ever base decisions purely on what 3 yr old says. Parents and social workers will look at the bigger picture. The bigger picture is a history of domestic abuse. You need to protect her from this regardless of what she says happened or didn't happen.

FatmanandKnobbin · 30/08/2024 16:00

Marriage counselling won't happen if there has been DA/DV.

There's going to be a clear choice here, your husband or your child.

If you choose your husband then they may well remove your child.

gamerchick · 30/08/2024 16:01

Someone needs to put your bairn first OP.

KerryBlues · 30/08/2024 16:02

Come on, op.
Normal, healthy relationships don’t have women’s aid, social services and police involvement.
Put your child first.
If you don’t, any further involvement is entirely your own fault.

Ponderingwindow · 30/08/2024 16:05

She is 3. You are choosing to put her in this environment. You are choosing to let her grow up thinking this is the model for an adult relationship.

social services might show up, but sadly they are unlikely to intervene in an effective way without physical evidence. The only person with any real power to protect your daughter is you.

life isn’t fair to adult victims of domestic violence. The weight of the world shouldn’t be put on your shoulders. That is just how it works though. There is no one coming to save you or your child but yourself.

they always apologize and promise to do better. It’s chapter 3 of the abuser handbook.

BeachRide · 30/08/2024 16:07

Forget that she later retracted it, why do you think she said it in the first place. I hope you get the support both you and she need, OP.

WallaceinAnderland · 30/08/2024 16:08

To answer your question, yes you are risking your child being removed. Why choose him over her?

way2serious · 30/08/2024 16:17

If you want to keep your child you need to show SS that you are safeguarding your child. You need to prioritise them not your relationship. You need to move out. You need to ensure contact is supervised either by your self or a family member.
3 year olds do not make these things up. Have you pieced together the context of when he hurt her?