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Original poster

Friend Dilemma

51 replies

tinnedpinapple · 18/04/2024 09:58

So best friend of ten plus years, getting married this year. Ive organised her hen down to a fine toothcomb (flights, hotel, entertainment, decorations), paid for her flight. Sadly my due date on my first pregnancy falls very shortly after her wedding and as her MOH ive said its probably best I step back.
She said she cant support my pregnancy & I cant talk about it infront of her partner as her partner has children with an ex and its too much for her to handle.
Her other friends have kids and they weren't told they were put on a child talk ban.
She said im not understanding her point of view and im self centered.
We met up to clear the air, said how it wasnt fair for her to blank my pregnancy wishes and unborn there was a loose apology and she said she could support me and was upset I didnt think she could???
She didnt ask for 4 months how me and the baby were and then by the time she did, I didnt want to answer.
Ive activly asked how the planning is going, bands, djs, dresses, flowers, bridal party etc etc.
After me organising this hen for her I had an assumption that she would ask if I wanted a baby shower and ive had nothing......

Am I being self centered for feeling hurt or is it just fair that I let this friendship go.

OP posts:
sassyclassyandsmartassy · 21/04/2024 13:34

True friends celebrate your wins with you no matter where they are in life because they are mature enough to understand that the whole bloody world doesn’t revolve around them!

Tome to rethink this friendship!

Bluebellsparklypant · 21/04/2024 13:43

You’re both going through a life change, these are both important life events for both of you. Maybe she feels alittle up staged about you having a baby & just wanted the glory and excitement focused on her for her wedding? If she hasn’t got children it can be a hard adjustment when your friends get pregnant. Your both on a level ground then one moves on in a different direction with life it can take a while to settle in to the new dynamics of friendship. For you OP I can totally understand you wanting your friends support . I think just understanding of both situations will go a long way

Noodles1234 · 21/04/2024 13:56

Sounds like you both have a lot on at the moment. You’ve clearly done a lot for her which is great and I hope she remembers. I would also ask to step back if due around this time, your health is way more important. I wonder at her sensitivity does she maybe have any fertility issues? Any assumption to do your baby shower in return may trigger something with her, or maybe it is sensitive for other reasons. It would be great (and frankly most times expected), for good friends to do things like this for each other, but it sometimes doesn’t happen. Maybe give each other some breathing room and let her have her day and you yours. Good luck.

SezFrankly · 21/04/2024 15:03

Mindymomo · 18/04/2024 10:03

It’s clearly not working at the moment, which is a shame as she cannot avoid every person in her life that has children. Concentrate on your own well being and that of your baby.

This.

A baby is a joy, and you’ve become a Mum. Baby and you come first from now on. Every. Single. Time.

BreatheAndFocus · 21/04/2024 15:47

She sounds batshit! You don’t get to manipulate the whole world just because you’re getting married! Her response to you was nasty, spiteful and selfish. I’d be glad to be rid of her frankly and I’d be telling her why.

diddl · 21/04/2024 15:50

After me organising this hen for her I had an assumption that she would ask if I wanted a baby shower and ive had nothing.....

Well I think that that's very odd of you assume!

I think you are both for different reasons focussed on yourselves.

She didn't ask about your pregnancy as often as you thought she should & then when she did you didn't want to answer?

Fuck me!

Asleepintexas · 21/04/2024 16:34

Let her go and I would take my money back. She does not deserve such kindness. It's almost as if she is using you to pay for her expenses. She is not your friend.

MountCaramel · 21/04/2024 16:34

Dump her, she is no friend of yours. Concentrate on your beautiful baby and your new role as a mum. Congratulations OP, don't give the selfish cow a second thought.

EggChair · 21/04/2024 16:37

You both sound self-centred. Her more than you, obviously, but your weird assumption that because you’d organised her hen weekend, she would automatically organise you baby shower makes you sound like two of a kind. You sound as if you can’t, either of you, think beyond your wedding/pregnancy.

Grumpyworriedmum · 21/04/2024 17:18

When I was pregnant with my first, my SiL (who I’d been friends with for over 12 years) left my husbands brother. I went to see her in her new house and as we were chatting, she made a comment that she saw me as his family and not her friend. I was gutted. She’d been at my house every Monday and a Thursday evening for the past decade and she saw me as his family. I think I said “I can see you’re busy, I’ll leave and let you get on” and left. Had a bloody good cry in the car.

When our MiL died 8 years later, at the funeral, I introduced my daughters to her and their cousins as “this is your uncles estranged wife and your cousins X & Y”.

Petty? Yes I’ll be honest, but it felt really good.

KomodoOhno · 21/04/2024 17:41

Definitely step back. To me it sounds like she's worried your pregnancy trumps her wedding which is nuts. Enjoy your pregnancy with your real friends and let this one go.

Piwi1625 · 21/04/2024 17:49

tinnedpinapple · 18/04/2024 09:58

So best friend of ten plus years, getting married this year. Ive organised her hen down to a fine toothcomb (flights, hotel, entertainment, decorations), paid for her flight. Sadly my due date on my first pregnancy falls very shortly after her wedding and as her MOH ive said its probably best I step back.
She said she cant support my pregnancy & I cant talk about it infront of her partner as her partner has children with an ex and its too much for her to handle.
Her other friends have kids and they weren't told they were put on a child talk ban.
She said im not understanding her point of view and im self centered.
We met up to clear the air, said how it wasnt fair for her to blank my pregnancy wishes and unborn there was a loose apology and she said she could support me and was upset I didnt think she could???
She didnt ask for 4 months how me and the baby were and then by the time she did, I didnt want to answer.
Ive activly asked how the planning is going, bands, djs, dresses, flowers, bridal party etc etc.
After me organising this hen for her I had an assumption that she would ask if I wanted a baby shower and ive had nothing......

Am I being self centered for feeling hurt or is it just fair that I let this friendship go.

She's taking advantage of your friendship! It's like she envies you because of your pregnancy and is taking it out on you. It was OK for you to be running around organising for her wedding, she didn't think about if it would be stressful for you. She's no friend!

VelvetDragonfly · 21/04/2024 17:57

Cancel anything you've paid for or will have to pay for and get yourself a refund. Then block her. She's not your friend and you'll never hear from her again after the wedding, no matter how much you tie yourself in knots to appease her.

Soonenough · 21/04/2024 18:05

What an entitled spoilt bitch she sounds. So does she impose these rules around work colleagues, her family? A resounding Fuck Off to her. Find better friends

Brats4kid · 21/04/2024 19:01

It sounds as if you having a baby would overshadow her wedding and wedding plans!

My ex-best friend of 12 years supported my pregnancy, threw me a baby shower and bought the baby loads of things. When my baby was born, she completely ignored her. They friendship ended after that!

Nutmeg1204 · 22/04/2024 07:20

Omg run away from this friendship

She sounds ridiculous

Original poster
tinnedpinapple · 22/04/2024 10:41

@MalibuBarbieDreamHouse
100% No fertility issues and he does not see his kids, no.

OP posts:
Original poster
tinnedpinapple · 22/04/2024 10:46

@SallyWD
its not so much that im bothered about having a baby shower - its certainly not the be all and end all but its the feeling that shes expected me to organise everything for her, including contributing paying for alot of things and im constantly asking questions paying interest about how planning is going, what band did she pick, what shoes has she bought etc etc.
Yet ive only had a handful of times - 'hows you'
Im feeling just unappreciated I guess and expected some interest.

OP posts:
Pinapplesauce · 22/04/2024 10:50

@determinedtomakethiswork I have never heard of the sunk cost until now - absolute eye opener. TY

SmudgeButt · 22/04/2024 11:01

Any chance she had a pregnancy crisis and it's too painful for her to discuss?

AllyArty · 22/04/2024 18:44

Do u know what her problem is? I’m thinking jealousy/her other half is refusing to have more children/she can’t have children?
whatever her problem is she is being selfish . Fast forward to when you have your baby, what’s going to happen then? Do you meet and not mention your baby? Do you visit her without your baby? Where is the friendship in that. Not what I’d call a friendship. Think u deserve better. 🙂

PressedPetal · 22/04/2024 20:35

Not the same scenario but I wanted to add my view..

I had a friend of 10+ years who as soon as I said I was pregnant was suddenly ‘busy’ all the time. It broke my heart. She didn’t ever ask how I was, daughter is nearly 2 now and she’s never met her. Didn’t ask how I was postpartum, I asked repeatedly to meet and it was always ‘im on holiday’ or ‘I have plans’ etc etc.

We had fertility problems which she knew about. I had 3 miscarriages and was a mess. She supported me with that. Yet when it happened, didn’t want anything to do with me or my child.

its heartbreaking when a good friend just disappears like that. A friend you thought would be there no matter what. It sounds like your friend could act like mine once the baby arrives, just isn’t interested and full of excuses. If she is having her own issues like others have asked - fertility wise - if she was a good friend she’d say why she needs some space for a bit even though she was incredibly happy for you and couldn’t wait to meet the baby.

I wish you all the best with the rest of your pregnancy and delivery ❤️ as others have said, you make mum friends for life! ❤️

ellyeth · 22/04/2024 21:35

I think she has behaved badly. It's not your fault if her husband-to-be doesn't want any more children. If it's that big an issue for her then perhaps she should not marry him. I think your feeling that she should organise a baby shower is a step too far but forbidding you from talking about your pregnancy is immature and selfish. Maybe you should distance yourself from her.

DisabledDemon · 22/04/2024 23:21

Well, she sounds rather odd, very self-centred and more trouble than she's worth. Can't 'support' your pregnancy? What sort of crack-brained statement is that? You are very much better off keeping away from her.

Goodtogossip · 24/04/2024 13:06

Go to the hen do & chat with her/your other friends who have kids & if she pipes up reminding you of the child talk ban, say she can chose not to be involved in the conversation & she can walk away, but you won't not talk about such an exciting time in your life or the children of the others.
I'd also be reviewing the friendship as it's very selfish of her not to be excited for you for your first pregnancy/child.
Why does her partner having children mean she doesn't want any child talk? That's very weird. Has he been told he can't talk about his kids in front of her too?