Friend shows up after 9 years

[Antares444]

Not sure if this is the right place for this topic… I was friends with a lady for many years. We traveled together, spoke on the phone all the time, met frequently… we were best friends. 9 years ago she got pregnant. I have a son so I thought it would make us even closer, being both of us mons. But all of a sudden she stopped calling. I gave her some space a few days and then asked her if she was OK. She replied that she was too busy to see me and she was bonding with a group of local women that were also pregnant because the kids will go to the same school and she wanted to be friends with different people now. It was a blow for me after so many years of good friendship so I always suspected there must be something else. I kept on sending messages to her on her birthday and Christmas and she always sent a dismissive answer so I stopped, got over it, accepted the fact that maybe she never liked me that much.
I was at work today and during a meeting my phone rang. It was her. I had to ignore the call so she sent me a message. She said “I know we lost contact but I would love to be your friend again”. Just like this. No explanations after 9 years. She asked me if she can write me an email to tell me about the past 9 years. I want to be fair, maybe something bad happened to her and she wanted a radical change, new people… on the other hand, I feel upset because she didn’t care at all about me for so so long. I wanted to write back and ask her to tell me why she stopped talking to me but a part of me would like to just ignore her like she did to me.
What would you do?

I agree it's worthwhile hearing what she has to say. Even just for your own closure of why she cut you out like that.

Listening is not an obligation to return to the close friends you once were or even reconnect at all.

Good message@Antares444
See what the email says, maybe there'll be an apology.

Can't wait to hear about her email!

Was she always so blunt when you were friends?

There's no way whatsoever I wld resume a friendship with someone who treated me like that.

I'd let her tell you what she's been up to but I would be cautious. It may be that something has changed in her life (marriage ending, wants to return to work, has returned to work and grown apart from her mum friends) and she sees value in your friendship again. But you know she would drop you again if it suited her so I would not be welcoming her into my life or social groups. At all.

I wouldn't give her the time of day. She's more than likely fallen out with all her other friends due to narc behaviour and want to crawl back to your good books. Block.

I had a similar friend.. I got fed up doing the chasing / making plans to met only for her to cancel last minute & then I gave up. Didn't hear from her for years & out of the blue she got back in touch. I was hesitant to meet her, but I did. She was very apologetic, she missed our friendship but her reason was that her marriage was in crisis & her husband having an affair so she was 'ashamed & embarrassed' & didn't want to burden her friends.
Sadly her marriage is over but now she has rebuilt her life & her self confidence she has reached back out to rebuild her friendships.
I'm sad I couldn't have been there to support her, but it's been so nice to see her again.
My advice would be to meet her again, hear her out & take it from there.

I’d actually be really offended and I’m surprised you’re letting her back into your life. You do know you can be friends with more than one set of people? I’ve got school friends, neighbour friends, old and new work friends, mum friends from different schools and different sets of playgroups. The person who I’d consider my best friend is someone I came across on fb. We’ve talked online every day for almost 13 years, but we’re unlikely to ever meet as he’s in America. I think your friend doesn’t really give a shit about you if she could drop you that quickly. She must have found her life boring all of a sudden to contact you again after almost a decade.

I’d let her send the email. Mostly because abuse in relationships often starts, or massively ramps up, during pregnancy so if she explained that was why I’d give her another chance.

if it’s not because of something like that I’d tell her I wished her well, but I wasn’t prepared to be friends with someone who just cut me off for no reason.

Maybe be careful. She may need your emotional support for the short term, suck you dry and then bolt again
Youve got on fine without her

I'd let her send the email because I'm a nosey sod but I wouldn't start up a friendship again. Once bitten , twice shy and all that.

I'd want to hear what she has to say and possibly then meet up ... I am over 60 and over the years have lost touch with friends but enjoyed their company when we met up ... never had any serious fallings out or gaslightings and I am just as guilty at not keeping in touch with people. I met up with an old friend recently, we had been good friends at school (50 years ago!) but we had both moved to different geographical locations and our lives took different paths but it was lovely to meet up - as if all the intervening years hadn't happened and we got on well.
I tend not to over think friendships .. enjoy them for what they are (FWIW I don't often meet up with my 'oldest' friends but we do meet when we lose a parent ... sadly too frequent now - something about the familiarity of old friends and shared memories)

I’d be too curious to ignore, but would expect a proper explanation and an apology. Without those I’d not be interested

Ladies, thank you all. It’s over and forever. She wrote four lines to tell me she thought about me all this time but always forgot to send a message. Done. Now I’m sorry I even replied to her first message. Arrivederci. Auf Wiedersen. Blocked forever.

She was the nicest person, really kind. Then she met a military guy who was hyper jealous and controlled her so much, so I always suspected he chose her friendships but well, I was wrong. She’s actually a bad person.

I know, I have a big bunch of amazing friends from college (I’m 42 now) and I consider myself very lucky. Don’t really need her.

Thanks for the email, nine years is a long time and I've forgotten why you so rudely and abruptly dropped me but during that time I have been fortunate to make friendships that are more enduring.

Best wishes, X

Ooh, well she's no loss OP. And I think you did the right thing not to reply further or express anything other than "blocked". Onwards and upwards.

Disappointing- was hoping for jail or witness protection.

I would have accepted "I was in a cult".

Well that’s that then. She forgot to send a message for 9 years?!!!

Narc, narcissist, narcissistic, narc, narc, narc.

It’s all the rage now, OP!

Forgot? Every day for nine years?

I'd maybe have suggested she see a doctor for that, but your blocking her works just as well.

Yes. Every day for 3,285 days!
what a champ!

I'll still bet on the military guy, maybe she has too much pride to let in on in the first mail. Your choice anyway OP.