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Original poster

Mil has told dp to pack his stuff and leave.

138 replies

ShakeysGirl · 03/01/2008 18:10

She is the most frustrating, spiteful person i have ever had the misfortune of knowing. Dp stays at mine 5 nights a week but he has his dinner with her and his dad every night. This morning we decided it would be nice to have our dinner together, so he calls his dad and explains he wouldn't be there this evening. She has just text him saying if you can't be home for dinner then pack your stuff and leave! Wtf? Hes gutted. I've been sympathetic but have refrained from giving my opinion on her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShakeysGirl · 03/01/2008 21:54

And now because shes said sorry he thinks he must have been in the wrong. Its bullying at the end of the day. With regard to the internet thing, he asked a girl if he was single would she. There was no sex talk, photos or conversation after that message although that maybe because she told him to do one! I'm not making excuses for him but i do believe things like this are connected to his self esteem.

OP posts:
ninedragons · 04/01/2008 04:05

Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear but he sounds like one to run far and fast from.

The MIL/DP dynamic is not a problem that can be resolved. Don't waste your time trying.

hazygirl · 04/01/2008 07:43

i have a bil at 54 living with my inlaws never married or had a partner,its weird i say to dp but he says his brother is shy,beat that ,my mil hates me for trapping her son ,said we wouldnt last for long now 25 wedding annniversary in dec i know it pisses her off ,weve even got grandkids together and believe weve had bad times together ,i hope you can work out whats best.

tribpot · 04/01/2008 07:48

Run for the hills. She "can't bear to see him lowering himself" - by being with you? He can continue to live in her house provided he spends "quality time with her" - presumably more time away from you. She "doesn't think he's ready to have a relationship" - he's twenty bleedin' seven!

Why can't he move out and live on his own? Oh yes, because he spends money like he was 17. He needs to grow up or accept that by living off his mother she will try and control him forever.

lulumama · 04/01/2008 09:16

what an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship... she is controlling him, and he is letting her... to say he is lowering himself, abandoning her, not ready for a relationship.. she wants to keep him all for herself, maybe because her marriage is not good... very, very unhealthy. will end in tears

StarlightMcKenzie · 04/01/2008 13:01

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StarlightMcKenzie · 04/01/2008 13:10

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Saturn74 · 04/01/2008 13:15

Is this the man you posted about before Christmas, and everyone advised you to get rid?

He sounds like a waste of space, and so do his mother.

Saturn74 · 04/01/2008 13:16

does

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 04/01/2008 13:19

is he overweight then and does he have issues about selof esteem thats why he wants conctant reassurance about himself from eg that girl he messaged and his mum and you

and do you fel that if it wasnt him you wouldnt find anyone else?

Iklboo · 04/01/2008 13:25

To quote Gordon Ramsay - he needs to grow some balls. I'm lucky that I get on with MIL but DH has stuck up for me over his mum a couple of times

Your fella is having his cake and eating it. You deserve better than some internet-flirting mummy's boy with esteem issues or you're going to get dragged down too

janestillhere · 04/01/2008 13:27

I once went out with a trainee teacher who was rather gutted when he acquired a new gf (me!)
The plans for a teaching placement in Africa went into overdrive in a desperate attempt to get him as far away from me as possible. I found it all bemusing and very strange controlling behaviour.
In the end I ran for the hills when he informed me his mum would not be happy if I ordered wine with a family dinner at a hotel restaurant. I was 29 and he could not see how weird her demands were. He was v. annoyed when I protested. I didn't go to the meal because I would not be dictated to - he rang me between courses, pissed as a fart as his aunt had ordered wine at the meal and they were all having a fab time! Good riddance!
Get out of there! It's too stressful. x

janestillhere · 04/01/2008 13:28

sorry meant to say his MOTHER was rather gutted

bookwormmum · 04/01/2008 13:31

SG let your dp sort himself out. You have somewhere to live - now let him sort his place out. If he wants to live at home with his parents then let him but don't have h8im live at yours part-time (where does he sleep the other two nights?). He's got his cake and is eating it with both you and his Mum fussing over him, one providing bed and the other board.

Interfering MILs don't go away, they get more possessive. If you think it's bad now, wait til you have kids with this guy. She'd never be off your case then!

Original poster
ShakeysGirl · 04/01/2008 13:32

He isn't huge, but isn't within the normal weight range for his height either but its all solid - he doesn't wobble iyswim. Its not me in particular that she has a problem with shes hated anyone that hes ever bought home. He is slowly getting better at handling her and telling her no but she just reacts to this by getting worse. I guess im hoping that she eventually realises its pointless. He keeps saying hes starting to hate her and is under so much pressure which is why im not making it an issue with him

OP posts:
bookwormmum · 04/01/2008 13:33

But it's not fair on you to have to tolerate her random behaviour.

Would you want your dcs being treated like this in relationships?

Original poster
ShakeysGirl · 04/01/2008 13:36

He stays with his mum the other 2 nights.

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lulumama · 04/01/2008 13:36

what pressure is he under? he lives at home, spends what he earns and has no repsonsibilities!

MIL will not change, why should she? her behaviour has got her everything she wants.. her DS running round after her like a wounded puppy....

buying her a new xmas present because the one he got was not good enough

being belittled and running back for more

giving ridiculous ultimatums

how can these be good people for you and oyur DCs to be around?

Tortington · 04/01/2008 13:39

if he loves you is he willing to commit to you or not

do not have him by default

you know what? you are doing your children the bigest disservice by allowing this limp dick of a man in your house

he is 27 and runs to mummy becuase she demands he eat at the family table where the sister doesnt live and the husband is estranged within the same house?

your limpdick bf neds to sit her the fuck down and say " look mum i love you but dont push me or you willend up with no one"

my advice is that he talks with her
that you get a backbone and stop being so fucking nice about it and tell him to fuck the fuck off then if he cant be fucked committing to you and your children becuase you cant kep dicking them about becuase you want to feel loved

i think you have one of those men that shrugs their shoulders and say " but its not my fault" pathetically - when it is exactly their inaction that allows this sort of controlling beaviour

Wisteria · 04/01/2008 13:41

Sg I remember you from your previous thread and if she is like this now, can you imagine what life would be like if he did move in with you?

It seems to me that there are too many 'ifs' and 'buts' for this relationship to ever really get off the ground - find someone who at least ticks all the boxes at the beginning!

Piggy · 04/01/2008 13:42

Run. Run for the hills.

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 04/01/2008 13:44

i think that really u are both as bad as each other u want him staying at yiours five nights a week because u do

but u dont want him totally there

so it seems frankly silly for him to rent a flat now that he wont stay in

cos u want him to stay and sleepwith u five nights

so u bothe find the stay with mum thing handing cos no messing he has more disposable income that way and u can tell him to sling his hook when you have a tiff

so u r both having your cake and eating it

but his mum doesnt want to play ball any more

understnadbly she thinks he should make his mind up...and u

why should she be the one to pick up the pieces all the time as you two faff around endlessly

Original poster
ShakeysGirl · 04/01/2008 13:56

Maybe you're right, i want an adult relationship, he wants a easy life where he comes and goes as he pleases from both houses being fed and looked after, she wants her boy there full time so she can spoil him and fuss over him. He blames her for wrapping him in cotton wool. I've told him that hes an adult and that his excuse is rubbish. I think i'm scared that if i force him to make a decision i will lose or worse he will do something stupid like last time we were apart he tried to. That terrifies me.

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lulumama · 04/01/2008 14:00

he has got you in the grip of emotional blackmail

same as his mum does to him

you cannot stay with someone because you are afraid of what they will do otherwise

you have already lost, because he is at her beck and call before he gives you a second thought.

you can make the decision, you can take the power back

you are worth more than this

do you have daughters? is this what you would want for them

in all fairness, the general consensus is ruuuuuuunnnn!! all these mumsnetters can;t be wrong

i think you deserve better and you can find someone more on an equal footing with you, you are obviously kind, caring and sensitive, but your needs and your happiness are important too

Beetrootoyourself · 04/01/2008 14:07

DON'T LET HIM LIVE WITH YOU

whatever happens DONT LET HIM LIVE WITH YOU

He sounds a bit of a weed tbh - and she sounds totally nutty