Bridesmaid awkwardness

LJDJGJFJ · 2022-02-20T16:20:00+00:00

My chief bridesmaid (best friend) has planned (from what I’ve heard) an amazing over night hen party which will cost £250 each all inclusive. We have 13 people including me who have agreed to go and everyone is saying how much of an amazing thoughtful idea it is (I don’t know anymore). My cousin is also a bridesmaid but has been really rude in the group chat to my chief bridesmaid about it, saying the cost is unjustifiable and that she has enough to pay for for herself so to count her out. I have had a number of people from the group( who don’t know each other) come to me to tell me how rude her comments have been. She has really upset my chief bridesmaid, who has been really polite in the situation and now my chief bridesmaid is really nervous to meet my cousin, baring in mind she is also a bridesmaid. My fiance has had fallings out with my cousin in the past over the years which have been resolved, but now, after this situation along with her sending his mum (my mother in law) a private message having a go at her for backing my chief bridesmaid maid up in the group chat. Everyone has said my cousin has been very selfish and only thought about herself in all that she has said. Since asking her to be bridesmaid I have also felt a distance from her and am often ignored when sending her messages. My fiancé doesn’t want her to be a bridesmaid anymore, however I find this awkward since her sister (my other cousin) is a bridesmaid too and I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the family. I also don’t want my best friend and chief bridesmaid to feel awkward through being a bridesmaid with her. What would you do?

AmandaHoldensLips · 20/02/2022 16:31

Some people are arseholes. I'd sack her off if I were you. So what if she's related to you? She's clearly got a people-problem and will be bringing her shitty behaviour to your wedding day.

Tell her that it's best if she steps down as bridesmaid as she clearly doesn't get on with the rest of the wedding party.

Isntisironic1 · 20/02/2022 16:35

Every living thing starts as an arsehole, unfortunately some people don’t evolve. I think it’s important you speak to your cousin and let her know that her behaviour is not acceptable

TronDeReplay · 20/02/2022 16:49

I think that as she's not coming to the hen and unlikely to mix with the other bridal party until the day, surely everyone can just be as civil as you would with a stranger on the actual day and maybe get the sister to keep an eye out for lairy behaviour?

I think on the basis of rude comments, sacking as a BM would just up the ante and lead to dramatics. "Yes dear" works with small children and opinionated relatives...(sometimes!)

NinjaQueen · 20/02/2022 16:54

That is a very expensive hen do, wash she feeling pressured into something she can't afford? Obviously there is never an excuse for being rude but you would know if this is out of character for her?

I would have a word about her being rude and just ignore her as much as possible but not sack her.

Original poster

LJDJGJFJ · 20/02/2022 17:03

As for the cost of the hen do, it’s a very average cost for an over night one and as it’s a once in a life time thing, I do want it to be one to remembered, rather than a general night out. It’s is in 15 months time so doesn’t all have to be paid in one go.

I have been on a few over night hen dos and they’ve all been a similar cost, only different here is it is all inclusive and includes a variety of activities as far as I’m aware. Since everyone else is happy to come along, we won’t be changing the idea.

She didn’t even ask about help to pay, which was available through a number of people, it was just rudeness and a blank no from the get go.

OP posts:

TronDeReplay · 20/02/2022 17:08

She didn’t even ask about help to pay, which was available through a number of people, it was just rudeness and a blank no from the get go.

I wouldn't be rude about it but if I, like many people, didn't have a spare £250 to go to a hen do, then I wouldn't "ask for help" paying. It's far more honest to be upfront about it if you don't want to prioritise going - rather than agree then whine about it or try and change to cheaper plans last minute
Far better to leave everyone else to it! (But be pleasant about it)

Original poster

LJDJGJFJ · 20/02/2022 17:08

One thing to add as well, she was supposed to be a hen do 5 years ago which didn’t happen due to a break up and we were asked to pay £170 each, without travel and not all inclusive so I think she’s forgetting that here would’ve been a similar cost over all.

Regardless of that, if she doesn’t come, she doesn’t come, I’m just not happy about the negative vibe she has put out there between the whole of the wedding party, I now have a lot of people saying how they dont like her and some people worried about meeting her

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 20/02/2022 17:14

You sound quite selfish £250 is loads for one night on a hen do you come across like a bridezilla cost of living is going up food, fuel, a good bride would keep costs down. Costed my hens 45 for two singles and 35 for the mini bus to Edinburgh they organised a strip club activity which was optional at 25 pounds.

saturdayhelicopter · 20/02/2022 17:14

@LJDJGJFJ

As for the cost of the hen do, it’s a very average cost for an over night one and as it’s a once in a life time thing, I do want it to be one to remembered, rather than a general night out. It’s is in 15 months time so doesn’t all have to be paid in one go.

I have been on a few over night hen dos and they’ve all been a similar cost, only different here is it is all inclusive and includes a variety of activities as far as I’m aware. Since everyone else is happy to come along, we won’t be changing the idea.

She didn’t even ask about help to pay, which was available through a number of people, it was just rudeness and a blank no from the get go.

It's once in a lifetime for you and something you want to remember, forever, but not everybody will be putting your hen on such a pedestal..... for them it'll be a nice night away.

£250 is probably reasonable all-in for whatever's planned, however regardless of how many fun / lovely / unique activities are thrown in, it's still a lot for some people.

You can ask that people pay to celebrate your upcoming wedding with you but I'm not sure you can expect them to.

The rudeness is of course another matter 🤷🏼‍♀️

Bananarama21 · 20/02/2022 17:15

Are they paying for the cost of the dresses and hair by any chance?

MrTumblesEyebrows · 20/02/2022 17:24

£250 is an obnoxious amount of money to spend on a hen do. Is that for one night? It's important to you but it's not important to anyone else. That's absolutely obscene.

That said, your cousin obviously doesn't care about upsetting family so if you don't want here at the wedding, don't have her there.

Bobbybobbins · 20/02/2022 17:24

YANBU to hope/expect your cousin to be polite and she was rude to message your MIL. I wouldn't 'sack' her as BM though as this will create more drama - I'm sure everyone can manage to get on for a few hours?

YABU to expect everyone to be able to afford/want to spend that much on your hen do. The cost of living is going up rapidly. At least she has dropped out now.

TheHoptimist · 20/02/2022 17:29

Once in a lifetime for you
One of maybe dozens for them

Sounds a bit bridezilla

MayMorris · 20/02/2022 17:29

@LJDJGJFJ

As for the cost of the hen do, it’s a very average cost for an over night one and as it’s a once in a life time thing, I do want it to be one to remembered, rather than a general night out. It’s is in 15 months time so doesn’t all have to be paid in one go.

I have been on a few over night hen dos and they’ve all been a similar cost, only different here is it is all inclusive and includes a variety of activities as far as I’m aware. Since everyone else is happy to come along, we won’t be changing the idea.

She didn’t even ask about help to pay, which was available through a number of people, it was just rudeness and a blank no from the get go.

🤣🤣🤣 It’s once in a lifetime for YOU. for her it’s 1 single night away with a bunch of folks she doesn’t know for which she has to cough up £250. That’s a hell of a lot of money for 1 single night. I think you’re all behaving rather idiotically. You want an expensive hen night. You pay for it. If you won’t don’t expect everyone to be delighted to stump up I imagine she’s pissed off with the attitude that becuase she can’t pay that you’re all having a hissy fit.

Pixilicious · 20/02/2022 17:33

Is be interested to hear the bridesmaid’s version. £250 is a lot of money and while it may be once in a lifetime for you it’s not for her is it? Maybe she can’t afford it and maybe she doesn’t want to spend that amount on one night out and has felt pressured by the group?
Having said that, no need to be rude. But also you sound quite self absorbed and entitled.

MajorCarolDanvers · 20/02/2022 17:33

Not everyone has or wants to spend £250 on a hen night.

Maybe she feels pressured and that's what is causing the rudeness.

There really should be no obligation or guilt about not wanting to or being unable to do this.

Expectations on guests for weddings are rather extreme these days.

I don't think she is the selfish one here.

MajorCarolDanvers · 20/02/2022 17:36

@LJDJGJFJ

As for the cost of the hen do, it’s a very average cost for an over night one and as it’s a once in a life time thing, I do want it to be one to remembered, rather than a general night out. It’s is in 15 months time so doesn’t all have to be paid in one go.

I have been on a few over night hen dos and they’ve all been a similar cost, only different here is it is all inclusive and includes a variety of activities as far as I’m aware. Since everyone else is happy to come along, we won’t be changing the idea.

She didn’t even ask about help to pay, which was available through a number of people, it was just rudeness and a blank no from the get go.

Once in a lifetime for you maybe.

It's still a ridiculous expectation on your guests.

They will still have to fork out to attend your wedding and buy you a gift.

SpidersAreShitheads · 20/02/2022 17:45

@LJDJGJFJ

As for the cost of the hen do, it’s a very average cost for an over night one and as it’s a once in a life time thing, I do want it to be one to remembered, rather than a general night out. It’s is in 15 months time so doesn’t all have to be paid in one go.

I have been on a few over night hen dos and they’ve all been a similar cost, only different here is it is all inclusive and includes a variety of activities as far as I’m aware. Since everyone else is happy to come along, we won’t be changing the idea.

She didn’t even ask about help to pay, which was available through a number of people, it was just rudeness and a blank no from the get go.

Ah OP, I was on your side until this comment.

As PP have said, £250 for one night is a lot of money and not everyone can afford it. Just because there have been other hen dos which were also expensive doesn't make it more affordable. It also doesn't mean that it's not possible to have an amazing hen do for a fraction of that cost.

It's once in a lifetime for you - for everyone else it's just another hen do to fork out for.

I'm sure £250 is very reasonable for an overnighter filled with fab activities. But if money is tight, then £250 is still a hell of a lot of money to find - especially if there are other expenses too (travel, accommodation, wedding gift, dress, hair, nails, shoes etc?)

You've sort of insinuated that money might be the issue but asking for "help to pay" isn't the answer. Someone shouldn't go into debt just to attend a glorified piss-up.

You "want it to be one to be remembered" and not just a good night out. I'm afraid you sound like a Bridezilla.

I'm sorry she's been rude but perhaps she's embarrassed. She could have handled it better but judging by your comments on this thread YABVVU. She might feel relieved to not have to be involved.

MaChienEstUnDick · 20/02/2022 17:45

Two things can be true at once.

Your cousin may well have been unforgivably rude to your chief bridesmaid.

£250 is a ridiculous amount for a hen do and is by definition a huge amount of financial pressure to put on someone.

Original poster

LJDJGJFJ · 20/02/2022 19:01

Just to confirm, I and nobody is forcing anybody to do this hen do.

This is for anybody who would like to join.

I will also be having one that is held in my house for people who either can't afford that or do not feel that the types of activities are for them... nobody is forcing anybody

We have 13 people already agreed to doing this one so let's call it an optional girls break away.

I would have preferred my cousin to say "sorry, I won't be able to make this one but will definitely join for the house one", rather than having a go at many of the other bridal party members including my best friend and mother in law.

Now I have a huge awkwardness bang in the middle of it all. This is my problem, not that she couldn't justify the amount of the hen do, it's how she has made people feel and now I have a fiancé who doesn't even want her at the wedding, never mind being a bridesmaid, after how many people she has upset.

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 20/02/2022 19:04

Any reasonable bridesmaids would make it affordable and check with the rest of the group

Original poster

LJDJGJFJ · 20/02/2022 19:10

Reading ore and more comments of people thinking I'm expecting this amount to be okay for every one - I AM NOT!

Like I said 13 people have already said they are going and I have a list of people also only going to the smaller one.

Nobody but her has been really horrible to so many people.

I have only found out about all of this afterwards and have actually not had anything to do with being within this group at all, also nothing to do with planning my hen do, just been pulled in by a. Umber of people complaining about how rude she has been both through their chat and private messages to other people

OP posts:

Tillymintpolo · 20/02/2022 19:12

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BitterTits · 20/02/2022 19:13

That's a lot of money. What else.is your cousin paying for to be your bridesmaid?

Your expectation that £250 is normal leads me to feel that your judgement might be a bit off in the rest of your post, so how can anyone really know who's BU?

drpet49 · 20/02/2022 19:15

** I'd sack her off if I were you. So what if she's related to you? She's clearly got a people-problem and will be bringing her shitty behaviour to your wedding day.

Tell her that it's best if she steps down as bridesmaid as she clearly doesn't get on with the rest of the wedding party.**

^This. Your cousin has form for this behaviour. No doubt she’ll kick off at your wedding too.