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What is wrong with me

41 replies

RegretfulRufus · 19/03/2021 09:12

Name change !
I’m not sure where to waffle so if this is difficult to follow I apologise.
I’m so confused and regret my whole life (apart from kids)
My life has been dominated by my insecurities , lack of self esteem and low confidence. Throw in a mental health condition as well and this is why I’ve never achieved anything.
I also suspect that I may be undiagnosed what’s referred to as (Quiet) Borderline Personality. I get sudden mood shifts every day but every 6 weeks or so My mood really plummets ( Contraception or hormonal maybe ? I’m 46 )
I feel it coming on , as it is now ,and I hate it. I feel exhausted and my family start to really grate on me.
I spend my life on what I can only describe as ( high alert) so I’m already hyper vigilant if something happens. It’s usually the same pattern of something happening that upsets me then I will internalise everything (as my fault) and go from my ok plodding along mood to wanting to die and harming myself. Suicidal ideation then goes on for days and I’m tearful and just want to sleep. Which I don’t do because I struggle. If I fall asleep I wake in the early hours then cannot go back to sleep. I feel useless and have no friends , no hobbies , no motivation and no confidence to try or do anything.I work part time ( lone worker ) in a low skilled job. I’m not financially independent . I don’t like change. I’m quite rigid in terms of the way I think. I’m hyper sensitive to everything. I’ve lost friends because if they’ve done something wrong or I feel they don’t like me or I’ve annoyed them then I tend to withdraw myself. I’m not a bad friend in fact I really care for people but I don’t cope with life and then avoid. And convince myself they hate me. Then they don’t bother with me and here we are now friendless.
If Lockdown ever ends then my life frankly will be no different as my world is so small. I’m scared to go anywhere and avoid social gatherings due to fear of people laughing at me.
I feel i have wasted my life that others would have been more deserving of.
I don’t know what I can do to change. I’ve tried CBT for my mental health (BDD) but it doesn’t work without long term support.
I occasionally have private therapy but that switched to virtual or phone calls due to Covid so I stopped it as it’s not the same.
I long to be ambitious and successful and enjoy life but my moods prevent me.
I don’t have a purpose.
I’m writing this to try and distract me from becoming v upset by how I’m feeling but I’m still tearful.I don’t want my mood to escalate.

Can anyone see a way through for me or advise a way forward ?

OP posts:
RegretfulRufus · 19/03/2021 15:49

3beesinmybonnet - I’m so sorry that you also have experienced problems. And had awful trauma in your life. I’m glad that you have managed to ease some of your symptoms of anxiety.
Thanks for replying.
I’m not married and DP is not my kids dad. I feel I can’t show that part of me to him . I’ve been very hurt by men in the past so despite him being a good person I don’t think he would understand.

Eckhart- I guess when I describe myself as not coping I mean that I feel like an emotional time bomb waiting to go off and I don’t want to land myself in trouble by venting frustration at someone for something minor or embarrass myself and burst into tears shaking.

OP posts:
RegretfulRufus · 19/03/2021 19:00

Re Phone call appt. Dr offered meds. Which I Don’t want. Or healthy minds referral who were utterly useless last time.
Or he will find out when mental health nurse is starting at our surgery and put me onto her. Feel no better off really.
Had to go upstairs to take call and I’m worried that my DP was listening and it makes me feel violated. There’s no bloody privacy with these phone calls. I was waiting to go out to car to take call but my kids were on driveway.

OP posts:
3beesinmybonnet · 19/03/2021 21:01

@RegretfulRufus
You say you have no purpose but you are bringing up teenagers, you've split from their father and mention other relationships where you've been badly treated, and you also work part time but on your own, along with numerous other issues including some from childhood. It sounds to me like you've had it really tough but you are holding things together for the sake of those around you despite being stretched to breaking point. You describe your partner as a good man - he chooses to stay with you, he's not being forced to stay. I'm sure he, your children, your dogs and even those you care for in your job would miss you. You certainly haven't wasted your life. But now you need to concentrate on looking after yourself but it's so hard when you feel so low. You do deserve to be happy and you do deserve to have the life you want.

I so hope that you get the help you need soon. In the meantime I find walking makes me feel better - since you have issues about being in public would your partner or one of children go with you to walk the dogs? I also find knitting therapeutic, a while ago it was being recommended as therapy for soldiers with PTSD, maybe just cast on some stitches and knit so there's no pressure to finish anything. (If you are interested there is a huge online community ie Ravelry). I'm just trying to suggest things that might help a little during lockdown until you can access the help you need.

Whatever you want to change about your life remember it often feels like one step forward and two steps back, but break it down into baby steps and you'll get there.

PS: Please don't feel obliged to reply to this post - concentrate on the things that help you and start putting yourself first. Look after yourself xx

RegretfulRufus · 19/03/2021 21:11

3BeesinmyBonnet- Thankyou for your kind words.
I have felt like I’ve wanted to change my whole life. It’s the same thing on repeat.

OP posts:
Dillparsleyandmint · 20/03/2021 02:36

Sorry the GP app didn't give you the results you'd hoped. The range of mh treatments at primary care level are pretty limited though. Do you mind me asking why you have rejected the idea of meds? I know they don't work for everyone.

How about checking in with the mental health care nurse anyway? (You never know, she might be ok? And if nothing else, it would be a source of mortal support? And it may be another route to getting a referral to a psychiatric consultant ie a means of going through the hoops. Worth a shot? Nothing much to lose by trying an app with him or her anyway.)

Snorkello · 20/03/2021 06:53

Hi OP, sorry you are feeling like this. It sounds very similar to lots of people’s experiences. I think many of us can relate.

There’s tons of great advice already here. I get the ‘purpose’ feel. I think this hit me hard in a mini midlife crisis a couple of years ago, and I had many of the same thoughts.

I finally made the move to start a community college course. It’s low pressure, once a week. It’s been amazing to get out the house and I’ve made new friends. It’s really helped me. So even if it’s not retraining, an evening course on flower arranging, painting or something else creative may give you the first step to having something for yourself. Anything creative will be good. As PP have said, confidence will come. You just need that first step.

Your GP sounds rubbish. Please get a new one! You’re already there in terms of wanting to get help, so keep going.

When you’re feeling low, call Samaritans. They are great. They will help and can signpost you if you need it. I’m not a shrink, so I can’t advise you on mental health. But if CBT isn’t for you, there’s plenty of other therapies out there.

Many of us feel we don’t have purpose. Try not to let this get you down. Instrusive thoughts are possibly part of your anxiety. Try and remember when they occur to say, ‘that’s not me, it’s my anxiety’. I read this about coping techniques for Pure OCD. I thought it was a good way to approach feeling low or anxious.

Another good tip re your body dysmorphia it to start talking to yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself you’re beautiful, your kind, that your body is amazing. Women are so sucked into the idea of having to look a certain way to be happy. Frankly, it’s BS. Your body is amazing. It heals itself, it keeps you going, legs are for walking and jumping.

I stopped caring about the way people look at me and my body when I realised they are probably so in their own head they haven’t even noticed me. No one is looking, I promise. We are all so self obsessed we are too busy thinking of ourselves. So when you’re out, try and remember this. It might help your confidence. When you’re ready, go order a coffee.

Other mood boosting things to try - Put on some music and dance. Go for walks in the woods. Stare at the trees, pick up leaves and pine cones. Skip places. It’s amazing how wonderful you will feel by simply skipping. Sing in the shower.

These are silly, minor things. But anything that makes you laugh or smile is good. I get these won’t happen on bad days. But do them on good days and soon you might find you have more good days than bad.

Open up to your partner. If he’s a good man, having someone to be a container for your feelings will be good for you. No need to get too deep, just having someone who listens is good. You will feel lighter for it.

Lots of hugs. It’s hard to get through these feelings, but you will get there x

Cailleach · 20/03/2021 06:58

You may want to read up on ASD in women, OP. Very much under-diagnosed

RegretfulRufus · 20/03/2021 07:56

Dillparsleyandmint - I will go for an appt with the mental health nurse. As you say she may be able to sign post me more accurately.
Re meds , prior to my BDD diagnosis the GP tried all sorts of anti depressant meds and none made any difference. Also I’m on quite a few meds for other health issues so don’t want anymore.

OP posts:
RegretfulRufus · 20/03/2021 08:01

Snorkello - Thankyou for your post and some good ideas. Regarding talking to myself in mirror it reminded me of a CBT tool so I will try that again. I’m supposed to detail what I actually see in the mirror to myself. EG “ I see dark shoulder length hair “

OP posts:
RegretfulRufus · 20/03/2021 08:03

@Cailleach - ASD ? Had never considered this possibility. I will read up on it.

OP posts:
Alovelycupoftea88 · 20/03/2021 08:21

Hi, just wanted to say that I’m sorry you’re struggling. I understand that feeling of your life being on repeat and never feeling fulfilled or stable. Things were very chaotic for me for years and the game changer was psychoanalytic therapy. It’s not an easy road (did it for about three years) and takes commitment in terms of time and money, but it has given me so much more stability and happiness. Things aren’t perfect and I still have ups and downs, but I now feel like a real person if that makes sense. If you can find a way to access psychodynamic/psychoanalytic therapy I would really recommend it. These things always begin with childhood experiences that need working through. Flowers

Dillparsleyandmint · 20/03/2021 08:56

Totally understand about the meds op and I hope the mh nurse can offer you appropriate support. Good luck with everything Flowers

RegretfulRufus · 20/03/2021 10:04

@Dillparsleyandmint Thankyou

@Alovelycupoftea88 I’m glad that you found a way through. I wouldn’t be able to afford that kind of therapy but it sounds effective.

OP posts:
Snorkello · 20/03/2021 11:38

I know the mirror thing seems weird. I suppose it’s a type of mantra. I alway say positive silly things that make me laugh, like “hey beautiful!” “Check you out”. It’s totally weird to start with, but honestly, the sillier the better! Remember it’s not a critique, it’s a compliment to yourself.

RegretfulRufus · 21/03/2021 10:23

@Snorkello Smile
Perhaps I hope I can progress to that.

OP posts:
Snorkello · 21/03/2021 13:51

If it’s not for you, I’m sure there are other ways to boost your confidence OP. Maybe just start off with some mindfulness and walks. Take it one day at a time. Your MH might have some good suggestions too x

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