What is wrong with me

[RegretfulRufus]

Name change !
I’m not sure where to waffle so if this is difficult to follow I apologise.
I’m so confused and regret my whole life (apart from kids)
My life has been dominated by my insecurities , lack of self esteem and low confidence. Throw in a mental health condition as well and this is why I’ve never achieved anything.
I also suspect that I may be undiagnosed what’s referred to as (Quiet) Borderline Personality. I get sudden mood shifts every day but every 6 weeks or so My mood really plummets ( Contraception or hormonal maybe ? I’m 46 )
I feel it coming on , as it is now ,and I hate it. I feel exhausted and my family start to really grate on me.
I spend my life on what I can only describe as ( high alert) so I’m already hyper vigilant if something happens. It’s usually the same pattern of something happening that upsets me then I will internalise everything (as my fault) and go from my ok plodding along mood to wanting to die and harming myself. Suicidal ideation then goes on for days and I’m tearful and just want to sleep. Which I don’t do because I struggle. If I fall asleep I wake in the early hours then cannot go back to sleep. I feel useless and have no friends , no hobbies , no motivation and no confidence to try or do anything.I work part time ( lone worker ) in a low skilled job. I’m not financially independent . I don’t like change. I’m quite rigid in terms of the way I think. I’m hyper sensitive to everything. I’ve lost friends because if they’ve done something wrong or I feel they don’t like me or I’ve annoyed them then I tend to withdraw myself. I’m not a bad friend in fact I really care for people but I don’t cope with life and then avoid. And convince myself they hate me. Then they don’t bother with me and here we are now friendless.
If Lockdown ever ends then my life frankly will be no different as my world is so small. I’m scared to go anywhere and avoid social gatherings due to fear of people laughing at me.
I feel i have wasted my life that others would have been more deserving of.
I don’t know what I can do to change. I’ve tried CBT for my mental health (BDD) but it doesn’t work without long term support.
I occasionally have private therapy but that switched to virtual or phone calls due to Covid so I stopped it as it’s not the same.
I long to be ambitious and successful and enjoy life but my moods prevent me.
I don’t have a purpose.
I’m writing this to try and distract me from becoming v upset by how I’m feeling but I’m still tearful.I don’t want my mood to escalate.

Can anyone see a way through for me or advise a way forward ?

Wanted to add that I’m quite pragmatic in terms of my personality.
I’m kind and empathetic and would help anyone but I always feel like people are going to hurt me in some way. If they do I mentally cut them off even if I continue to interact with them.

Oh Rufus, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

What comes across in your messages is how eloquent you are, and your self-awareness of your behaviours and beliefs that aren't serving you is incredible.

I'm sure you have already, but talking to your GP has to be a start, because you're right, this way of life must be exhausting and mentally draining - no wonder you feel so tearful and so drained. Don't sweep the suicidal thoughts under the carpet - they are very real and must be very scary and need to be addressed, so do mention those to your GP.

One thing you mentioned that really stood out was that you feel you don't have a purpose. Do you work? Can you work around your children? Do you have anything solely for you - a hobby, an interest, exercise, studying? I have a friend who, on paper, has everything you could imagine - no money worries, children, beautiful home, good health and yet she is the most unhappy, emotionally fragile person I know, and I think a lot of it comes down to a lack of purpose. Once the children are at school, she has nothing to occupy her time, her thoughts, capture her enthusiasm or energy, nothing ignites her passion or creativity and as a result, she feels utterly lost.

And I hear you completely about how you cut people off mentally even if you continue to interact with them if you feel they've hurt you. I do just the same and like you, I almost wait for them to hurt me, or leave me, which then makes it more likely that they will.

I wish I could off you more advice, but please see/speak to your GP and keep talking - I'm here, as are others, I'm sure.

Sending love and strength - you've been really brave being so honest about all of this, and you're not on your own.

Sorry Rufus, I realised I didn't read all of your post properly.

I just saw that you work part time but it's not something that sets your heart on fire. Can you look to change this? I know you say you don't like change, but don't view it as change which is scary, instead, can you reframe it as progress or improvement? Is there something you always wished you could do or wanted to experience? Is retraining a possibility?

And no hobbies or interests? Is there nothing at all that could be just for you that appeals? It's simple, but a walk once a day is proven to reduce cortisol which makes you feel stressed and wired, and it may help on the sleep front too. It's hard to motivate yourself but can you via a cafe to get a nice coffee, listen to a podcast (there so many amazing ones out there) and make it something just for you.

I wish I could help more.

Thank you LeopardPrintKnickers for your very kind reply.
GPS pretty useless. Last time I tried to tell GP that if I’m found in the river it’s because I’ve had enough and there is no help. Her response was “ what do you want me to do about it “
Even when I cried she didn’t sympathise.
Last time I self referred for help I was sign posted incorrectly. All of my past notes gone due to organisation changes. I complained to PALS. Got 12 CBT sessions. Then off you go.
I know contact with GP is the correct pathway but I’m exhausted and cannot face having the door shut in my face again.
Yes I work part- time (1-1 care) and I do kind of like my line of work but would love to be qualified. Retraining I don’t think I would cope with yet I would love to. I’m so low self esteem I would panic. Plus the costs of it. retraining would be expensive.

Sorry I didn’t answer all of your questions.
I find it impossible to be in public alone for fear of ridicule. So going to a coffee shop would never be something I do. I do walk my dogs but again if by a road I panic as it’s too public.
I used to enjoy running but due to a leg injury i can’t anymore. Last time I exercised I hurt myself so have no motivation.

I’ve booked a GP phone call for tonight but I’m scared and dreading it

Firstly, well done for booking the appointment. Is it with the same GP or a different one - do you have a choice at your practice? Be open and honest about how you're feeling. I'm so sorry you had such a shitty response before - that's the very last thing anyone in the caring profession should say. Don't be tempted to play it down - be honest about just far things have gone and how it's affecting your daily life. Share some of what you've written in your post - have it front of you so you can easily articulate your feelings.

You mention you've self referred - it's definitely worth exploring that again. Here, you can access it online without a referral - you complete a questionnaire and they assess your needs and arrange support, but I know it's not always that simple.

As for being out in public - it's a big question, but why do you think you'd be ridiculed? Are there places that feel safe right now, and if so, can you stick with those while you build up your confidence. It sounds like your self esteem is in tatters and confidence is zero, but both of those can be improved, but with small steps. Do you have a partner? And how old are your children?

Some small practical things that occurred to me: some of this could be connected to your age and being peri-menopausal. When you speak to the doctor, it may be worth asking for bloods to be done? It's also worth mentioning lack of sleep to the GP because that will be a contributing factor too.

Also with the daily mood shifts - how are your eating and drinking habits? I'm terrible for not eating, then eating rubbish, not drinking, then just having caffeine and I know I can feel a bit all over the place when I do that. Do you have breakfast, lunch and dinner? Do you drink enough water? All tiny things but could help, even if just a little?

There’s not much choice at my surgery. I book a phone call via an app and then have who’s available. I don’t know any of the GPS so there’s no continuity of care.
Self referral didn’t work out for me last time as I was wrongly signposted. This distressed me further.
Hormones could play a part in making it worse I can ask. I think it’s lack of support and covid making it worse.
I have severe diagnosed Body dysmorphic Disorder so I fear ridicule on my looks constantly. So avoid public places where I can.
My kids are teens and nearly grown up. I have a partner who is a good man. He doesn’t know my diagnosis so I struggle as he doesn’t understand. He notices my moods shift though. I’m not horrible to him , more withdrawn and critical in myself.

I appreciate you taking time to respond to me. Thankyou.

I eat ok as I’m constantly watching my weight. ( hypothyroid) 3 healthy meals.

What was your relationship like with your parents when you were growing up? What was their relationship like with each other?

You've explained how you feel so well (I relate to a lot of it) could you read this post to your gp so as you don't miss anything out and they can understand the full extent of your feelings?
Perhaps try and ask if your surgery has a mental health nurse as well as they are ime much more helpful and the appointments tend to be 15/20 minutes rather than 5.
I really hope you can get the help you need and that things improve for you

Eckhart
My parents have a solid loving relationship but my sibling took up a lot of their headspace and energy when I was growing up. Especially when I was a teen and because of her mental health l left home at 17. She killed herself years ago.

Withpeaceandlove - that sounds a good suggestion but I don’t think that there is one in my surgery.

@RegretfulRufus

Eckhart My parents have a solid loving relationship but my sibling took up a lot of their headspace and energy when I was growing up. Especially when I was a teen and because of her mental health l left home at 17. She killed herself years ago.

In answer to your question, then, there is nothing wrong with you. You have been conditioned to feel second best, and in a healthy mind, that leads to

My life has been dominated by my insecurities , lack of self esteem and low confidence

You don't have to win the battle against your insecurities. You have to recognise that the battle doesn't exist.

You make a fight every day for yourself, and then spend all day trying to win it. Don't make the fight. If you sit quietly, now, for one minute, you will understand that there is not a fight to be had. Nothing is happening. A lot of the time when you feel stressed or upset, you can start to recognise that nothing is actually happening. You are just sitting in a room. Learn to recognise the 'nothing is actually happening' feeling. As you get more and more familiar with it, over days and weeks, start to recognise it outside, too, and around other people.

The more times nothing is happening, the better. Find something you love. Music, or drawing, or reading or learning or anything creative at all. Do it when nothing is happening. Fill all your gaps with it.

I fought for a long time against the feeling that there was something wrong with me, that I was faulty. Recognising that I was largely the same as everybody else was a huge relief, but also very very scary, because it gave me the responsibility for my own life and my own happiness. I couldn't blame my unhappiness on the fact that I was weird any more. But choosing to take responsibility for your own unhappiness, and for changing it, is the best decision you will ever make.

We are all faulty. In the nicest possible way, you are just the same as everybody else: nice person, bit screwed up. Don't make yourself special by being the one who chose to stay unhappy for their whole life.

Eckhart - thanks for your concise detailed reply. I’m not sure I can do you justice with my response.
I understand that sitting with the feelings makes sense but I become so panicked. It’s like my fight and flight response never turns off.
I really want to feel fulfilled and try to gain interests in things. I did begin reading again but cannot motivate myself to start again. I literally want to achieve so much but don’t have to any motivation to do anything.
I would love to gain an academic qualification. But how do I find the self confidence to do this. ?

Your most makes a lot of sense to me

Post

It's gradual. Don't over face yourself. Do a minute first. Do a minute on the hour every hour. Just sit there. Nothing will happen. Gradually increase it. Sneak up on yourself

Self confidence is a label. You don't need the label of self confidence to a course. Or 10 courses. Or to become a professor. You don't need it for anything.

Break things down. Do a little tiny thing every day towards what you want. Instead of self confidence, you need a list or practical steps that you will need to take to do a course. You can choose a course - you don't need self confidence for that. You can request a prospectus. You don't need self confidence for that. Need self confidence to fill in a form? Nope. Attend the first day? Well, no, because you can be shitting yourself just like everybody else! All you have to do is show up.

What qualification would you like to get? In your wildest dreams? Whatever it is, it starts with a step you can do today. In this hour. In this minute. If you don't know what it is, then deciding is part of the journey, and you can start that right now. Sitting quietly. Whilst nothing is happening.

Be a snail going across a football field. Be at the beginning. It's going to take you fucking ages. But that's what life is for.

*to do a course

Self confidence is a symptom of doing stuff for yourself, by the way. It's not an ingredient you need before you start doing things for yourself. It isn't going to wander along one day and say 'Hey, you feel good enough to apply for this course now!'. What happens is that you apply for a course (whilst absolutely bricking it), have an interview (still bricking it, and worse), start your course (having heart failure from sheer panic), get a half decent mark on an essay, and then, next time you have to apply for something, you think 'Oh, I did this before. It's not that bad once you know what to expect, actually.' And voila! Self confidence.

Is there any way you can see a psychiatrist, even if you have to pay? I'm not a healthcare professional, but I think that at the very least have clinical depression, which is a medical condition that requires medication and professional monitoring.

I'm in the US, and someone having suicidal ideation is a medical emergency here. A &e doctors will stabilize you, admit you to the hospital if necessary and refer you for treatment, either outpatient or inpatient.

In your shoes I would try that route. Go to a&e and tell them you're suicidal. Suicidal ideation is nothing to mess with.

Eckhart - can you live in my head lol
You make a lot of sense. You really do ! I feel like I’m insulting you with my negativity.
When I have tried things before something goes wrong and ends in disaster so that’s why I avoid stuff.
I can’t cope with smallest of challenges.

LifeExperience - I couldn’t afford a private Psychiatry consult.
I kind of live with thinking that eventually I will take my own life.
It’s not that I’m not grateful for life but because my suffering ( although nothing /minor to some peoples) is too painful and I can’t bear to live with the pain. My mood can literally be like “ oh it’s a beautiful sunny day “ to “ I want to walk in front of a lorry”

'Not coping' is also a label. Not coping consists of sitting in a room and nothing actually happening. There's no team of people pointing and waving flags to alert the world to the fact that you're a 'not coper'.

You have a challenge, you fail. Who gives a flying fandoodle? Find me the person who has never screwed up a bunch of things in their life, and I'll give you all my money, and a bag of fish and chips. We all screw up.

Again: You're not special. It's terrifying to admit it, but admit it. You can do things just as well and just as badly as anybody else. You have your strengths and weaknesses, just like all the successful happy rich people. You need to learn to make different choices, not to be a different person.

I clicked on your thread because I also constantly used to wonder what was wrong with me. I thought I was the only person with my particular set of issues and was terrified of going to the doctor about it because they would then see what was inside my head and see what I was really like.

Things came to a head one day when I just couldn't make myself go in work so I booked an emergency appointment with the GP instead. He said it was anxiety , asked if my husband was a good man and advised me to tell him how I felt and if it didn't work to book a normal appointment as they had plenty of treatment options. I was also depressed but refused to admit it. He said they had more patients turning up with anxiety than any other single complaint, it's so common.
I went home and told my husband, who listened, was sympathetic and did his best to help. It did help but it took a lot longer than it should as I refused to go back to the GP.

Then my mother's death triggered my facing up to childhood sexual abuse by my older brother and I realised on working through it that that was 'what was wrong with me '. The low self esteem, the anxiety and depression stemmed from childhood abuse, which meant it wasn't my fault. Ironically by the time I felt able to open up to a professional I no longer needed to. Instead I opened up to my husband who is a good listener and likes to help others. Just having someone listen and sympathise while I poured it all out and worked through it made such a difference. I'm now a different person. I accept myself faults included, I'm no longer a people pleaser and I organise my life to suit me, I have boundaries. I still can get mild anxiety and can feel down but if it doesn't go I now wouldn't hesitate to see the GP.

Sorry if I've waffled on about myself but maybe some of it will resonate with you and you'll realise your very much not alone in feeling this way.

Obviously I'm not a professional but I think you should definitely consider the possibility that the way you feel now could be rooted in your experiences when you were young.

I had a GP years ago who minimised every ailment I told her about. Please insist on seeing a different GP and tell them what you've told us. Read it out to them if necessary. If they're not listening ask your husband to ring them. If you tend to downplay your concerns yourself ask him to ensure certain things are discussed. Sometimes being a strong woman means marshaling your troops.

You say your husband is a good man. If so please open up to him otherwise he cannot help you. Just having someone to listen can make such a difference. Maybe show him what you've written here, and tell him what happened in your childhood and how it affected you. You could start this now -today .

Good luck x

Op , have you had a think about what you want from your telephone app with the GP tonight? Have you thought about what your objectives are? Maybe write down a few notes - help with suicidal thoughts, or mood stability or BDD? Do you want to be referred to a psychiatrist or be prescribed medication or talking therapy? Please try not to dread it. Try and think if it as an opportunity to move your life forwards in a positive way. I imagine that the way to get the gp on board is to demonstrate you are taking responsibility and have a definite direction in mind that you want to follow with their help.

Good luck op, I hope the app goes well and really hope you get the support you need

Eckhart your advice is really really good. I've c&p'd some of it to save for a day when I am feeling discouraged. Thank you.