Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Midwife has referred us to Social Services

348 replies

Nixina · 26/09/2020 16:31

I'm looking for some information about our future.

DH and I are doing well financially, I've got a very good job, he's self employed. We have a decent home and garden in a good neighbourhood, and are both well educated.

However at booking when I filled out the questionnaire about us the midwife was a bit concerned and had me fill out a more detailed form about our relationship. My score was low, but the items raised about DHs behaviour to me and our pets when he was depressed and suicidal a few years back had her raise me with her safeguarding lead, and now they want to involve social services.

I'm just wondering if anyone can give me some insight into what to expect.

OP posts:
nevernotstruggling · 27/09/2020 23:55

18 months ago he was screaming at me and didn't think I was listening, so grabbed me and held me down which scared me. He then left and since he had done that to me I was thought he was about to commit suicide so called the police out of concern for his life and ended up having to tell them what he had just done. They came to see me and sent me a 'victim leaflet' and suggested he got counselling.

I'm not surprised the mw made the referral. Please get help x

Inkpaperstars · 27/09/2020 23:57

@Alwaysinpain

OP why on earth did you tell the midwife all that??? Big mistake.

Social services are now very likely to say to you that if you don't leave him, then they'll apply for an order to take your baby at birth.

Apologies for being blunt but it's very, very likely now I'm afraid

I don't think it was a mistake. Please continue to be honest with social services and medical professionals, the police if necessary. They have your baby's best interests at heart and but being honest you can can the help and advice you need. You don't need to be in denial or staying with a man who could harm you or your baby, which is all lying would help with.
SprinkleKnees · 27/09/2020 23:59

@Alwaysinpain

OP why on earth did you tell the midwife all that??? Big mistake.

Social services are now very likely to say to you that if you don't leave him, then they'll apply for an order to take your baby at birth.

Apologies for being blunt but it's very, very likely now I'm afraid

Thank God she did eh because this guy is dangerous Hmm
AlexaShutUp · 28/09/2020 00:02

OP, I'm so sorry.Flowers

What you have described is really concerning. It sounds like you have normalised his behaviour in your head, but what he has done is definitely abusive, no question. Holding you down, throwing things, screaming in the dog's face and shaking him...none of these are acceptable behaviour. The concern is that it will probably get much worse when your baby arrives because babies do put pressure on relationships.

It sounds like you have tried to convince yourself that it's all in the past now, but deep down, I think you know it isn't. You seem to have accepted a share of the responsibility for keeping him calm, which is not right. He alone is responsible for his own actions and reactions.

Depression is no excuse, by the way. My dh has experienced a lot of mental health issues in the time that we have been together, but he would never dream of behaving towards me or anyone else as you describe.

I realise that it will be frightening to consider having a baby on your own, but I really think you need to get away. There is no judgement from me here about why you have stayed until now. I have two close friends who both left abusive relationships last year, and both of them had fallen into a pattern of minimising their husbands' behaviour because it was just too horrible to contemplate the grim reality. Now they have both left, they both wish that they had had the courage to do it years ago.

You don't have to live like this, OP. You and your baby deserve better.

ChavvySexPond · 28/09/2020 00:02

Christ.

Reading about what he did to your pet and to you has made me feel sick.

Thank god for your midwife.

You playing it down OP makes me worry that you've become used to a certain level of abuse and walking on eggshells to keep him calm.

I am very glad social services are going to be involved in your baby's life.

I think it's for the best.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2020 00:04

Sorry OP bit I'm another one concerned that neither of you appreciate how fricking stressful newborn babies can be and the "we work at keeping him calm" will go to hell I a handcart when the colicky baby has screed for hours on end, your both exhausted, and the house is a mess. And that's before you're back working full time with an 8 week old in childcare to contend with.

Please take the SS referral seriously and remember no one comes before this child. If it comes to a choice, there is only one choice. And your actions will not cause his action, he's choosing them himself

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2020 00:06

@Alwaysinpain
OP why on earth did you tell the midwife all that??? Big mistake.
Are you advocating that people like about the advise they suffer so that none can help safeguard them and their children??

WhenAWrenVisits · 28/09/2020 00:07

I feel like if you’ve agreed to have a baby with this man you are very naive about how much hard work and stressful and difficult having kids can be. I’m so glad SS are involved. I think you and particularly your baby are in a very dangerous situation. Even more so because you don’t seem to recognise the danger at all.

AlexaShutUp · 28/09/2020 00:10

I'm sure the OP does recognise the danger - she has had to live with it, after all, and is now invested in keeping him calm. I think she is probably trying to convince herself that it will be ok, but deep down, I'm sure she knows.

Livelifejoyful · 28/09/2020 00:23

If it was two years ago why did you even mention it? I would of said we are great and not mentioned any of that! You've kind of brung the SS into your life yourself.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 28/09/2020 00:27

When he was enraged if the dog tried to get attention he would pick it up and scream in its face

Not a man anyone should stay with let alone breed with.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2020 00:28

@Livelifejoyful

If it was two years ago why did you even mention it? I would of said we are great and not mentioned any of that! You've kind of brung the SS into your life yourself.
Perhaps the face op mentioned it after 2 years means she's not actually feeling as safe as she should be at this time. A man who is abusive when stressed is not a safe person to be having a baby with. Cannot believe people on here are advocating lying to protect him and putting op and her baby at increased risk
Alwaysinpain · 28/09/2020 00:28

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@Alwaysinpain
OP why on earth did you tell the midwife all that??? Big mistake.
Are you advocating that people like about the advise they suffer so that none can help safeguard them and their children??[/quote]
Do NOT put words in my mouth nor twist what I have said

lakesidewinter · 28/09/2020 00:30

She answered honestly questions she was asked.
She was asked the questions because they screen for risk.
I can't imagine anyone reading this and feeling that a newborn in this family is not at any increased risk.
Yes lying might have kept health and social services from becoming involved but that is unlikely to have been in the baby's best interest.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2020 00:33

@Alwaysinpain I and a question. That isn't putting words in your mouth, it's asking you to clarify the intent behind the words that came out your mouth

Alwaysinpain · 28/09/2020 00:34

@HoofWankingSpangleCunt

I've reported your shockingly ignorant and incorrect post alwaysinpain.
Mumsnet have no issue with what I said, my post still stands. Just because you don't agree, doesn't mean it needs to be deleted!

I suggest you read my post again and see what the point is that I was trying to make. Op needs to leave this man or she will risk having her child taken away. Abrupt but not untrue. She knows he's violent. It's good that she told the Midwife that he was abusive, and that she needs to leave But going into graphic detail has made her look negligent for having stayed when it's never that clear cut. I've been in a relationship just like this, whilst pregnant with his child. I wasn't negligent I was fucking scared! That's what I was trying to get across for goodness sake! 🤦🏼‍♀️

How dare you call me 'ignorant?!'

Alwaysinpain · 28/09/2020 00:35

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@Alwaysinpain I and a question. That isn't putting words in your mouth, it's asking you to clarify the intent behind the words that came out your mouth[/quote]
Nothing came out of my mouth! You don't have any right to question my post, it was directed at OP, not you

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2020 00:38

@Alwaysinpain you seen to have missed the bit where your replies on a public forum, not a pm to op, and as such your posts are open to comments and opinions from others. You do not, of course, have to reply to any questions posed to you or defend your point of view. You're quite entitled to ignore me, but you're paying in the wrong place if you think you're post is only subject to comment by the op

nocoolnamesleft · 28/09/2020 00:40

Oh god. This could end up with a shaken baby. I've seen that kill babies. I've seen it leave them permanently severely brain damaged. The midwife is 100% right to involve social services to assess properly.

Shannith · 28/09/2020 00:43

I am also very glad SS are going to be involved in this babies life. OP you are minimising but I think you know it's not good and I'm glad you revealed this to the midwife whether you meant to or not.

SS won't give a toss what class you are. That your DH has been violent to you and the dog and that you are downplaying it is why they are quite rightly concerned for you and your child's safety.

Please cooperate fully with them and tell the whole truth. If you don't you'll make things worse not better.

PivotPivott · 28/09/2020 00:44

He shook the dog. He can shake the baby.
Midwife done the right thing and honestly I would never ever trust him with a baby.

I actually fear for your baby. I'm sorry but no way would I be with him. He's violent.

nhsnamechange · 28/09/2020 00:49

Oh, OP. Your update honestly sent shivers
down my spine.

The referral is absolutely justified, I would have done the same.

Having a new baby is a huge stress factor. You try to keep your dog calm? Babies cry and sometimes you can't stop them. If he shakes your baby how he shook your dog your baby could suffer a catastrophic brain injury, or death.

I would have your family referred into social care, and would be hoping for a child protection plan for your unborn baby.

You don't seem to see it, which is very worrying, but I would be, and am, extremely concerned about what you are describing. Work with social care, with your midwife and health visitor. You have to put your baby's needs first.

I would be getting away from this man now, before your baby is born, but you aren't. How do you plan to safeguard your baby when you are living with someone who is such a risk to them? I don't see how it's possible. This is what social care will want to know.

It's really important that social care have all of the information, about his behaviour towards your dog, and to you.

nhsnamechange · 28/09/2020 00:50

Don't back track on the information you have already given. It is really important that you are open and honest with them.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 28/09/2020 00:51

AlwaysInPain, what you type and what you say you meant are contradicting each other. Your use of words such as "graphic detail" and "making herself look negligent" indicate you're projecting a hell of a lot. I found it interesting that you then disclosed an abusive relationship. I am sorry you went through that. Even more of a reason, I'd have thought to condone an atmosphere of honesty and transparency. To get the correct support etc.

You also are coming across as quite combative to other posters.
I'm going to stop now as it's derailing the thread but you don't get to dictate who responds to you, it's a public forum.

Shayisgreat · 28/09/2020 00:53

I think you can expect a social worker to give you a call and ask if you consent to an assessment of your circumstances to be completed. I strongly recommend that you agree to the assessment.

They will ask you to consent to them contacting all of the services you and your partner are involved with (probably just GP, midwife and mental health) and they will visit to discuss the referral with you and explain why they are concerned.

They will wish to risk assess your partner and may consider that he needs to do additional work to manage his anger/violence. If either of you minimise his violence the social worker will be concerned about the safety of your baby.

What you've written is violence and abuse. I would be really frightened if that happened in my home life. You deserve to live in a place that isn't frightening. The social worker's job is to make sure that your baby isn't living in a frightening home where s/he could be harmed by a man who can't manage his anger. You also need to realise that living in a home where there is violence between the parents is emotionally harmful to children (even if you think they aren't aware of it.)