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Original poster

Midwife has referred us to Social Services

348 replies

Nixina · 26/09/2020 16:31

I'm looking for some information about our future.

DH and I are doing well financially, I've got a very good job, he's self employed. We have a decent home and garden in a good neighbourhood, and are both well educated.

However at booking when I filled out the questionnaire about us the midwife was a bit concerned and had me fill out a more detailed form about our relationship. My score was low, but the items raised about DHs behaviour to me and our pets when he was depressed and suicidal a few years back had her raise me with her safeguarding lead, and now they want to involve social services.

I'm just wondering if anyone can give me some insight into what to expect.

OP posts:
FlowerTink · 27/09/2020 22:55

I want to add too that SS will be looking for you to show that you can put your baby ahead of him, and that if it came to a choice you would choose your baby first and you would actively take steps to protect your baby, eg. Leaving. What you've written is concerning and I really urge you to work with them and do all they tell you.

charliehunnamssixpack · 27/09/2020 22:58

Fucking hell Shock I can't believe how you describe him holding you down and screaming in your dog's face like they were minor incidents. This isn't normal behaviour. This isn't normal behaviour at all. What else happened? What other incidents where the police weren't involved? Why did you stick around, and was your own upbringing abusive? Because I can't for one minute understand how you don't understand this is a massive cause for concern. Babies bring stress, sleep deprivation, lack of sex, changes to everything. How's he going to cope with all that?!

TBHno · 27/09/2020 23:01

Please rehome your dog op Sad

Miseryl · 27/09/2020 23:01

You, the dog and the baby all need to get the hell away from him or all three of you could end up badly hurt, or worse.

SBTLove · 27/09/2020 23:02

What have I just read? Held you down, abused your dog, has violent rages and you work at keeping him calm?
Why did you stay with this man never mind get pregnant? Christ on a bike!!!

CloudyVanilla · 27/09/2020 23:04

I'm so sorry OP :(

I agree with other posters that you can't really know how much a baby can change even a good relationship. It sounds like you are scared of him and that life is okay because you put a lot of energy into managing his moods and your behaviour as as not to trigger any reason for him to kick off.

Having a baby adds so much to cope with. You will both be tired and snappy. The baby will need constant attention from you which I've heard some men take really poorly too, especially abusive ones.

I was holding out hope that your dp was like this because his MH was so low, but good men do not act this way even when suffering, and if they do then they should be seeking professional help.

I really worry for you and your baby to be honest. I'm glad you will be getting support and I hope you come to feel it's the best thing that someone else is looking out for you.

Frenzies · 27/09/2020 23:05

@amispeakingenglish

Bloody hell is this a new thing! Asking about your relationship!!!! Bit of an overstep isn't it. She's a midwife not a marriage guidance counselor. What on earth did you put to flag this up? I would retract everything tell her to butt out, unless this is a cry for help?
It’s not an overstep at all. Nor does a midwife have the slightest interest in who puts out the bins or whether you’re happy/plodding/unfaithful. But if something you disclose at booking suggests domestic violence, either in the past or a future risk ( more common in pregnancy), h/she has a duty of care to mother and baby.
NoSquirrels · 27/09/2020 23:06

You sound pretty detached from the abuse, OP.

It was abuse. Most men don’t shake animals in rage, hold their loved ones down and scream at them, or act like giant rage-filled toddlers.

Take the SS help - support for you can only be a good thing.

PanamaPattie · 27/09/2020 23:07

I think the referral is the least of your problems. You need to get away from him before his behaviour escalates when your baby is born - you know it will - that's why you are asking for advice. You will find it more difficult to leave once your baby is here and so you had better make plans to leave and get somewhere safe. Now.

Frenzies · 27/09/2020 23:08

Oh, OP. Don’t minimise his past behaviour. I am see exactly why your midwife was concerned for the safety of you and your baby.

PurplePansy05 · 27/09/2020 23:13

I'd say the referral sounds justified.

Your description of the past incidents is very concerning. I'd seriously worry about what he could do to a baby if he can hold, shake and scream at a harmless animal. Also the way he treated you shows he's out of control when enraged. I think you're delusional if you think you or him can control it and in any event it's not ok for you to live your life trying not to make him angry. Certainly doesn't sound safe for you, your dog and your baby when s/he arrives.

newnameforthis123 · 27/09/2020 23:21

When he was enraged if the dog tried to get attention he would pick it up and scream in its face. I may have mentioned shaking it slightly at the last appointment, and that may be what prompted the SS referral, but I'm not even sure I remember that correctly anymore as it was 2 years ago. 18 months ago he was screaming at me and didn't think I was listening, so grabbed me and held me down which scared me.

Thank god for midwives like her. This is terrifying OP. You don't seem to have any idea how shocking this is as I suspect he's been abusive far more than you realise.

He has absolutely been physically violent to you and the dog - throwing things, holding you down and screaming in a dogs face.

Do you still have the dog?! A baby is a lot more stressful than a dog. You "try to keep him calm"?

I would be very worried about the baby too, she absolutely unequivocally did the right thing to report this.

newnameforthis123 · 27/09/2020 23:24

I do not appreciate all the judgement, it says more about the biases you all have towards 'council estates' and poor/'well-to-do' people than me.

If a rich man, a millionaire, screamed in a dogs face and held his wife down then I would think he was a nasty, bullying, violent, scary arsehole too and I would absolutely think the midwife did the right thing.

It's not judgemental to call abuse abuse, it's valid. What you said is more shocking than anything I thought - he screamed in a dog's face. What the fuck?!

Alwaysinpain · 27/09/2020 23:26

Your first paragraph about how much you earn and where you live has absolutely no bearing on your post. Rich people do abuse kids and partner too you know!! Social services don’t just deal with ‘chavs on benefits’

THIS!!!!!! Hmm

Massivechocolatecake · 27/09/2020 23:30

If he picks the baby up and shakes it, like he did the dog, he could cause catastrophic brain injuries or death. Could you ever really trust he wouldn't be the same way again with all the stresses and pressures a new baby brings.

Your baby, dog and you deserve so much better.

UsernameNotValid · 27/09/2020 23:31

My DH had a complete mental and emotional breakdown when our kids were 1 and 7.

Not once was he physically or verbally abusive towards me or the kids and I still felt like I had to kick him out for all of our sakes.

Your baby needs to be your priority, not managing a grown mans mood swings. If mine had done either of the things you described I wouldn't have taken him back after lots of professional help and guidance.

You seem to have normalised/minimised these incidents which is concerning with stressful times ahead.

Alwaysinpain · 27/09/2020 23:32

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PickAChew · 27/09/2020 23:35

Not surprised you've been referred. He sounds like an absolute tit.

LeroyJenkinssss · 27/09/2020 23:37

What did your friends and family say about this and did you tell them all of it? Because honestly what you’ve described is awful and that midwife is doing absolutely the right thing.

And actually I think how you’ve described your life/circumstances is very telling. We imagine that domestic abuse happens in chaotic, high stress environments and so what is happening in your own calm comfortable reasonable life can’t possibly be domestic violence. But it is. And he doesn’t actually need a reason to be that way - it’s just him. You could have the perfect life and he could still flip out. He showed 2 years ago what he was like - that was his true self and the midwife knows you need support. Speak to the SW and be open minded as to their advice and opinions - they’ve sadly seen dozens if not hundreds of women from all walks of life in the same boat as you.

WeEE · 27/09/2020 23:39

I feel awful for saying this, but he sounds really dangerous.

If he is capable of doing that to a dog, then he could do way worse to a baby. Babies tip you over the edge when they are screaming, crying and whingeing for hours on end. The most sane people struggle with a newborn baby, so I would hate to think how your partner would cope.

I wouldn't trust my partner to look after my baby with a history like that. I know you say he has changed a lot since then etc, but he clearly has an anger issue and having a baby will bring that right back out.

bloodywhitecat · 27/09/2020 23:47

Please don't stay with this poor excuse for a man. I have worked with babies that have suffered a brain injury at the hands of their parent, their lives are changed forever and all because an adult gave them a shake.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 27/09/2020 23:51

I've reported your shockingly ignorant and incorrect post alwaysinpain.

Noti23 · 27/09/2020 23:52

And why would you want a man-sized, angry, unpredictable toddler around your baby? You probably don’t recognise the level of abuse you face. Reading this post has left me feeling physically ill with dread for your baby. It doesn’t matter how long ago this happened.

OneEpisode · 27/09/2020 23:52

Who else do you have that could support you? Mum, sister, nearby?

lakesidewinter · 27/09/2020 23:54

OP why on earth did you tell the midwife all that??? Big mistake.

Yes because lying about the reality of your life will definitely make your new born baby safer!

If social services want to have some supervision over your family it will be because there is a risk that needs keeping an eye on.

Don't panic and assume that you will be asked to leave your DP. But equally don't minimize the potential risk that he poses your newborn dc.

Newborns can really push anyone's buttons and you and your DH are focused on keeping your DH calm at present. Your DC won't be, they will scream just as much as they feel the need to.

If your DH shakes your DC he could easily kill your DC or cause life long injuries. It is hard to over state how vulnerable to shaking new babies are.

There is already a police report about domestic violence and your DH.

Your DH needs to understand that he will be considered a potentially serious risk to his dc, does he understand this?

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