Is it abuse what can I do?

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I am exhausted I have 2 DS and 1SD. Been with him 8 years and married 3 years. he belittled me tells me to shh little girl. Says I am solely reliant on him- at the moment he’s been furloughed however been on maternity leave since April 2019. I get told that I Would be a prostitute to kett ET p a roof over me. I am a teacher, although supply. I am desperately trying to get a post. Every interview I don’t get the job get told well same story every time. You are not a professional. He laughs how much teachers are paid. He calls me a s lag and to f off in front on our children. He complains every dinner time, has thrown food in face whilst eating at the table because he did not like his meal. He tries to teach me lessons.example He said he didn’t want DS2. That I promised to do everything for DS2. I did and I do everything but I asked him to put the buggy in the car he said no cuz it was DS2’s buggy. Went to the beach cuz the pram wasn’t in the car he walked off with DS1 I had the bags and DS2 he made us walk the other side of the beach to teach me not to forget... he has a dog. I nag every day to pick the poop up. Owner of a dog for 15 years I know they like to be Clean I want to be clean I want me kids to be clean yet he says well you do it but I ain’t if you want it done. He has done the bins 5 times 8 years we have been together. He plays the victim card then when it suits. He won’t do things as a family just stays in the bed room. I mentioned that he said he would call the police on me for breaking the rules that it was more than 5 miles and wouldn’t look good having a criminal record when applying for jobs. I don’t even know what health relationship is any more. How much do we take? I am sad but I love him. I explain it isn’t about love this is about respect. He just says old dog won’t change. He said he isn’t prepared to change his ways. Is this what we are bound for? Anyone with An idea? Is this abuse?

Sorry re read... I told him I was going to my mums but he said he would report me. Just so you know this is just the icing on the cake. I have had my hair singed because I spoke to his friend. This happened in public at a wedding. He has spat at me. Grabbed me. We went on a weekend away before my DS with my SD he said I was too slow so throw my clothes out of suit case I had to go away with no clothes. He stopped in Tesco and got me things to wear for the weekend. But I still had marks on my neck from when he grabbed me. He has thrown his chair dog lead against the bonnet of my car and indented it all... was on pcp I had to pay the damages. He told me if I want him to go I have to pay him 60k and if we went to court he would set the house on fire and claim his was mentally unwell.... he is on anti depressants. I have been getting ready for nights out with my friends he would get scampi fries and break them all up throw in my car so my friends knew I was a slag cuz I smelt of fish. I had bruises on my arms on my wedding day... make up artist had to cover them up. The other morning I wanted to sleep he had the tele on at 5 am I tried to grab the remote to turn it down he squeezed my fingers between the remotes. He smashed the door of hotel when on our honey moon. I am tired. I can not to do. House he brought before he was with me I am not on mortgage or deeds. I just put a thing in to land registry to say I have a matrimonial right on the house. I called a solicitor. I am worried. I need to get out but I don’t want to lose the only thing I have with the kids. His daughter won’t spend time with him cuz of how he speaks to her. She called me a name and I told her she lost her phone she said that it didn’t matter cuz daddy calls me names and he doesn’t have consequences so why should she. I gave in gave the phone back to. She is right. She was like just get a divorce already if I were you I would have left him years ago.

I don’t have the advice on how but you need to get out he is a total dick

I have previously told midwife DS2 i couldn’t cope with him. I was off sick when pregnant he then took time off work said he needed help mentally cuz I was pregnant he didn’t want it and was anxious. Told me sickness in my head something wrong with me. When in hospital after 2 weeks after giving birth to DS1 he threw my shoes off me and left with the baby didn’t help me. I cried leaving the hospital. He used to come in and eat my food I was given in hospital saying that he didn’t have time to eat. I told my employer some things but I break down in work because he accused me of killing my dog. I didn’t he had cancer etc and vet put him down he was 15 with a good life it broke me. He said I took him to the slaughter house. I also told employer about when he said he used to say that he would wrap me in the duvet and beat me up cuz that way the bruises wouldn’t show. There was a marac meeting. I was a wreck for weeks. He said if I say he will poison the kids against me. I am so worried. I love my boys so much I want to be happy and enjoy them. He said that he will say it is in my head he never done these things. I can not do it any more no more

Of course it's abuse! He seems all talk and no bite with his threats! Do you have somewhere you can go and take the kids?

Yes.
@mumsnethq can this go somewhere busier so OP gets some great advice from people who know? Relationships?

You need help, sweetheart, and so do your children.

I do but I am from the midlands ... I live in south west Wales now with him. I have no family here

Better still call women's aid.

Wales have a restriction. I can not afford to have him call the police and have me done for not following. And if I leave the house do I lose my right over the house?

Could a family member drive up collect you and the kids and take you back to your families?

His dad came yesterday cuz I started to tell him what he was like. His dad wants us to talk and try and work through it. I can’t any more

This is heartbreaking to read, he is abusing you in many ways.

Do you have any where to go?
Woman's aid would be a good place to start, they have a online chat service.

What is he going to report you to the police for?

You need to report him to the police!

I whatsapp my SD last night and explained that that Daddo has spoke to daddy and hopefully he will listen. Her response yeah he probably didn’t lol. I replied we can only but hope.

I sound so pathetic... like he said she said

Ok the online chat I will start there

Fucking hell, you can’t stay with him or raise your kids with this abusive man. You say you love him? Why? He hates you, he doesn’t have a shred of respect for you.

You need to go to your family, I promise you, he will never change. I hate this guy and I’ve never met him.

Are you perfectly sure that you are restricted? Certainly in England when even the tightest restrictions were in force there was consideration given in the legislation for domestic violence. And this is domestic violence.

Please get out of this situation. You don't want your children to model your relationship in their future lives. He has worn you down to the point where you don't see how bad this really is, and sadly it sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg. Bruises on your wedding day? Wrapped in a duvet so he could hit you without the bruises showing? Come on. Surely this is safeguarding 101? You know this is wrong. You have to get out of this for your children and you.

Call the police. Call Women's Aid. Get help. I don't doubt that you love him, but he doesn't love you. He doesn't even respect you as a human being or the mother of his children. Please please get out now. He is controlling and manipulative. No court in England & Wales is going to pursue you in these circumstances for going beyond the 5 mile limit. It's a red herring. Please just get out.

Yes this is abuse! You need to leave this man for your own sake and that of your children. That is no way to live!!

fuck the 5 mile rule, it doesn't apply if you need to get to safety. fuck him. nasty vile abuser. Get WA help to escape. My heart cries for you.

I highly doubt you would be prosecuted for breaking the 5 mile rule for fleeing domestic abuse. Calls womens aid and start making a plan to leave. This guy is extremely abusive and you need to get yourself and your babies out safely. He will tell you anything to get you to stay and continue to be abused, this is what they do.

Wales have a restriction. I can not afford to have him call the police and have me done for not following.

I live in South Wales and have been travelling well over 5 miles to get my kids to and from their fathers every week. Apart from one occasion I've not seen a police car on the roads and they aren't routinely stopping people. If you can go, just do it. In the unlikely event you get stopped, tell them you're fleeing domestic abuse. You ARE allowed to travel for that.

Do either of these websites have anything useful for you? They may not cover your area but the police one may reassure you that you can leave. Your partner is telling you that you can't just so he can make you stay.

Be in no doubt that he is foul and his behaviour is abusive. He sounds very dangerous. He will not change.

www.south-wales.police.uk/en/south-wales-police-response-to-the-coronavirus-pandemic/you-are-not-alone-domestic-abuse/

businessnewswales.com/gwent-law-firm-offers-free-domestic-abuse-advice-during-lockdown/

There are two website links there. Sorry, for some reason they posted next to each other on the app!

You are definitely being abused. This is horrible. If my partner doesn't like my food he eats it anyway cos he's polite, doesn't throw it at my face. He never calls me names or acts suspicious if I'm out because he trusts me. If I'm being too slow, he helps me or goes on facebook and gets out of my way.

I grew up in a house full of anger and abuse and when you're used to it you see it as normal. Please save your children from accepting this as normal. Start thinking about getting away. It can be done. Best of luck OP

Of course this is abuse.
This is domestic violence and coercive control.

You call police and report the abuse and bruises.
You speak to dv support and get out . There are allowances for people to escape dv.
You must report bruises to gp and police and get them recorded.