Ok, it's abuse. Aiming to be strong.

[plantlife]

I didn't know what to call the new thread. I don't want to be attention seeking. I think if it had my username more people might look thinking it's something else, maybe about plants. So I kept it off the title.

I know it's annoying to need a new thread. I genuinely thought I'd have left when I started the first one.

I don't know if I need much more posts but I think my old thread stops at page 40 so if people don't mind, I can vent and express my fears here. I hope to leave well before this thread gets to long. Thank you again so much for all the kindness and support. I should go to bed and try to take action tomorrow instead of being too scared to do anything.

I didn't see your previous thread but I hope you find the courage to take action today.

Thank you. I'm about to call the helpline. I'm so nervous but feel a bit stronger today. Thank you.

How did you get on - were the helpline able to support you in finding somewhere safe to go?

Thanks for thinking of me. I couldn't get through to the national helpline so spoke to my local.one. They gave me some numbers but all the places were gone. The last place I spoke to was so nice. Their place had gone several days ago but they were going to give me more up to date place numbers. My phone cut me off. I've been having problems with it. He's home soon so I'll just have to get through tonight and try tomorrow. It's harder staying strong when he's around but I have to try.

Everything crossed that they'll find a place for you tomorrow. You have made the difficult step of calling them now which is a barrier overcome and it might not be so difficult to make the call again tomorrow now you have done it once. I hope you can stay safe tonight .

Thank you so much.

I'm glad to see you started a new thread! Wishing you the best of luck.

Could you link to the old thread?

It’s not annoying at all. I’m so glad you have started a new thread. And YES it is abuse and you deserve so much better.

Hi @plantlife - just checking in.

I didn’t want to scare you, but I think it’s a real possibility that he may In time have to self isolate, and so, therefore, would you. Then you have the scenario of you either being damaged emotionally, physically or getting the blinking virus. Neither option is good!

Concentrate on the helplines that have the ability to help you. When does your OH work? I’m concerned that your ‘day’ starts and finishes quite late. It must limit the time you can make calls.

I think you are doing brilliantly. The more bad behaviour he shows, the more the fire in your belly grows. Try and act a bit more sad/depressed than you feel. You don’t want him thinking you’re heading out of the relationship.

Once you are out, I think you’ll find a LOT of your health related problems will disappear.

I am also glad to see your new thread. Best wishes!

Thank you everyone. He's being really nice again. It's hard. I'll try to keep going at things. I think I also need to try to stop panicking. I end up not getting anywhere and I also don't want to trust the wrong people. I'm still scared and also scared he'll get I'll even if I'm ok. I can't help worrying about him. I can't make him take more care though. He still smokes too (not in the home). I do need to sort my sleep pattern out. I'm losing mornings. I'm going to try to get to bed now. Earlier than usual for me. I'm tired a lot but it's my health, I think.

Sorry, I wasn't sure if I should link the old one. I think I've done it right.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/other_subjects/3685571-is-this-abuse?pg=1&order=

I hope you have a good night's sleep Plantlife, hope you can start working on a plan
all the best 💐

Hope you did sleep well.
He’s being nice as part of the cycle of abuse. You are not responsible for him or his health. You are responsible for getting yourself out before he does try and kill you. Better to trust someone outside the situation than risk that. HE’S the danger.

Hi @Plantlife

I’m glad to see you’ve made another thread. Make this one the one where you bring news that you’re out.

Fuck corona virus. Corona virus hasn’t expressed a desire to kill you, he has.

We’ll be into spring soon. Let this be the spring you remember for all the right reasons.

Time to get your socks pulled up.

Sorry I'm really upset and stressed again. I feel awful to let you down by coming here again. Hopefully things will be sorted, hopefully venting here will help, hopefully I'll be strong again.

Just had another battle coming up and I don't know how to deal with it all. I wish I never needed to deal with a doctor again. I certainly can't turn to one for help. I'm relying on nothing going wrong with the national helpline now as there nowhere else for me. Sorry for rambling. Had my GP appointment. She's off sick (I really hope she's ok as she's such a lovely kind understanding patient centered doctor). The replacement one didn't seem to understand or care about my situation. She was focused solely on forcing me to come down from my pain medication quicker than planned. In case you all think relying on drugs to get through this, I'm not. The other GP understood I needed to do it at my own pace and under my control. I'm not superhuman and can't do a more brutal withdrawal - and even try to leave him at the same time. I also wanted to prioritise leaning the flat for fresh air. Anyway sorry rambling. GP last week must've forgotten to do the prescription as nothing was done. The one today will do it but wants me to get or weekly. I have it delivered and with possible delays especially with the virus, I'm going to be worrying almost everyday. The other GP reassured me and now it's taking all my time again.

Sorry. Venting. Not explaining properly. I can't stop thinking and worrying about this now. I wanted to try to go out today but feeling so stressed. Everything with him is do up in the air, my virus fears, I don't know how to deal with additional worries.

Suffice to say I didn't get to discuss the situation with him with the locum GP. I tried actually but she didn't seem to care. I'm now glad I didn't tell the other (nice) on more as I don't want that on my records.

I'm not making sense and stupid long waffles. Sorry. What I'm trying to say (to myself as much as anyone else) is I can resolve the medication issue. I'll put things in writing, my previous consultation was recorded so there's evidence, I'll hopefully get to speak to the nice GP again. But it's the time and mental stress/energy it's taking. I'm focusing on that today instead of my baby steps. I was up earlier than I've been in ages. I planned to go outside. Just a little walk, then call the nice DV place. My confidence has gone now. I don't want extra worries. I'm upset as I was working with the doctor. I was tapering off - but at my pace and in my control. I'm sorry, I just feel so worn down. I want to still try to go outdoors today but I feel like crying. Sorry.

How can I possibly even think about trying to leave if I'm constantly on the verge of running out of medication? It takes about a week to come from the pharmacy as it's delivered. Sorry. I'm upset because last week the doctor told me to ask for help if I needed it. The one today didn't seem to understand or care about my situation. She barely listened to me, refused to believe me about what was agreed at the last consultation last week. I don't want to trust doctors agsin. She reassured me last week.

I felt so ashamed saying anything last week about him. I'm now very glad I didn't say more. Sorry for rambled venting. I'll try to calm down. I know it's psychological now, the not getting outside. I really needed to feel strong and confident to do it. I also can't make calls to try to leave. I admit I have no idea if I'd have the guts to go through with leaving. But I felt stronger the past few days. I got up earlier today for first time in so long. I was making progress? I can't do anymore now with the medicine thing hanging over me. I've lost my confidence, which I need to go outside, and to make DV calls. I wanted to call earlier than yesterday before places went. I. I can't leave now with no medication. I know it sounds like excuses but please understand. I was trying today. I felt hopeful and strong when I got up..

Hi Plantlife, it sounds difficult and confusing with the doctor's and the medication

Is there anything that you can do indoors like a bit of exercise or a bit of yoga, some breathing exercises, some kind of physical practice or ritual to focus on and calm you down?

I'm sorry. I'd confuse myself. My posts are so rambling. It's all the stress pouring out.

I'm on pain medication My health conditio had flared up badly. Under control now and I was slowly tapering off but needed to feel in control. GP understood and reassured me last week. My condition is rare. Most doctors don't haveto taper off the codeine. She reassured me it would be slow and at my pace. Prescription wasn't done for some reason. She's now off sick. Actually I think I'd cope with stopping even abruptly. But not as well as dealing with situation with him, and trying to baby step myself to go outside. I was housebound for months when condition flared up. Made lose confidence and now hard to go outdoors. Also shame about the neighbours as they've heard so much.

Anyway sorry. I feel like giving up. I was feeling proud of myself. I got to bed and up early for first time in ages. Planned to.gey outside. It feels like I can't win. If I go out, I'll miss GP call. Waiting for callback. But only reason I wanted the medication sorted was so I could be free to focus on everything else. Now I can't. I stay in all day and sort the medication. But only needed to sort it in order to go out and deal with trying to leave him. So feels pointless. Sorry. Sorry for rambling. I don't know what to do. I want to try to go outside but I need to wait for GP call.

I only wanted GP stuff sorted so I had all my focus free for everything else. It feels like chances to leave are passing me by.

I feel like giving up
No don't give up, but it's ok to rest for a while, gather your strength for a bit.
Getting to bed early and getting up early is good, you can do that again and make it into a routine that you can build on

Ive been trying to do exercises and breathing exercise indoors. But I feel like a caged animal. I've been indoors so much for so long. It's a small flat also. I'm scared as I needed to call refuges early in the day really to have a good chance of a place. Also whilst I feel strong enough to do it. I feel my confidence has gone. I can't really do anything as I'm waiting for GP call. I can't relax in case I miss it. How can I focus on anything else. It's time I shouldn't really waste.

I'd planned to speak about the situation with him with GP today. The one today just didn't seem to understand or care so I'm not going to go the GP route for help. I can't help worrying today was my best chance to try to leave. I know some women have to leave with nothing. I was hoping to at least have my medication. So many people I see turn to their GP for help leaving abuse. Doctors have made things worse. It's worn me down. It defeats the purpose of it. I'm tapering off rather than abruptly stopping because I want/need to focus on him, going outside. Now I'm focusing on the medication.

I've spent so long indoors worrying and being scared but taking no action. Nothing will change if I don't do something. But now I'm stuck in yet again. I'm scared of wasting today but can't try to go outside or call DV charity. I'm on edge waiting for GP callback and my confidence gone. Humiliating as NDN is in. There's no separation here between flats. I'm so ashamed anyway and now they've heard my private medication issues.

On a big plus side, I'm very glad I didn't email them. My usual GP is wonderful but I can't risk trusting the rest. I really hope she's ok. She's so nice. I hope she hasn't caught the virus. I should think positively. It's lucky I know they're not people to turn to before I sent this thread or an edited email version. There's no way I'm trusting them with this.

To try to summarise. It's not the medication issue itself that's the problem. It can be sorted - just time-consuming and I haven't really time to keep wasting. But it's the lack of support and understanding just in general that's the problem. It felt good thinking I had GP support. It's so hard dealingg with this on my own. I'm immensely grateful to you all here. With the lack of RL support, you've all been beyond wonderful and kind. Thank you.

I struggle to articulate it especially without rambling. But it's the way RL support messed up so easily. That's a major barrier to me leaving. I feel very vulnerable. I can sort out today's issue but it's reminded me how little RL support there often is. Services are stretched, not all professionals (GP, DV worker, etc) aregood at what they do. The helplessness of it all. If I was in a refuge and had no money and no way of fighting my corner, I'd be in serious trouble.

The medication, I can sort. I've found a private (legal) source. It's just I've now lost confidence and wasted time. I also feel less supported. I know I've had amazing support here. I should be grateful. It's a million time better than the RL "support". Thank you very much.

Of course the new GP didn’t know the details of your previous consultations and wanted to get you off codeine. That’s not surprising. Just keep tapering off as agreed and you will be off it eventually anyway.
No one can solve this for you. You either need to get to viewing and trust your GP or stay where you are.
You seem to have a real dose of health anxiety. It’s highly unlikely there’s anything seriously wrong with your normal GP. Virus or. Otherwise.
You are displacing the worry to avoid having to deal with the real issue. Getting out.
You need to do the freedom programme.
You need to get some fresh air.
You need to find somewhere else to live.
Focus on these things.

@plantlife

Well Done for getting back on track with your waking and sleeping hours; I think that will stand you in good stead. (So thats ONE thing you've achieved... stop putting yourself down :) )

I'm going to guess this next bit, so hope I'm sort of right...

Regardless of the good sympathetic doctor - or the less sympathetic locum - I think you are not being very straight with them.

You have two problems:

1. Your health and medication
2. Your domestic set up

You are happy to discuss with them about your medical condition, but not able to tell them much about the violence you experience, or the expectation of violence that exists at home.

Until you tell them honestly and graphically what is happening, I really don't think they're going to be able to guess. I understand the shame you feel, but honestly (from the bottom of my heart) people WILL believe you - and WILL help you.

I just can't believe these professionals aren't picking up on your situation unless you've told them honestly, rather than alluded to something . Please just send them your last thread. That has so much on it... enough for anyone to understand.

Ditch the shame you feel, and try being totally honest. You write so well, surely you could print out or email the link to the surgery and ask someone to call you when they've read it.