Do wimpy kids anno yyuo

[Mud]

stuck in park today, in cafe
woman and 6 year old boy in long shorts and t-shirt like ever y other kid there
boy shirieking at top of his voice about being cold and theyu should shut the doors - ear-piercing and sobbing mother cuddling and explaining, he calms down and then starts up aain - so loud - so verly loud

I totally agree about the emotional black hole thing (have recently had to detach myself from someone who was just an unending thankless devouring vortex of need), but I couldn't apply that to a child, personally. Children are supposed to be needy. IMO they attain independence and security through having their needs met adequately and consistency, not by being told to pull themselves together.

OK. I see that. Children are different. But is there no situation where you would feel happy about asking a child to 'pull itself together'? Slugs for example - my littlest hates slugs. If he sees any on on the patio he won't play in the garden - short of going round the entire garden removing slugs there isn't much I can do apart from remove the one he can see, laugh him out of it and encourage him to go and play.

I feel very sympathetic towards "genuine" wimpiness - for instance a child that is really scared of heights/planes/rollercoasters or is too scared to try a climbing wall or whatever.

I hate, loathe and detest whingeing (as in the OP) and all other forms of brattiness.

I AM a wimpy kid [huff]

Well, I feel like that about maggots. If I went out onto the patio and saw some, I would be out of there quicker than Concorder, probably in tears and shaking. What's the point of saying "Oh, pull yourself together"? It doesn't work, it doesn't make the child's needs/feelings disappear. It just belittles them and encourages the child to suppress them. IMO.

And of course I snap at my kids and say things to them that are less than brilliant, Mary Poppins I ain't. But I thought we were discussing what the right way to approach a child's sensitivities is(I won't say wimp, because it's horrible).

But what would you do? Being that slugs are a fact of life and he's the one missing out on playing in the garden.

Move them, probably. I would deal with each slu-related incident as it presented itself, try to be reassuring and breezy, etc. I wouldn't throw up my arms in horror and feed the anxiety, but I wouldn't say "Oh, pull yourself together" either.

Re. the slug thing, I might get him a bug viewer and a book about garden minibeasts, or something. My dad helped me learn to tolerate slugs (they are pretty foul IMO) by showing me snails, which I found more approachable, and explaining the similarities.

Yes. They all love snails. DS#2 and DD collect them and release them into the wild in the park (to stop them being murdered by me ). But slugs don't have the same appeal. I do remove the nearest ones but clearing the whole garden of slugs isn't really feasible.

I think that being reassuring and breezy is probably what I mean by saying 'pull yourself together'.IE it's fine to be scared but there's really nothing to be scared of.

Hmm, maybe it's semantics but I don't think "pull yourself together" is reassuring and breezy. When I say reassuring and breezy I mean something more like "OK, lets hold hands and have a look at them together, I promise you won't have to touch them but lets just say hello, look, he's waving his antennae at you!", withdraw and cuddle if he becomes really hysterical, burble a bit about slugs being snails who have lost their shells, maybe a write a little story about it together.

I am bonkers, I know

but the thread title is horrible and callous, so I suppose I am reacting to that sort of "pull yourself together" mentality. I just don't think children's fears are ever resolved by being told to stop snivelling and grow up, or however else people phrase it. It just teaches them that their feelings are worthless and the best thing to do is bury them.

yes!

we went to a party when we were littel and a wimpy kid was there annoying us all, so he appeared in the pond about 20 mins after he arrived, no one knows if he jumped or was pushed!

No 'pull yourself together' isn't reassuring. I'd resent it as an adult TBH. But I think it is a question of semantics as you say. I think of reassuring and breezy as the opposite of cuddling, weeping in sympathy and in everyway reinforcing the child's fears. Acknowledge the fear and then do your best to remove it would be the sensible compromise.

aaargh, I don't equate a cuddle with weeping in sympathy at all - I can't think of anything more reassuring than a cuddle, some words of reassurance in a gentle calm voice, then another attempt at approaching the object of fear. A fearful child needs supporting and reassuring to overcome the fear, not to be given the message that it's a silly fear and he is being a sissy.

Maybe it is semantics. To me quite a few posters on this thread seem to be advocating the "just chuck em' in the deep end, they'll swim!" philosophy. Which does more harm than good IMO.

"Needy" has a somewhat negative connotation though, doesnt it?

All children have needs, and until such time (usually when the law dictates ) that they can effect their own requirements, then the parents should fulfill that for them.

I think, ultimately, balance is required.

The phobias or fears is a good example of that. Whilst it is not a good idea to say "pull yourself together" etc, I think that gradual, and supported exposure to something that a child is (irrationally) fearful of is more of a benefit than to continuously cushion or accommodate it.

That is to say, if faced with, say a spider, that terrifies a child, then yes, reassure them, but show them that they are safe. Gradually over time get closer to spiders when confronted. Pick one up, whilst keeping a distance from the child etc. Spiders are an almost every day sighting in this country, if you live in an average house/flat, and particularly if you have a garden. The likelihood of being confronted by their fears on a very regular basis is quite high. Ultimately, the effect it could have on their quality of life could be quite dramatic.

However, if someone had a phobia of sharks, for example. Then I dont think it really needs dealing with, except to make sure you never flick the tv on when Jaws is on

as we all know greeny children are different

some children respond extremely well to the matter of fact approach .. in fact most children of my acquaintance tend to, although patently not all

some children respond well to being totally ignored when expressing 'fear' of things like slugs and snails whilst you get on playing with them with other kids they edge forwards and gradually take part on their own terms

some children express a learned 'fear' .. if I act scared I get loads of attention which is probably at the root of everybody's exasperation

some children really are scared and need more reassurance

the thing is knowing what kind of child you are dealing with ...