I think I need therapy or something.....I'm driving myself nuts

[nutcracker]

Or a life coach or somebody like that.

I cannot make a desicion about my future to save my life.
I chop and change my mind about several things about 10 times a day, and usually have a headache by lunch time cos of it.

This is a typical conversation that I have with myself in my head.

Right I will go back to college, I really do want to BUT do I ?? Am i just doing it cos i think others think i should ??? No i'm, noti'm doing it for me and my family, or am I.
I want another baby, definatly, well maybe. No i really do, but people won't like it. Oh who cares, well I do , i hate it when people are cross with me. Yes right we'll have another, well we m ight. Or am i going to go back to college.

Are you getting the picture yet ???

I ended up crying myself to sleep last night cos i just don't know what to do. I'm not even cinfident in any descion that I make, when i eventually make one.

Am i going mad ??

nope, don't think you are going mad, but wonder if you might be a touch depressed - feeling unable to make decisions is one of the symptoms I am afraid. Also sounds like you are lacking self-confidence - like you are trying to please everyone and like you don't have faith in you to make the right decision. First port of call would I think be the GP - they can refer you to counselling and/or therapy. To get therapy on the NHS expect a waiting list as long as your arm tho. It shouldn't be too hard to get referred for counselling tho. Alternatively you might find it useful to go to your local careers service to talk through the job/college thing.

In terms of feeling down/depressed - other than obvious medicalised solutions - counselling and/or ADS, the more general holistic things to help yourself are: eating and sleeping well and regularly, regular exercise, yoga/relaxation, getting a break, getting a chance to socialise.
Some people also find St John's Wort useful for depression - I tend to believe tho that if you feel bad enough to self medicate, it's best to go to the docs at that point.

HTH

I did wonder that MTS and you could be right. I think I expected all of my probs to dissapear when we moved here, and obviously that wasn't going to happen.

You are right about the confidence thing, as basically i don't have any really. I was quite shy at school, a bit better when i left school and now seem to have gone backwards again.

I'm always to bothered about doing what I think i should be doing rather than what i'd like to do, and i'm to bothered by what others think of me.

I think I may try the St johns Wort as i do really want to avoid Ad's if poss. My g.p is a bit drippy so she's probably not much use.

I feel so out of control, and like i'm suddenly going to be 10 yrs older and have loads of regretts about what i have and haven't done.

oh my god nutcracker we are twins! i'm doing this all the time at the moment: should i go back to college/should we have another baby/should i be sahm until ds is at nursery/should i put him into childminder so i can go back to college!!!!

etc etc

it's awful. reading between the lines of your post it sounds to me as if maybe you want to have another baby????? (am i going back to college for other people/what they think of me...people won't like me having another baby)

what does your dp think (have you got a dp??? i'm sorry i'm not up on this and don't want to make assumptions!)

x

My dp is a typical bloke and has said that what ever i want to do is fine with him.
We did sort of try for a baby last mth but i didn't get pregnant and he seemed quite dissapointed.

I suppose if someone said to me that i had 2 minutes to make a desicion and i couldn't change my mind, then i'd say i'll have another baby.
I'd just worry myself stupid after that.

I know i shouldn't be so bothered by what others think, but I just cannot help it.

I did think that a solution may be to do an OU course instead of going back to college and then that still gives me the freedom to decide about a baby too. Even that didn't settle me though.

I find it so tiring examining every though i have all day. Do you Sophable ??

oh yes. yes yes yes. and of hearing the words: you can think too much you know. and: stop analysing everything.

and i'm a trainee psychotherapist!!!!

but i've always been like this.

i think i need to learn to meditate.

i think (and i'm thinking aloud here, ) that maybe I (and maybe you) do this because we don't feel able to just come out and say what we want. my dh is always saying that i need to 'own' responsibility for what i want more: i'm always trying to get what i want without saying what i want in case he doesn't want it (argh, welcome to my brain fried world nutcracker)...

does this make any sense at all????

x

do you feel guilty for not earning money?

i do

He he, yes it makes perfect sense to me.

God we are a right pair aren't we

I don't really feel guilty for not earning money but I do think that people think I had my kids to get out of having to work.
I had Dd1 at 19 and before that had only worked part time in a hotel.
After having Dd1 I worked part time as a cleaner and then a childminder, and then had Dd2.
I now have Ds also and haven't worked for ages.

I would love to be a nurse BUT I know I wouldd hate certain parts of it ie shifts, not seeing the kids whenever i liked e.t.c..
I like being at home with my kids. Yes they do sometimes drive me mad but I want to see them grow up.
I am only 26 and I know that I could easily fit in having another child and a career, but I'm scared of making the worng desicon i suppose.

I think far to much about what I should be , could be doing, or what i should or shouldn't have done instead of just taking life as it comes and enjoying it.

Nutcracker, I spent at least 6 years agonising EVERY DAY over whether or not to have a baby. I had a lot of internal "messages" that it was not a good idea - my mum had always told me not to have a child as they "ruin your life" (!), and it was a huge struggle trying to break free of that kind of conditioning. Also suffered very low confidence, and part of me just didn't believe I'd be any good at it. I ended up going for career counselling as I was equally stuck in a rut at work, and within about 10 minutes of the first session was sobbing that I thought I wanted a baby! The counsellor suggested I needed specific counselling on the issues around making that decision - I went to see someone and she broke my deadlock by telling me that not every decision has to be a "thinking", ie rational one - it is perfectly OK to do something for emotional reasons. That was a huge revelation - I had spent years doing for and against lists, trying to find good reasons to justify my decision, and suddenly I was freed to admit that I just wanted a baby. I didn't know exactly why, I certainly didn't know if I'd be any good at it, but it was such a relief to admit it to myself.

Thats what it was like for me -for you it may be different issues. Following your heart is fine, but it is also important to give some space to what the doubting part of you is saying. A decision doesn't always have to exclude other options after all - even if you have another baby you could still give some thought to the other things in life that you might find fulfilling.

Hope this hasn't been too rambly.

ok: in an ideal world where you were able to do/be anything at all what would you do for the next year?

merrygoround you are so right about emotional reasons for decisions.

nutty why can't you have both - start at college and keep trying for a baby - that way you are out and about being you , stillsee the children and still try foe a baby and then decide what needs to be done later whn you are pregnant.

cause college costs money and takes commitment??

Merrygoround - You are so very right about emotional reasons for desicions. I always feel like i have to think in terms of practicality and everything else, but never emtions.
Very good point that is.

O.k in an ideal world i'd have another baby.
In my world where i make for and against lists the baby idea is a terrible one.

Nice to know i'm not the only one like this though i can tell you.

So Sophable how about you ? In and ideal world what would you do ??

Gothicmama - I couldn't really start college and then try for a baby as my pregnancies are usually problamatic and i'd spend more time at the hospital than i would at college .

Sophable - it does take some organising but can be done most courses have grants for child care and you can get fees paid for and grants for transport and books etc. It does n't have to cost I am starting a new course now whilst trying for a baby if you want both you can do it

merrygoround, what a good post. i think that's a good perspective that we don't always let ourselves think like.

Nutcracker, why don't you give in to your self, have a baby and enjoy it without feeling guilty but get a place at college that yu can defer for 1 or 2 years. I have rushed everything to do with babies and jobs always feeling i should be doing the other one or that i'm getting left behind with one side of life. But i was only young like you when i had my first baby, and now i am realising that even when you are, say 30, you still have thirty years of worklife left which is a long time. So if another baby is what you really want then you can still make a definite decision that you are going to be a nurse but just know that you will start training in a couple of years. can you do the course part time? Or could you do the access course (is that the one you were doing?) whilst getting /being pregnant then have a break with baby before starting your nursing training. see i'm just as bad as you and am always thinkning of so many options. starting college woul let you see whether when you are really busy with something new you stilll wanted a baby. then you would know it was what you really wanted and plan a break in your training to have baby.

Nutty I can't think of anything else to say then just hope you can look inside you and make the choice that is in your heart I think you already know what it is and just need permission to go and do it - Just do what you want

O.k, how does this ound for a desicion (not promising i'll stick to it mind )

I will not go back to college but instead apply to do an OU course. I will also have driving lessons. When i have passed my test I will try for another baby and be happy about it.

That sounds quite thought out and composed but the whole of that terrifies me.
I really should have driving lessons before having another baby though as I know i would struggle otherwise.
Plus we'd need the xtra yr to save for a bigger car .

Is this making any sense, i feel like i'm talking mush.

What exactly terrifies you? I think it is really important to identify your fears so that you can then break them down into smaller bits which are more manageable.

PS It did sound composed and well thought out! And why not? Do you have a self image that says you are scatty and all over the place?

nutcracker that sounds like a great plan. some short term goals but your big emotional want is in there too.

merrygoround is right about identifying your fears.

my fear is that my emotional want to have a baby is a way of avoiding confronting my self-esteem issues with regard to my stalled career.

but i shall start a (v boring) thread about this rather than highjacking yours!

Yeah I do think i'm all over the place Merrygoround, part of my low self esteem/self confidence probs i suppose.

I am scared of having another baby because I would be having a 4th section and I have probs with anti bodies which would affect my pregnancy to varying degrees.
I have mentioned both of these things to Mears who said that 4th sections are quite commen now and thet the anti body prob is treatable, but i'm still worried.
and I am bothered by the fact that people, including friends and family will not be happy about it, too bothered.

How old are you Sophable ??

32

So you also have loads of time then really.

yes, but can't face going back to college and then starting all over again with number 2 iyswim