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Original poster

Is this a form of rape?

45 replies

notsure · 15/08/2004 10:31

I am sorry if I have put this is the wrong thread, but I am not too sure of where to put it.

Is this situation a form of rape? The woman is asleep and the man takes advantage of her. The woman knows the man, but is not interested in him or wanting a relationship. She woke up, and was in shock. The man said he had thought she was awake.

Sorry if it is too vague, but I would really appreciate people's opinions.

OP posts:
tigermoth · 15/08/2004 11:57

notsure, you say (quote) 'the man said he had thought she was awake'

Was the man sure the woman had given consent, then? As stripymouse says, I think it's a matter of perceived consent. Being perceived awake is not enough.

tigermoth · 15/08/2004 11:58

If he was meant to be sleeping on the couch, then very dodgy.

Original poster
notsure · 15/08/2004 12:05

she had been talking to him before she went to bed. but she said that they were just talking about the problems with him and his girlfriend

OP posts:
tigermoth · 15/08/2004 12:11

After the talking, do you think he felt had got close to her then?

tigermoth · 15/08/2004 12:12

do you think he mistook her sympathy for more...

MummyToSteven · 15/08/2004 12:15

tigermoth - but how is that relevant. feeling close is a very different thing to assuming that your sexual advances will be reciprocated and not making things crystal clear before attempting sex

essbee · 15/08/2004 12:19

Message withdrawn

tigermoth · 15/08/2004 12:19

oh I agree with you, m2s, just trying to get the full picture if notsure wants to talk about it.

StripyMouse · 15/08/2004 12:23

notsure - with the new info you have told us it sounds like he has taken advantage of a friends hospitality and totally abused that friendship and trust in the worst possible way. It was hardly a situation of two intimate friends get together that ends up cuddling platonically in bed and being misconstrued. On the face of it, it sounds like attempted rape to me. Sure, he is probably going through a hard time with his own relationship and jumped at the chance of a little bit of comfort and intimacy but lets get real here. It sounds like it was all about his own urges and pure sex rather than a friendship grown into something else. I think she should be considering her options carefully and perhaps write down everything that was said and done so that it says clear in her mind for possible future reference. If she does want to follow it up, then sooner rather than later seems sensible.
Just wondering notsure - what is your honest response to all this? I don?t want to embarrass you, but if you are talking about yourself rather than a friend, are you ok, do you have anyone around you right now to talk this through in person face to face over a coffee? Sounds like she or you could do with a bit of real company right now. Regardless of the theoretical classification of rape or assualt or whatever, it sounds like a horrible thing to go through and would shake anyone up. hugs xx

tigermoth · 15/08/2004 12:28

another thing, how did the man react when she woke up? was he shocked too? concerned? did he make a quick exit from the home?

Or(worrying to think of) is he still there at the moment? Is that making the situation more confusing?

Original poster
notsure · 15/08/2004 12:49

tigermoth - he seemed confused and a little shocked. but he had to go to work so they havent talked.

stripymouse - i was shocked to hear it, and i did think that it was rape but wanted to double check. oh and it is a friend, she has her friends round and her sister that shes confided in. She hasnt spoken to him since it happened. But he has tried to contact her. It seems quite out of character on his behalf as I do know him. Shes quite confused on what she should do.

OP posts:
popsycal · 15/08/2004 18:23

I would say definitely yes

Bibiboo · 15/08/2004 21:26

I would say from what you're told us notsure, he took advantage of her sexually, and yes, that is rape.
Just because he was a friend, it was "out of character" for him, or that he "thought" she was consenting/awake doesn't make it right: in fact it makes it worse. Him being a supposed friend makes it much worse to accept that he could abuse a friendship like that and put his friend through this, than if he had no emotional/ friendship links to her previously.
I hope your friend has all the support she needs to get throught it and that this man is thoroughly disgusted with himself for doing this. Keep us posted x

MeanBean · 15/08/2004 21:41

Yes.
It's rape.

FairyMum · 15/08/2004 22:09

Yes it is rape.

hatter · 15/08/2004 22:42

If your friend is unsure how to handle this situation she could try speaking to a professional. Can't do links but www.rapecrisis.org.uk has information and regional helplines

tigermoth · 16/08/2004 07:23

Of course, speaking to a professional in confidence does not mean your friend has to press charges for rape. Does your friend fully realise that? Also speaking to a professional could help her sort out her feelings. She might need to feel she is totoally justified in calling it rape before she can move on. She might need to let out all her anger, even if she decides not to press charges.

It does sound like rape to me and I hope the man is not still sleeping in the same house as her.

StripyMouse · 16/08/2004 08:33

Totally agree with Tigermoths last comment.

MummyToSteven · 16/08/2004 08:33

agree with Tigermoth

aloha · 16/08/2004 09:46

Yes it is rape, legally and morally. Having sex with someone against their will and without their consent is not a trivial matter. A woman can catch an uncurable STD or even get pregnant, depending on how far things went. Frankly, I doubt very much if it would go to court as there would be little realistic prospect of a conviction as 'friend' or not he would probably lie his way out of it. But as Tigermoth says, she can talk to any of the agencies - rape crisis, victim support etc - without having to contact the police. I really think this man should not be allowed in their house again, not even to collect his stuff. No wonder the bastard's having 'problems' with his girlfriend. It seems she has seen sense and thrown him out.

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