SAHMs...would you encourage your daughters to SAHM or WOHM ?

[mozhe]

I ask out of genuine interest....people have often said to me that I became a committed WOHM because I had such a strong model in my own mother....and I would certainly be very disappointed if one of my own daughters chose to be a SAHM.
SAHMs what do you think ? And why ?

Perhaps I should make clear that I am not saying there is a right or an easy way to be a mum. Anyone who says there is is mad or wrong. There are many disadvantages to being a WOHM and I am happy to discuss these without feeling threatened or going on the attack. In fact, I can list a few of them myself:

1.) I was absolutely knackered when my kids were babies especially when I was breastfeeding them after working and through the night.

2.) There are times when my work has suffered. The time that my waters broke in the middle of a class comes to mind. Although I think this was for a limited period of time and I also think my work has benefited from my being a mother.

3.) I get bugger all time to myself.

4.) I feel guilty a lot even though now my kids are in school I couldn't do anything more for them than I already do and there's quite a lot I couldn't do.

I could go on...

But for me the advantages over-ride the disadvantages. I love my kids and love family life but also thrive on my paid work. Above all, I am aware that the period of time that my dds were pre-school (5 yrs) was relatively small in the grand scale of things and I wasn't prepared to give up an important part of myself potentially for ever for the sake of these few years nor would my kids have thanked me for it especially not if they had then had to go to bad schools, saw less of their father, had no university support etc as a consequence.

I can see why some of you might find my long-term approach to things a bit weird. I guess not many people worry about (or even consider) their pensions (unless they're about to retire) or how to fund their kids through school and university when they're in reception but I've met and read about too many people who regretted not thinking about these things earlier.

Thanks Bossy

my God! You would be disappointed if your daughter chose to be a SAHM? What, even if that was what she wanted to do and it made her HAPPY? Our children are not extensions of us, the vanity of some parents. My eldest DD (16) is as rebellious as i was at her age, messed up at school big time, wants to be a Tattoo artist and is battling through college because she would rather chase the boys! Yep - shes her mothers daughter, and whilst a get frustrated because i know she can do better i have to let her make her own way. One day she will buckle down and decide what it is she really wants to do with her life. If that is to marry a rich sugar daddy and become a lady wot lunches, well then that is her choice and i will love and respect her, whatever. I suspect however that she will find a goal and chase it, as i did. DD2, well she is only 2 and she obviously is going to be a doctor/lawyer/world leader, oh, just like i thought DD1 would be. Shit, not only am i a worthless stay at home mum, im not even very good at it as i can't turn out women worthy of the sisterhood.

Haven't had chance to read the thread yet but I do hope someone's already pointed out that sons should/do also have this decision to make...

Don't run yourself down so.....

don't patronise so.........i would have thought with all your psych traning you could recognise sarcasm when it is humping your leg like a rabid jack russel! (if you are not careful i shall go the other thread where i have just agreed with you and retract it (poking out tongue emoticon).

No patronising intended....but when folk say stuff like that,( even in ' jest '), it worries me....
I learnt that in the great university of life ....

oh yes, my dad always used to say that - may a true word said in jest! I have my "i'm a crap parent days, today i'm having a bloody shitty cold day have just told DD1 college tutor that he is a prick (well not in so many words, i prefer to be underhanded and subtle with my insults) and thank god she only has to put up with him for another 15 days. Why? because she is far to bright for the course she is on and is breezing through it with minimal effort and he thinks she should be working harder - i told him that she probably knows how much she has to do to get through and doesnt want to waste her time on work stuff when there are much more interesting things to do, like up dating her myspace profile on the Student union computors because she is banned from the internet at home. Yeah i know, nothing to do with the thread but you know what, i dont care so ner ner ner ner. Hmmm, i really shouldn't of had that second expresso!!! oh and heres another thing, yes, much younger siblings are the best contraceptive incentive in the world, DD1 now says she will NEVER EVER have children having seen how much work it is. Mohze, can i come and lay on your couch, only i think i have just said something in agreement with xenia. Oh, my head.

Sorry I never did the couch thing...but a lie down might be a good idea....and don't worry about agreeing with Xenia, she speaks a lot of sense imo !

but i do worry about these things....i worry about a lot of things, now stop messing with my head woman (can you see, im not really taking this thread seriously anymore, yeah yeah, i know, its denial)

Ah, denial.....it can be a very handy thing

mozhe I sometimes think you ARE Xeniua. But that's a whole other issue. Just thought I'd add - I'm NOT an SAHM. I am simply defending SAHMs in their choices.

This is such a fake distinction anyway. Everybody works. We work before we have children - sometimes for fifteen years or more. Then some of us (men and women) might take some time out - six months, a year, five years - we might dip in and out of the workplace, change direction, find new things to do. The idea that you spring from the womb a full formed SAHM or WOHM is just such nonsense.

I look around at my friends, one used to look after children, took time out for a while, helped set up a family business, then became a very successful property developer. Another took several years out of her accountancy career and is now back doing it part time. This is what real life is like, not this ridiculous division drawn for the purposes of stirring up an argument.

Quite happy for them to be mostly stay at home mothers. Wouldn't disappoint me in the least.

'I look around at my friends'. Perhaps this says it all Aloha. I take it you haven't got too many friends who had their first child at 15 having never got any qualifications and spent the rest of their life on the dole, or friends who left their paid work after their first child only to have their husband leave them for a younger woman 15 years later. You speak of your own experience Aloha and while many are in the fortunate position of choosing to take time out from successful careers this is hardly representative. It annoys me that people are trivialising such serious issues. Of course, people should and must make their own decisions but as I've said many people become SAHMS out of necessity not out of a quest for 'happiness'. Equally many women choose to become SAHMs for 'happiness' only to find themselves very unhappy later.

if my DH was earning enough to let us live the life we have with our 2 incomes I would love to be a SAHM. Work and careers aren't all they're cracked up to be. Everyone has to choose what works for them and not feel guilty about their choices because of what other people say.

Having said that one friend really annoys me as she says she has no time to do anything despite being a SAHM and putting DS into nursery 2 days a week.

Probably just jealousy on my part

Whatever she wanted, and whatever worked best for her and her DH. I would however encourage and support her in choosing a career or acquiring skills that meant she could always support herself if anything happened to her DP/DH or if their relationship faltered.

In fact, I'll be quite happy if they are happy to stay at home and only leave when they go to get married and never work for money at all.

whatever made her and her family happy would be right by me.

just like my mum was with me

No, I don't just speak from my own experience (and I asssume you know lots of these 15 year olds, if it is important to the argument). The statistics are very clear. The vast majority of women work. Mothers of under fives are least likely to be employed - 55% work, though this is misleading as single mothers are much less likely to be in employment, and the figure rises to around 70% in women in relationships. Around 80% of mothers of over 11s work, and guess what the figure for men working is also....80%.

As I said, a totally artificial argument based on a spurious premise.

le, I'm sure she'll be fin. Surely you just illustrate in a way part of the theme of the thread - our daughters are likely to turn out like most of us. It's obvious. A few might be different but on the whole children boringly emulate tehir parents and their examples which is probably if we roll forward 20 years mean that mzohe and my chidlren are having a fun time as doctors, in the City or whatever and others will be having a fun time doing whatever stay at home mothers think is fun and may be they'll all be happy but I suppose my point is we are an example and therefore it does matter if we work or not.

Xenia - again, I have to take you to task on your strange assumptions. Most SAHMs (Bree Van Der Kamp aside) don't continue to be SAHMs for the rest of their lives (ditto to P{/T workers). They do so while their children are young. Therefore, when we're all grandparents, I am pretty sure that I will have been back in the thick of the action as far as my career is concerned for some years, and hopefully be retired on a nice juicy pension (so that, as anathaema as may it be to you, I can spend some quality time with my grandkids...!!!)

;-)

I would encourage any child of mine to do what was best for them and what made them happy! I was a SAHM and still am in a way. I work 12 hours per week but that is 3 evenings 4 hours a time so am still there every day and most evenings. I am also studying full time for a degree but it is fully online using a vitual classroom and I fit is in whenever I can - mostly when the kids are in bed. IMO I have the best of all situations - lots of time with my children, a little bit of money coming in and prospects for a good career when my children are in school.