SAHMs...would you encourage your daughters to SAHM or WOHM ?

[mozhe]

I ask out of genuine interest....people have often said to me that I became a committed WOHM because I had such a strong model in my own mother....and I would certainly be very disappointed if one of my own daughters chose to be a SAHM.
SAHMs what do you think ? And why ?

..there is no choice that is perfect and neither suits everyone.

AT. conversely after a reasonably successful 13 year career my mother gave it up to have us all and used to moan on and on about things once she was becoming redundant when we were teenagers and very much resented my father's career.

What we want for our daughters presumably for most of us is for them to get a good education rather than finishing school, hooking a rich man. Secondly that they are healthy and have a broad range of interests.

Thirdly in my case I want them to know what they're getting into - if they would love to play in an orchestra or muck out horses for a living or whatever I want them to know what that means in terms of their future life and once they know that make a choice - but not to make uninformed choices. I don't want them later saying you never told me if I did X job I could then not have a choice about work and childcare because I'd be so poor. I want them to say I always knew that choice I took meant X but that doesn't matter I did what I felt I had to do.

Fourthly and may be this comes earlier on the list I don't want them to think babies are something you think about when you're nearly 40. They need to know there's a limited time for that and if children is part of what they want then they need to think about how they would organise that.

Xenia I agree with everything you have said in terms of what I hope my DD will be aware of. To be totally honest I probably would be disappointed if she never had a career, had babies very young and never did anything else. But I would not be disappointed at all if she had several years working hard and then made an informed choice (with no pressure from a DP) to stay at home with her kids.

There have been some great posts on this thread, in particular b&wcat...interesting that over 50% medical students are now female, and yet senior hospital consultants...especially in the more interesting/lucrative specialties..my theory about this is that it is definitely due to people taking too long out of their careers to stay at home after babies, and their perceived lack of commitment by going back part time. Instead of more/longer mat leave maybe we should be focusing on better/more affordable childcare and real flexible parental leave shared equally between the parents,( or maybe another member of the extended family like granny/grandpa ?,so that women don't feel they have to take months/years out of the workplace.
The other point that intrigues me is this notion of,' I only want them to be happy...', can people say more about what they mean by this..
lulumama- No, I definitely do not think being a parent is a job. It just isn't. I could expound on this as I think it is one of the biggest cons put out by some SAHMs...

No, being a parent is not a job. It's far, far more important than that.

Being a parent isn't a job. I don't see looking after children as my job. And I've said so often.

But looking after children can be a job can't it?

I mean mozhe, presumably looking after your children is someone's job?

xenia-well said,great post!

I would wncourage my daughter to take the path that makes her happy. if she wants to be a driven career woman iw ill do all i can to support that, if she wants to be a yummy mummy/hippy and play with her kids all day then brill, i will do all i can to help.

Haven't waded through this whole thread but the thing that always come through strongly from xenia/mozhe/b&wcat is they have a choice wrt childcare. If you're rich enough, you have a nanny or an au pair and suddenly the world doesn't seem such a highly pressurised place. For me to return to my pre-children career, I or DH would be biting our nails down to the quick every night relying on public transport to get us to the Afterschool club by 6pm.

Agree with Foxinsocks - I would encourage all my kids to have a career they can pursue anywhere and which lends itself to part-time/home working if possible. That way, they keep their choices open for as long as possible.

Yeah, mozhe.

When I said that I wanted my dds to do what made them happy and that I wouldn't mind either way, I didn't mean that I don't care if they fall into some of the 'black holes' that b&wcat outlined (single mum, depressed, ill, living on the breadline, no support, etc etc etc). Obviously those cases are different, and very sad, but I didn't think that that was what you were asking about.

I took your question to be about how I'd feel, if my dds had had roughly the same life choices that I'd had, but made different decisions from me, iyswim.

I accept that my dds are not me. I would no more be 'disappointed' in my dd if she became a SAHM than I would if she decided to study engineering (I am an Arts graduate!) or to become a plumber (I wish!), or if she got a cat (I'm a 'dog person'), or developed a liking for heavy metal, or whatever. Assuming she was an adult, I'd trust her to make her own decision.

You feel that you are committed to working because you had a strong model in your own mother. I didn't have that. But I am committed to my job (and, I hope, to my dds). I don't deny the influence of the mother figure, but we also have (or invent for ourselves) other role models if necessary.

My life has been shit, despite having what Brits consider every advantage. It's still a slog and as long as my child are grown by the time it comes I will welcome death.

If my daughter can have better by being a SAHM, more power to her.

If she can have better by being a SAHM, more power to her.

Do you realise how much of a luxury it is to even 'debate' this issue? Because it's such a non-issue in so many places.

FFS.

Get over yourselves.

ellbell you said everything I wanted to but could not be bothered to articulate.

I also would like to add that it will probably not be easy to accept or understand all of DD's decisions (for example if she decides to become very religious) but she is her own person so different from me already that I do not see what other choice really.

obviously like Xenia rightly said I hope to be able to be there to give her all the info necessary to help her make the right choice for her (one thing I for some reason did not get and had to do all by myself).

I just pray everyday that she will be as happy with her life as I have been/am every day of mine.

Artichoke, your post was interesting. What were your feelings about being in day care and after school care all your childhood? Do you do the same for your child now?

My oldest are at university and I think informaiton is a key issue. I have been into their schools for y4ears to career evenings and it's amazing how warped some girls' views of jobs and life are in their mid teens or they like X career because the person who explained it to them "seemed nice" and the bigger worry is they don't even know about a huge load of options. So as parents showing them what the options are is wise if we can.

Do I want them to be happy? Of course but sometimes parents know better than their children what will make them happy, it's part of being an adult. Most adults wish they could pass on to their children the benefit of their experience but they all have to learn things for themselves and I quite like seeing the innocence and enthusiasm and radicalism of youth. No one would want a child to be unhappy.

Perhaps we should analyse the incidence of depression comparing stay at home and working mothers and give our guidance on that basis......

Zog, we always only had a day nanny so one of us always had to rush back for 6 or 6.30 and it's never fair to make people stay late so we were very good at making sure we were on time. I think a full time day nanny if you have 3 under 5s is cheaper than 3 nursery places. It took up 50% of each of our net salaries. But if you then roll forward 22 years (my eldest is 22) the way this family has benefited from my keeping up my career which is one where you start on X and if you work hard and do well you end up on 10x X or whatever showed it was worthwhile and of course the sanity point too - some men and women just aren't suited to being home all day with small children and I think it's wise if they're prepared like me to admit it. It is not good for children or their parents if they are home when they aren't easily able to be a housewife.

I am a SAHM but planning to start self employed part time work in the next few months. If I have a daughter I will encourage her to do whatever makes her and her family happy. If she wanted to give up work to bring up children I would be happy if that she what she wanted to do but would advise her of the pitfalls and potential difficulties of getting into the workplace and suggest to her that she may want to consider some freelance part time work whilst the children are young. I suppose it depends on the career she chose, teaching and nursing I imagine are perhaps easier to get back into after a break than more male dominated professions.

I think there are more important things

e.g. Marrying/partnering the right sort of person who will encourage her to grow and develop as a person

I have very strong feelings about my own "status" as a part-time WOHM/SAHM but that is because I really enjoy the balance that I have. Whether that is right for someone else is up to them.

I'd just be there to support my daughters and help in any practical ways that I can.

Honestly, if my children are healthy and mentally balanced and happy I will be on fecking cloud 9 for the rest of my days. Everything else is dust.

Mind you if they were anti-breastfeeding I'd be giving them an earful

my mother was a wohm and yet here I am in my 4th year of sahm with no idea when I will go back to work.

as to my daughter's - whatever they want to be and whatever works for their family.

imo, i would not encourage either
i would let my child chose

Jalopy - as a young child I missed by Mum terribly and hated the fact she had to work. I also knew that she was sad that she missed me doing things. I remember when I was about 5 she really wanted to come on a school trip to a pantomime but could not at the last minute and I pretended not to care, then pretended I had not enjoyed it, all to save her feelings . However as I got older I benefitted from the fascinating friends she had through work and once I was in my teens I was really proud of what an interesting mother I had. By that point she worked away alot and I lived a couple of months each year with another family with a SAHM and 4 kids. It was a total contrast and I loved the fact that someone was always in when I got home but I would not have swapped by family for the other.

My DD is only 9 months. I started back at work 3 days a week last week. I am not sure how I will balance work and family as she grows (and we have more?) but I know I want a balance of both. I am luckier than my Mum in that I have a supportive and high earning partner - so I have more choices.

Families differ. Many still bring up daughters in a particular culture which sees them at 16 marrying (even in the UK). Others have a culture of no men around at home and early babies too. Others again bring up daughters to expect them to have interesting careers. I just think if you give them the choice and chance through a good school and encouragement to take on work they will enjoy and which will keep them then they have more choices.

I am a wohm adn have 2 dd's. I wouldn't mind whether my dd's were wohm and sahm as long as they were happy.

This is an interesting thread - I think we all have our hopes and dreams about what our children will/can acheive as adults and we want them to be 'better' than ourselves. However they are not here to gratify our notions that we are fantastic parents and role models - they are ultimately only themselves and will be responsible for their own decisions and mistakes as adults as we were - I will try not to be disappointed by choices that I do not agree with. but I know past the age of 21 I made life choices that suited me and did not think much about the future consequences - that is what it is too be young and why it is great to be young (as well as a nightmare!!) I have no desire to breed mini-middle-aged teens worrying about their pensions and careers when they should be out being feckless! I will instill them with knowledge and trust in their abilities and cross my fingers.

My mum was cnstrained in her life by being w/class and being labelled as factory fodder at 11 (way to go grammer school system!).Widowed in her early 40's she has yet to get bak to work having interupted a highflying career in childcare for m/class working mums to have her own kids. I really hope my dd has choices what she does wth them is up to her - I hope she finds a supportive partner with whom her life can happy and fruitfull and interesting...

My dh is very stable and responsible and left university with money in his pocket as he worked throughout - I left owing my firstborn to the bank!! So I think btwn us our children will have contrasting (and sometimes complementary) models to learn from and rebel against. My daughter I hope will be able to see the point in HE and want an interesting job - but I don't want to her to think that she can only be a valued member of society through being career focused and well-paid - some vocations pay in other ways than purely financially iyswim. If caring ft for her children is what she wants to do I will not be disappointed in her.