SAHMs...would you encourage your daughters to SAHM or WOHM ?

[mozhe]

I ask out of genuine interest....people have often said to me that I became a committed WOHM because I had such a strong model in my own mother....and I would certainly be very disappointed if one of my own daughters chose to be a SAHM.
SAHMs what do you think ? And why ?

I am NOT a SAHM. NOT by choice.

I would definitely encourage SAHMdom to my daughters.

Why only ask SAHMs? I am a WOHM with a mum who was a SAHM. My mother's life and my own are so different, that comparison is totally irrelevant.

I have had people say to me that I am setting my dds a positive example of what women can achieve by working full-time. I honestly don't know if I am. I am certainly setting them an example of multi-tasking (dd2 (4) said that when she grew up she wanted to be 'a vet and a teacher and a mummy'!!?), but whether that's positive or not only they can decide.

When/if they have kids of their own, I hope that they will make the decision that suits them best and makes them happy.

And I hope that they will not waste one iota of a second worrying about what I will think.

beckybrastraps makes a good point.

Wouldn't it be nice if, when our dds were old enough to be having families of their own, it was easy for every woman to take the maternity leave that she felt she needed and if, at the end of it, her employment prospects were not damaged by the fact of having taken it.

[idealistic emoticon]

If I had a daughter, I'd take the view that it was her life, her choice, and none of my business. Unless of course she was trying to talk me into looking after her children so they could be a WOHM, in which case I would have a right to some say in the matter.

I also think men are really important to this discussion and too often left out of it. In my own family, dp is as important to my children as I am and this was also the case for my own father. I mean as a hands on dad who is there for them and not just as a bread winner. We share earning and child-care equally so my dds are growing up believing that neither paid work nor childcare are gendered. I would no more expect to take total responsibility for childcare than expect dp to take total responsibility for earning or the other way around. For us that's important although I appreciate it's not desirable or possible for others.

I think the biggest influence on the whole SAHM/WOHM situation in the future will be that, as B&W cat says, it is likely that many more women will be earning more money than their partners. I think there will be far more Dads working part-time/being SAHD's and I think (hope) that the image of the Stay at home parent will be completely different.

Oh FFS
Get over it
Some women make different choices to you

I won't give a flying fuck whether my DD chooses to be a SAHM or a WOHM, but I hope fervently that she has a real, genuine choice about it, unlike most women of my generation.

I also hope it doesn't even occur to her that she is answerable for her choice to other chippy women.

being a sahm doesnt necessarily just mean sitting around letting your brain turn to mush, it means taking time out of a career to spend time with your children. if that what a person wants to do why shouldnt they (if their family finances will allow) this discussion seems to be feminism gone mad, wasnt the point that women can have choices, you cant then harass them for having made the wrong ones!

Yes, flexibility and good careers advice and life advice is crucial. My girls are both at university and we've always spoken a lot as have their friends about what particular careers mean in terms of what that means for your life and other options. Things where they can set up on their own in due course are good. Jobs where the money is good and you love the work too and the key issue for girls which I hope I have mentioned to them too that there is a deadline on those ovaries and you can't start thinking about having babies and meeting someone when you're 38 and if you do that in many cases means you will never have children.

fizzle, I don't think it's feminism gone mad on the threat at all if you read the posts.

What about a better plan for daughters? Hone their chances of marrying a rich man and then they get options a - d - you see that's where I would regard that as tantamount to .,...well anyway, I don't see why they can't earn their own money and support a stay at home father if they want a genetic parent at home.

Well from another perspective my mum was a SAHM and I could not and have not done that.

I so wish she had done something else when I was younger, had another direction/distraction other than parenting me, and moaning about washing/ironing/cooking....

My mum was the best kind of SAHM: she has a wealthy husband who absolutely adores her, even 43 years after their marriage.

As he said, 'I saw Martha, and I thought, 'Hubba! Hubba! Now there's a lady I'd like to dance with!'

Fizzle, obviously people are entitled to make their own choices. Nobody is harrassing anybody. My point is just that many women make the choice to become SAHMs without thinking of the consequences or being prepared (financially, emotionally whatever) for changing circumstances. Obviously many Mumsnet SAHMs have made their choices carefully and have made preparations so that's fine. But if you listen to those who haven't and whose husbands have divorced them, or have died or got ill, or who have then found it really hard to re-enter the workplace, or who have ended up depressed or whatever then perhaps you wouldn't consider this to be 'feminism gone mad'. Just seems like common sense to me.

For once I agree with you Xenia. I personally wouldn't want to be financially dependent on anyone else and any young woman who has the intention of marrying a rich man as top of their list of ambitions seems to be not only rather empty but also very vulnerable.

another sahm v wohm thread? booooooorrrring.

blackandwhitecat i do understand what you mean, perhaps some women do become sahm without fully realising the long term consequences, but lots of women find it very difficault to stay working when they have children. they have jobs which pay so poorly that it would cost them more in child care than they would earn.

Absolutely Fizzle and actually there are probably more SAHMS who are SAHMS more out of necessity than choice (and underrepresented on this site). Many of them are vulnerable financially and psychologically. What's important is that this discussion isn't just about individual choices and individual happiness but actually how many choices do most mothers have and what are the consequences of those choices to individuals, families and society as a whole.

So those of you who say, 'I'm happy for my daughter to do whatever she wants to do'. Would you be so happy if your daughter's childcare cost more than she could ever earn so that she was forced to give up work when she didn't want to? Or would you be happy if, having given up her job to look after her kids, her husband then left her? Or she found herself getting depressed at home but couldn't get back into the workplace? Of course not but this is the reality for many SAHMs.

I suppose all I'm saying is I'm surprised how relaxed some of you are about your daughters making such a life-changing decision. If your daughter told you she was dropping out of school, or going on a gap year or joining the army or claiming the dole even if it was just for a year then you'd probably have a fairly strong opinion about these things and at the least sit down with her and weigh up the pros and cons and get some proper advice but some of you have said that you wouldn't consider it to be your business if she became a SAHM.

It seems fairly obvious that there are many many women who do not receive proper advice or information about the long-term consequences of becoming a SAHM and do not make adequate provision for changing circumstances and that's bad. Any choice a mother makes should be well-informed and responsible and not just about what feels right for one person at a single moment in time.

Right, off now, my dds are early risers and then I've got work tomorrow.

Sorry, finally, hatrick yes, terrible misfortunes can happen to anyone but at least your friend as a WOHM has sick pay and a job to go back to if she wants it. If you are a SAHM and you have a breakdown, or an accident or postnatal depression you have nothing unless you or your partner has made provision for this. A colleague of mine's wife is a SAHM with 2 kids and has got a very serious illness. Not sure of the details but she's on the list for a liver transplant and may die. They have no life assurance or critical illness cover and obviously no childcare. He has had to take time off work to care for her and the kids but obviously can't do this long-term. At a time when they should be focusing on her health they're having nightmares about their financial situation. Situations like these make me absolutely determined to keep my job.

I understand your points blackcat but, you are in danger of missing an important one out of your posts. You say that childcare has to be affordable but, for that to be the case, it would either have to be subsidsed or rely on an underclass of poorly paid (think minimum wage) people to do it, in which case you then create a 2 tier system of those that are educated and can afford to go back to work and those that cannot.
I am lucky (or canny) enough to be unaffected by your likely economic scenarios, I appreciate that some women won't be. However, for me the choice has boiled down to a)corporate slave to pay for childcare I could do myself or b) sacrifice my 'career' to do it myself, which is what I have chosen to do.
I really do think though, that it is up to the current generation to make it easier for those that temporarily become sahm, to rejoin the workplace.

Oh FGS.

Most normal working class people have to deal with this kind of shit when they get ill B&WC. It's not a phenomenon of SAHMs. It's a phenomenon of a shit welfare and health system which plunges people into poverty if they get they ill.

People used to say as a solution to this "right, let's change society". Now they say "right, let's make damn sure we don't get ill, or that if we do, we've got enough money in the bank to ride it out".

I hope that by the time my DD is my age there will have been a societal swing back to believing that we human beings can change the world and the conditions we live in, if we want to.

My mother worked and only took 3 months maternity. She was a single mum and a radical feminist. Her career was very important to her. I was in day care and after school care all my childhood. Given my mother's feminist views I always imagined she would be disappointed if I did not have a glittering career. Luckily I worked hard and have been pretty successful.

However my Mum died two years ago and on her death bed she said her biggest regret was not spending more time with me as a child. She urged me to take time out when I had babies. Looking back on her life she felt her family, and not her career, was what mattered.

This is just an illustration of how hard it is to know what is best when it comes to balancing a career and family. I will be fascinated to see what my DD judges to be the best way to handle her life.

she'll do what she wants to do and what's best for her! Unfortunately the