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Original poster

SAHMs...would you encourage your daughters to SAHM or WOHM ?

373 replies

mozhe · 20/05/2007 18:33

I ask out of genuine interest....people have often said to me that I became a committed WOHM because I had such a strong model in my own mother....and I would certainly be very disappointed if one of my own daughters chose to be a SAHM.
SAHMs what do you think ? And why ?

OP posts:
PrincessPeaHead · 21/05/2007 20:16

it is shiteous shiteous shitty shitty shite dino

SueBaroo · 21/05/2007 20:17

PPH, sorry cross posted and looked insensitive there. I completely agree.

dinosaur · 21/05/2007 20:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Judy1234 · 21/05/2007 20:17

purple b, I know that's so. I didn't take any time off and I had the first 22 years ago and I'm glad I didn't and it was right for us all. I do feel really sorry for big companies of certain kinds who spend a fortune on young female graduates trying to be sexually neutral but knowing it's basically money down the drain. I think they'd better big up their orientation diversity policies and just recruit gay men (who have fewer children) if they need to satisfy quotas rather than women because women are such a bad bet - not women like me but an awful lot in those jobs because in those jobs they marry richer men most of the time and if there's a choice of who stays home it will be the woman.

I would never advise a woman to stop full time work when she had babies. It's too high a price to pay but I can see a lot of women on here decide it's the best choice for them.

But what on earth is the point in all that education - my eldest (now 22) will have done 5 years tertiary education. If she only works a few years and then have babies why on earth hasn't she spent from age 16 doing fun things, developing skills she can use at home, the traditional cordon bleu, finishing school courses, meeting and then marrying the right boys. What is the point even in the A levels, never mind all the other stuff - to spend your 20s working 60 hour days and then when the land of milk and honey flows, the right to delegate and earn loads in your 30s happens you bail out seems like a ridiculous choice and it's a choice - nothing to stop most women in those types of jobs carrying on working like mozhe and I have.

Aloha · 21/05/2007 20:17

I once told my dh that I didn't fancy giving him a motive.
I've never had the kind of job that made my death really worthwhile!

PPH, I'm so, so sorry.

foxinsocks · 21/05/2007 20:18

oh I'm sorry pph .

Judy1234 · 21/05/2007 20:18

PH, hadn't read your post. So sorry. I know three widowers whose wives died last year and two of them have children and now doing what I do every day - trying to manage as a 100% single parent how to keep them financially and give them time but even worse in their case deal with the children's trauma as well as their own.

PrincessPeaHead · 21/05/2007 20:19

thanks
don't want to hijack the thread, just wanted to register my protest at a particularly stupid example of why one shouldn't be a SAHM!

Aloha · 21/05/2007 20:19

God, you really hate women, don't you Xenia. Your posts absolutely drip with loathing and contempt.

PrincessPeaHead · 21/05/2007 20:20

xenia their son is adopted with special needs - it seems particularly unfair that his second attempt at having a mother will be so shortlived. anyway.

Pitchounette · 21/05/2007 20:21

Message withdrawn

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 21/05/2007 20:21

LOL at B&WC's dying example

May I refer you to my post pointing out that most working class people without the means to pay for private healthcare, would have the same problem whether they are WOHMs, SAHMs or men

blackandwhitecat · 21/05/2007 20:22

I got the stats from the Equal Opportunities Commission www.eoc.org. uk I think. There are other interesting stats like the fact that there's a nearly 40% pay gap between the genders doing part-time work and the fact that though the majority of teachers are female only 3 in 10 heads are women and still only 19% of MPs are women but let that be..

You really have missed my point about my colleague's wife. Erm, if she was working she would have sick pay and her pension would automatically go to her partner in the event of her death in service. They would also have had enough money to sort out critical illness cover and life assurance (on just one income these seemed like luxuries rather than necessities given that she was only going to be a SAHM temporarily). She would have had childcare provision which means he wouldn't have had to take time off work. Every time she has a hospital appointment or is staying in hospital he has to look after the kids. This may not seem like a big deal on the grand scale of their difficulties but actually it is. It's massively adding to their stress.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 21/05/2007 20:22

Contrary to how it may appear (and I apologise for this) I am not trying to get at you Bawc (well probl'y the last comment a little bit!)...

I just find you approach to the discussion a little polemical and not very balanced in its arguments. Totally agree there are a lot of terrible things that can happen to a family - mostof them happened to mine while I was growing up - divorce, illness, unemployment, separation, death (mum was widowed at 42)you name it. We were left pretty much destitute when I was 18 and just starting uni. However mum was a sahm throughout - i am one at present and what got us through terrible times was not money as we never had any and never will - it was friends and family looking after each other and knowng we always will. That confidence it what I want for my children and I also know that if dh popped his clogs tommorow we would survive as a family and i would get the support to work if necessary ... i agree that the sahm/wohm debate is stale.

CountessDracula · 21/05/2007 20:22

Ah but Xenia all you can do is give them the best education you are able. It isn't up to you whether they become a high flyer or a sahm or decide to spend their life on the dole. There is nothing you can do about it other than give them all the chances you can to let them make the decision knowing what they know, surely?

blackandwhitecat · 21/05/2007 20:25

Giantsquirrel, you find it funny that the wife of one of my colleagues may be dying and leaving behind 2 chidren. I just can't believe anyone could be so offensive.

SueBaroo · 21/05/2007 20:26

Xenia, because earning power isn't the only reason for education, surely. I have A-levels and a degree (well, most of one, I had to leave before finals because I had to care for a dying relative, but there we go)

I shall educate my girls to the highest level I can, and if they want to go on to Uni, then that may well happen for them. None of it will be wasted if they then stay at home with their children. It will be part of their life and part of their skillset, which can certainly be used if they're at home, as mine is now.

ScummyMummy · 21/05/2007 20:26

How horrible pph. Sorry to hear that.

Just deleted a post (because it was a bit worthy and pukesome) saying that some of the people I meet at work are amazing because they find a joy in life without work or family coming into the equation. Just getting through the day without going under can be a pretty amazing feat. Or engaging honestly with difficult crappy stuff that they'd rather wasn't there. Hope my boys find love and have kids and discover interesting work but a worthwhile life lived by a fabster doesn't have to include any of those things, imo.

PrincessPeaHead · 21/05/2007 20:27

I'm sure they'd have a bit more cash bawc.

But if you are talking about young children losing their mother, don't you think the cash aspect can be balanced with perhaps a bit of relief that for at least the last x years of their mother's life they had their mother at home, and not at work 5 days a week?

I'm not saying SAHM is better than WOHM or anything, I'm just saying that using a dying woman as an example of someone who should have been out at work because they'd have a bit more cash out of it strikes me as particularly abhorrent and not exactly looking at the wider picture of what might be better for the family in the long run.

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 21/05/2007 20:29

Oh sorry, of course I don't find it funny.

I'd forgotten it was a real example.

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 21/05/2007 20:31

And I meant I LOL'ed in exasperatiobn that you were repeating it without addressing my point about how your solution to such a situation seems to be that everyone has to go out and earn money so they can buy - what? healthcare? better drugs? more comfortable conditions? When what peopel used to want to do, was change society

blackandwhitecat · 21/05/2007 20:32

PrincessPeahead, I am talking about a real life situation. Obviously my colleague is devastated by his wife's illness but he still has to get up and go to work and look after the kids. Except he can't. THey are having sleepless nights about how he can be at the hospital to support her and look after the kids and earn money. The problems of illness and death aren't just emotional. THere are incredibly difficult practical concerns. This is real.

Judy1234 · 21/05/2007 20:36

Yes, but there is a traditional path for some girls to marry the right man and be content as housewives and I'm not sure spending your 20s on 12 hour days doing deals or whatever if you plan to give it up and make babies has much point to it unless you actually enjoy it. The traditional path was by all means educatted them up to 16 or 17 but the degree bit is a bit pointless. Learn something fun like cooking or do a year's fashion course. Go where suitable men who can marry and keep you might be, relax, party, be and have fun, care about your clothes, be attractive. Those are what stand you in best stead of getting a husband who can fund you as a housewife best and he will probably love you just as much as a husband on the breadline. So why hide yourself away from all men like that and work really hard when you're going to give it up anyway?

"Xenia, what you are learning at Uni is to use your brain and think in a rational way." I really really don't think so. I've 3 at university and although it may be benefiting some of them in terms of future career I don't think most of the 50% who go to university and many of those drop out and aren't really doing proper degrees anyway are learning a way to think that makes them better at putting on the baked beans and wiping bottoms, surely?

TwoIfBySea · 21/05/2007 20:38

Why disappointed if your dd was a SAHM, are we that bad and worthless?

If I ever have a dd I will support her in whichever she chooses and hope to advise her whichever path she decided on.

My mum was a SAHM but not exactly a nurturing type, I wanted to be a SAHM because I wanted to experience that short period of time in my children's lives. I certainly have made sure I am not like my mum was with me.

I worked before and will soon return to work as dts are at school now but part-time. I had them, they are my responsibility to care for them.

Judy1234 · 21/05/2007 20:38

...GSS we changed society so that girls were allowed legally to work equally like men and now they kick those wome in the teeth who secured that for them and say - yaboo sucks to that we wanted to be nice little housewives all along.