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Original poster

Really worried about a dad going on dd's school trip. Not police checked & I have concerns

114 replies

sotroubled · 15/05/2007 22:18

I was a regular although lapsed but have changed my name as I know some other local mums.
dd is at a nursery school and there is a dad of one of her class mates that really troubles me. He is very over familiar with the children, particularly the girls. dds class is typically 3 to 4 years old.
I have seen him cuddling little girls at parties, stroking their hair and I am 99% convinced that I saw him pull his hand out from beneath one of dd's friend's skirts when she was sat on the floor in front of him at a party. As I came into the hallway, he retracted his hand. That's what I thought I saw.
He is always inviting dd over for tea and his dw wanted her to stay the night. Needless to say, I've made excuses so she hasn't gone there apart from with me.
I may have this all wrong. He may just be an over-familiar chap who perhaps has no idea as to how his actions may be construed. I know there is another mum who finds it odd but she thinks he is OK but just a little naive. Dh is convinced he is (or is a potential) a paedophile.
Today, I learned that he accompanied the class on their last trip and is going on the next one to a Farm. I can'tgo as I'm in Scotland and dh can't go as he is allergic to animals. We are now really uneasy about this and contemplating not letting dd go but that's so unfair on her.
I am planning to have a private word with the teacher but I can only say that I have uneasy feelings about this man. That isn't enough to stop him being able to go.
Do I ignore my worries and say nothing or do I speak to the teacher and what do I do about sending her on the trip.
I can't stop worrying about it and I know I may have got it all wrong as well but I just feel so very sue he is not right.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 15/05/2007 22:24

You must be very careful about what you saw if you are not sure. These are very serious claims you are making about this man, ones which could ruin him even if it was jsut suspicions and he was innocent.

If this man is not CRB checked he will not be allowed to have sole supervision of children on the trip.

It must be very worrying however to have such suspicions. Not sure really what you can do at present other than be vigilant at other times.

Jenkeywoo · 15/05/2007 22:26

This is such a difficult situation and I really feel for you. I totally understand your concerns and I think that if you are that worried you have to talk to the nursery. You don't have to mention that you think you saw him with his hand up a girls skirt but TBH even if he didn't do that then his behaviour is a bit odd. Most men are all to aware of child safety issues and I know my DH wouldn't dream of cuddling other children unless it was a family member. Of course we all hope he is totally innocent and if he is then he should be able to understand the concerns. Not wishing to sound trite but could DH not take an anti-histamine and accompany the trip? I think it's hard for Dad's who are actively involved in their child's education, but this case does seem to have made you feel uneasy so it is probably worth raising your concerns in the least inflammatory way possible.

Original poster
sotroubled · 15/05/2007 22:28

Hula, thanks for your reply. I wouldn't say what I thought I saw. I would just say that I am uneasy with him being on the trip and that I think he is too familiar with the kids.
The nursery is attached to a private school and they dont CRB check anyone. I know because my friend has decided to go on it as she is uneasy about this man too. I can't expect her to look out for my dd all day though.

OP posts:
MaureenMLove · 15/05/2007 22:29

I'm suprised that in this day & age anyone who is not CRB'ed can go on a school trip anyway. It wouldn't happen in the schools around here I know for sure. If you have fears, then you should speak to the teacher, but be careful. You need to be really, really sure in your mind that you saw what you think you saw.

annh · 15/05/2007 22:29

How do you know that he is not CRB checked? If that is so, that in itself would be reason enough to mention to the teachers that you are not happy about him going on trips. However, I think it would be unusual for the nursery to allow him to go if he was not checked.

bea · 15/05/2007 22:29

oh dear... this is really tricky... i would definitely have a word with teacher or someone at the school whom you feel comfortable talking to. Just ensure that what you are saying is treated with the utmost confidentiality.

sorry... i'm crap at giving out advice... but definitely raise your concerns.

Hope all is sorted out.

krabbiepatty · 15/05/2007 22:31

I think I would not let DD go on the trip if I were as concerned as you are - it's only one school trip.

brimfull · 15/05/2007 22:31

so private schools are exempt from crb checking?

katelyle · 15/05/2007 22:32

Hang on a minute - they don't police check anyone????? Get on to the Head and the Governors and anyone else you can think of at once. I thought they had to by law, and even if they don't, they bl...dy well should!

Original poster
sotroubled · 15/05/2007 22:32

I was really surprised when I found out that they don't CRB check but I suppose they don't adhere to the same polcies as state school.s. Chances are, even if he is "up to something", that he may not be on a police register anyway so even if they do the check, it may not stop him going.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 15/05/2007 22:32

You don't have to be CRB checked if you won't have sole respobility/supervision of children. Even state schools don't CRB every one who volunteers for school trips.

brimfull · 15/05/2007 22:33

well it would becaue it takes about 5 weeks for check to come through

Aloha · 15/05/2007 22:34

It is perfectly normal - thank goodness to be able to go as a parent helper without a police check, otherwise the children at ds's school wouldn't even be able to go to the library, let alone all the other lovely trips they go on.

madamez · 15/05/2007 22:34

Appreciate that it is a difficult situation. How do the children, generally, react to this man? Because if any of them seem to find him off-putting or scary then (even if his behaviour is not intentionally harmless but just overly boisterous) then someone, perhaps, who is friendly with him, could have a diplomatic word about the general climate of feeling these days, etc, and keeping his hands to himself. If there is anything unsavoury about him, then telling him that he is (in effect) being watched should make him moderate his behaviour.

But, quite simply because there is so much paedo-panic about, making accusations about inappropriate behaviour is an awful thing to do to someone who really isn't doing anything wrong...

MissGolightly · 15/05/2007 22:34

Can you say that you are concerned about people who are not CRB checked going on school trips, and ask the school to examine their policies? That may be enough to give them a jolt without mentioning names.

I really feel for you but it is SUCH a serious allegation to make that I think I would want to avoid personally mentioning him if at all possible.

Original poster
sotroubled · 15/05/2007 22:34

How do I approach this with the teacher. do I just say that I have concerns that they don't police check anyone? do I say that I feel uncomfotbale about his over familiarity and how he is so keen to get dd to come to play (his wife probably wouldn't be there as he is a SAHD for 3 days a week)

OP posts:
Aloha · 15/05/2007 22:35

And I suspect you are worrying about nothing. He won't be alone with any of the children anyway.

Rachmumoftwo · 15/05/2007 22:35

If he is to be left unsupervised with children he needs to be checked by law. I personally wouldn't send my child to a setting which flouted this rule, as it is fundemental to children's safety. Also, a CRB check is only useful if he has a prior conviction. They are not infallible. If you have concerns, voice them (confidentially with nursery manager, not at the gates with other mums).

Aloha · 15/05/2007 22:36

Er, it is NORMAL to have parent helpers and perfectly NORMAL for them not to be police checked. I've helped numerous times and tomorrow dh is going mini-beast hunting in the local park.
Doesn't his dd play with your dd then?

ArmitageShanks · 15/05/2007 22:36

Our school in Surrey will only allow parents who have been CRB'd to read with the children, to go on school trips with the children.

Pull your daughter from the trip.

mamazon · 15/05/2007 22:37

you would not beed to be CRB checked if you are not going to be alone with any children. as he is just accompanying the group and they will have a teacher with them also it would not be needed.

You could raise your concnerns that non police checked parenrts are used as volunteers but i doubt there would be anything taht came up anyway, police checks only give details of any convictions...nto whether they have peadophilic tendancies.

If you are really concerned you can always object to your child attending the trip if she is to be supervised by anyone that is not CRB checked, although i doubt the school would do anything without evedence. they cannot afford to get every parent CRB cleared and certainly wouldnt be able to hire staff just to help with school trips.

Aloha · 15/05/2007 22:37

I think it sounds a bit OTT but don't let her go if you are that worried. In nursery she probably won't even notice.

fireflyfairy2 · 15/05/2007 22:37

I have a neighbour who would be like this man. He has a dd the same age as my dd & is always patting the kids hair & stroking their arm. He addresses them as "darlin pet" & would go out of his way to be nice to the children & pay them attention.

He's not a potential peadophile though He is a man who adores his own children & gives others respect & attention.

If I were in your situation I just wouldn't send my dd, I don't think you would relax anyway, even if you did.

MaureenMLove · 15/05/2007 22:38

Are you sure that NO-ONE is CRB at the private school? Rules is rules when it comes to looking after children surely. I've got 2, one for childminding and one for Guiding, but I'm still not allowed to go on school trips unless I get checked!!

ArmitageShanks · 15/05/2007 22:38

Tell them, you are sure he is a lovely person but no more than the next volunteer be it male or female you would be happier if you knew you were dealing with CRB'd people.