What do you think about those women who are 'Childless by Choice'?

[happycornishbird]

I am hoping that you guys can help me. I am a 40 year childless woman but it's ok, I am ok with that. I am also trying to write a dissertation about the representations of women who choose not to have children.
I would love to hear some of your thoughts on this subject.

Do you feel sorry for women who choose not to have children? Do you think they will regret? Do you think it is a selfish decision?

The UK press seems to like to represent childless one in one of a few ways: as the lonely bitter perhaps crazy old lady, as the selfish career woman etc do you think this is fair?

Be honest! I would love to hear your thoughts!

My dsis doesn’t have children or a career to speak of, I really don’t think anything other than it’s her choice. I’m also very envious of her freedom and the fact she can stay in bed past 5.30am if she wants to.

I never wanted children as I'm not maternal but then had one by "mistake" and brought him up alone. I'd never have chosen to have a child. We have a very close relationship and he is the best thing that ever happened to me.
I can understand why people don't want children and have several friends who don't.
They are all less than 50 and I'm concerned that when they reach the menopause and can't have kids any more they might regret it.
When I was younger I used to think who needs kids but now I'm heading for retirement he is the light of my life.
He always needed me, now I need him.
Working in the NHS I see so many old people completely alone, no husband, no children, no friends and they are terribly lonely with nobody to care for them, the grows year by year.
I worry that the childless could join their ranks. The world is your oyster under 50 but over 50 you really need family.

I’m over 50, no regrets here

And please don’t waste your time worrying about us

I am wondering while those posters who are childless by choice joined up to Mumsnet?

If you don't see any discussions on MN that would be of interest to people who do not have children, then you are either very unimaginative or you visit very different areas of the site than I do.

Jacinta I totally get this I possibly understand it more than women who have the seemingly requisite one or two.

You have thought properly about whether you want children and how many you want and whether you want another one, whereas many people just sleepwalk into having them because it's what you do and "of course they want a boy and a girl that's what everyone wants".

I wrote my dissertation on this subject 30 years ago! : "Childless or Child-free - representations of women without children in women's magazines". Gave me an excuse to sit around reading Cosmopolitan whilst claiming it was "research".

But the conclusion I came to back then (late 80s) was that, even in the more forward thinking magazines, there was a polarisation and it was only acceptable to choose not to have children if you had a high-powered glamorous career. There were no positive storie of women who had an "ordinary" job but chose not to have children.

It will be interesting to hear if things have moved on significantly. I rather suspect that they haven't.

I think they're adults who've made a choice and unless they tell me otherwise I assume it was the right one for them. I do wonder why some "child-free" women make a song and dance about it though, as historically it's not in fact unusual.

That's a good point Emma, and one that bears repeating.

It's OK to not have children and ALSO not be a CEO or curing cancer or climbing Kilimanjaro on a pogo stick.

It's not a requirement that you must do something extraordinary to fill the "hole" that is left by not having children. Children are not a requirement, their absence does not result in a hole.

You just need to look at some of the posts on this thread to see why the ‘song and dance’. We continually have to defend our position because people feel sorry for us, worry about us, patronise us, think we’ll regret it when we’re old and past it

I think it's none of my business. I was childless by choice for many years, coming to parenthood late in life.

I don’t think about them, other than fleetingly envying their freedom.

Well said, Costa.

I am child free by choice because I have no maternal feelings at all. The thought of accidentally getting pregnant fills me with panic. I do however spend a lot of my time with children. I teach a class of 6/7 year olds and I have loads of nieces and nephews I am very involved with. I care a lot for the children I have contact with but have no desire to have any of my own.
I was once told I would be a better teacher if I was a mother. I don't think so.

I've got one friend who seems to believe she's the only woman who's ever made that choice. If I point out that my aunt (now in her 80s) and several great aunts and lots of friends of my mothers did not have children, her take is basically that they were all tragic spinsters who couldn't find a husband rather than having made an active choice like she has. I know in the case of my aunt that's not true - she also avoided marriage because she didn't want to be tied into domestic drudgery - but friend won't have it.

After reading some of the posts on this thread, I am wondering while those posters who are childless by choice joined up to Mumsnet? The name of the forum implies it's for mum's

Because you don't actually have to be a parent to have opinions on most of the sections on here. Or does not being a parent mean my opinions or experiences on other subjects are worthless.

I think the site has expanded and evolved a lot since it started

I have children but I very rarely read or post on threads outside S&B, Relationships or Feminism. It's a big site and the name Mumsnet doesn't really represent it very well nowadays.

Do you feel sorry for women who choose not to have children?
Only if I know that they wanted to have DC and it just didn't happen. To actively choose something and to achieve that thing is surely something to celebrate, not pity.

Do you think they will regret?
Possibly, but then people who have DC also regret it. There is no 'one size fits all' solution and if a woman doesn't want DC then surely we should trust her to know her own mind? My aunt never wanted DC and AFAIK has never regretted that decision. She's lived the life she wanted, and that didn't include procreation.

Do you think it is a selfish decision?
No. You can be selfish and have DC, or not have DC, but not having DC is not a selfish decision. Arguably, it's a lot less selfish than having them, as you are not burdening the planet with extra mouths to feed. And actually, I think if you aren't sure if you want them or not it's far safer not to have them. How awful to have a DC and then regret it. There are few things sadder than an unwanted DC, who then grows up to be a troubled adult.

Costa every woman who doesn't conform to the requisite one to three children family size is apparently fair game for the conformist's bile.

Childless women are patronised to more or less the same degree as those who habe large families.

Its not about childlessness its about not validating the conformity of the majority.

I am childfree by choice and now in my 60's. I don't regret my decision at all and never have.

I will be honest. I do sometimes worry that if I live to be very old and DH dies before me I will have no one to care about me. I have a very small family and do not live very close to them.

I am a real worrier though so I may well still worry if I had children. Of course children can fall out with you (DH has had no contact with any of his family for years), they could emigrate or, of course, they could die before you. My neighbour is 95. She had 4 children but they are all dead.

When we got married I was 25 and DH was 23. I thought I would probably have children just because it was the done thing but DH was adamant that he didn't want any. That was mainly due to his awful childhood.

Anyway we talked at great length about it, weighing up all the arguments and eventually decided it was not for us. We both felt that the planet was already overpopulated so no need for us to add to it. Also if I had had children I would have wanted to be a stay at home mum but we could not have afforded that as I earned far more than my DH. They were not the only reasons but the main ones.

I have had a lot of rude comments made to me over the years, some by people I hardly knew. Told I was not normal, asked why I got married if I didn't want children, told I would be lonely when old etc etc. Thought that was all over but I now I get asked a lot if I have grandchildren and when I say no that often starts the questions of why I don't have children.

I know quite a few childfree woman, all of them married. I have 4 cousins and 2 of them are childfree. My brother in law has 3 sisters and 2 brothers (we all meet up as a family fairly often) and none of them have children. I also have 3 nieces and nephew and 2 nieces definitely don't want children.

As I say, I don't regret not having children and neither does my DH. When our nieces and nephew were young we enjoyed having them to stay with us and even taking them away (just us and them) but it was wonderful giving them back! I would though far rather regret not having children than regret having them. Sadly I know quite a few woman and men that do have children and regret it

I read something really interesting the other day, some research comparing number of planned children to actual number of children. Their conclusions were that the majority of people without children are that way through chance and continue to feel ambivalent until their 40's, when their expectations change to not having children. This certainly chimes with my observations and why I would never ask about intentions.
Also agree with PP in that "you can tell". In the immortal words of Edina Monsoon (ab fab) "the problem with children is that they make you think about someone else all the bloody time". Of course you can see the difference if someone has had this experience or not, if you have had it yourself. It must be very freeing, to have only yourself to please....

Do you feel sorry for women who choose not to have children?
Not at all. I do feel sorry for those who would like to have children but cannot.

Do you think they will regret?
Some may, but only they will know.

Do you think it is a selfish decision?
Not at all

Far better to regret not having a child than having one and then regretting it surely?

I have a friend who was happily child free by choice but was still sad when medical issues meant that it was no longer a choice. Another two say publicly that it's by choice but have confided privately that they would have liked to have children but the circumstances were never right. Two others simply never wanted them, and never had them, which led to serious soul-searching for one as her DH did. There are many facets to this, but I only think about it when it's relevant to a conversation. I'm just pleased that we all have the choice.

I feel admiration- my DS godmother and her husband are child free by choice and they have a lovely life. They work very hard in their chosen careers, are and have lovely friends and extended family and are very active, fit, have a beautiful house and holidays.
They seem very happy. I don’t feel sorry for them, they have the life they want. I think having lots of children with the state of the planet is more selfish than having none.