What do you think about those women who are 'Childless by Choice'?

[happycornishbird]

I am hoping that you guys can help me. I am a 40 year childless woman but it's ok, I am ok with that. I am also trying to write a dissertation about the representations of women who choose not to have children.
I would love to hear some of your thoughts on this subject.

Do you feel sorry for women who choose not to have children? Do you think they will regret? Do you think it is a selfish decision?

The UK press seems to like to represent childless one in one of a few ways: as the lonely bitter perhaps crazy old lady, as the selfish career woman etc do you think this is fair?

Be honest! I would love to hear your thoughts!

I don't see the need to brand/say 'childless by choice'. Before DH and I had children, if asked, we would say we didn't have children. You either had children or you didn't. Everyone has gone so PC now that we need to make up non existent titles to make a point. Does anyone actually care if other people have children or not? Once they can provide for their children and give them a happy and safe upbringing, it really doesn't matter. There are bigger issues in the world IMO.

What do you think PC means exactly?

@Stop
If someone is childless but not through their own choice they may well be sad/ devastated/ grieving. Surely that’s a very different state of affairs than someone who has chosen not to have children because they didn’t want them? I’m surprised you don’t see the difference.

Do the people who don't have children for the good of the planet live really basic lifestyles with tiny environmental footprints? They could still incorporate children into these simple lifestyles.

Slanetaylor That isn't my reason for not having children; however if you're considering environmental impact, you have to look at the pyramid effect. That is, you might have a tiny footprint to which children would add little; however, those children would eventually grow up and require their own separate households; then they might have children themselves and so on - so it wouldn't be as simple as living a basic lifestyle with them while they were still minors.

"The good of the planet" is one of those things that people add on as an extra reason after they have already made their decision for more personal reasons.

It's like saying that you really fancy salmon tonight and then saying "omega 3s are good for you". That's not your reason for making the decision, but it is a potential added bonus.

Trills That's a really good analogy; you've expressed it perfectly.

I am childless—completely by choice. I knew in my very early 20s that I didn't want children.

Do I feel sorry for myself? Do I f**k! I have an amazing life. Love my work. Love my family. Love my friends. I have no desire to be a carer to any being that can't take care of itself (for that reason I don't do pets either).

Will I regret it? Well time will tell, I guess. I'm 50 now though and no signs of regret whatsoever yet. Added to which, the chance that I may live to regret it was not, in my opinion, a good enough reason to bring new life into the world.

Am I selfish? Possibly. But I'll live with that. Not as selfish, in any case, as those that go ahead and have children and proceed to make an abominable job of raising them

I am a career woman. I'm neither lonely, nor bitter.

It was the right decision for me. Absolutely. Without a shadow of a doubt.

Thanks ScreamingValenta :)

*trevthecat
I may get blasted for this but! I find it odd to not want children. I don't care if that's how people choose to live their lives, it's nothing to do with me but I felt the need for children very young although didn't act on it till older. But yeah I find it odd that a woman would not have the want for a child**

Ive never felt the need or urge to be a mother, never been clucky. I found out i was pregnant very late as in 27 weeks so i had to get used to the idea. Even now i dont like babies, the thought of being pregnant leaves me cold, no more nappies, formula, night wakings, toilet training. I really struggled with the first few years.
Last week saw BIL for christmas, put his new grandson on me, like plonk, here ya go and i almost lost my shit at him for it. No means no lol
Even my partner knows number 2 isnt even an option for me.

Dont get me wrong, i love dd but had i not found out so late id never have chosen to have kids. Everyone i knew had a heart attack when i told them i was pregnant

I dont feel sorry for child free people, their choice. Unless they wanted but unable to, thats sad, i do feel for them seeing the struggles a friend goes through
I do get envy at times lol

Its in no way selfish, opposite if you ask me.

Regret? Well thats individual but for most part, no i dont see regret

I don't get how people say childless people are selfish. I see my children as an extension of me to some extent so looking after them is not a selfless act.

A lot of my friends are childless by choice. I’m v glad they have the option now to choose the life they want. I think it’s a sign of our liberation and I love seeing women do what they want.

I always wanted children so it’s not a choice I share. But I feel like cheering their choice.

One of my friends is mad about cats and I am as about her cats as she is about the idea of having kids and probably about my actual kids . We are brilliant friends and love that we are different.

I don't really have any strong feelings about it. The only exception is a couple of friends I have who have Disney ideas of love and romance, constantly reject kind decent men and still think they'll have no problem getting pregnant despite nearing their 40s. I don't judge them but I do worry for their future happiness.

I notice OP hasn't been back and never addressed the very pertinent questions raised on page 2 or 3 about the ethics approval for her study.

I am reaching the end of my fertile years very happily childfree. Even as a teenager I knew that I didn't want children and although I'm very good with kids, I've never felt maternal or broody.

Most people I know are completely unbothered about it but there is the odd patronizing idiot who loves to tell me I'll change my mind or just haven't met the right man.

I do love my personal space and peace and quiet. No regrets. Being the fun auntie or godmother is quite enough for me.

I meant to say in my previous post that as well as thinking we didn't need to add to an already overpopulated world, me and DH also agreed that we didn't think this is a very nice world to bring children into.

Nothing has changed our view on that. As I said, I am a real worrier and I worry about my nieces and nephews - their jobs, the possibility of them buying a property, the crime rate in this country, the state of the NHS etc. I would worry more about my own child and just would not want that.

So many times me and DH say to each other that we are so glad we didn't bring children into the world

My thoughts on it are that women who choose to be childless must have either not been in a position/relationship that they felt was suitable for them to bring a child into, or that it has been given ALOT of thought before deciding that they did not want to have children in their lifetime.

I would never consider these women to be selfish, actually I would consider them quite admirable for being so sure of themselves and making such a life changing decision.

I am a mother myself, and I do think it to be a little sad that they won't know the feeling of loving and being loved by a child, however I trust that they have of course considered this deeply, and therefore should not be judged at all.

being so sure of themselves and making such a life changing decision.

It's more of a life-not-changing decision.

A life-staying-the-same decision, if you will.

I've never thought anything of it? Each to their own :)

Why should anyone feel sorry for me, for not having something I don’t want?

I'll stick my neck out a bit here. I think it's a little like someone saying that they don't want to fall in love. That's a perfectly rational statement; you may say you don't wish to be vulnerable to heartbreak, you don't want to depend emotionally on another person etc. But it's something that's almost impossible to understand in the abstract and unless you've experienced it yourself. I feel like that about having children. I look at other people and their children and it often leaves me cold; I'm not a "kiddy person" and I don't generally find children very appealing. But the feelings I have for my own children are so strong and the reality of having them has been wonderful - because they are mine. And I could never, ever have known that in advance and without actually doing it myself.

That said, I don't think anything negative about anyone who has chosen not to have children - entirely up to them and absolutely none of my business!

@trills bit pedantic but sure, I think the op will get the jist.

I may get blasted for this but! I find it odd to not want children.

That's ok, I find it equally odd that people do want children. Obviously they do, and they get a lot out of it & that's lovely, but... no. Just no.

It is interesting though, that the idea that having children is normal is so entrenched in our minds that "not having children" can be seen as "life-changing". When it's the having children that changes your life.