Can anyone help me get over this?

[Beauregard]

There is one thing i want to be able to do more than anything but i am stopping myself doing it.
I would love to be able to drive.
The world and his wife and do it so why the hell do i have this unrational fear of taking the plunge and booking lessons?
I had lessons a long time ago when i was 17 and had a horrible and impatient instructor ,she would tut and sigh and screech at me so i did the only thing i could and changed instructors and the new one was great but i gave up as i wasn't progressing as i had no confidence in myself(instructor agreed with me).About 2 years ago my parent's started taking me out in their car and i did quite well but then i just stopped and never picked it up or followed it on with lessons.
So fast forward 14 years and i still am a non driver.

It makes me feel so so embarrassed,it limits my career and my social life so why oh why am such a wimp?
I know that noone else can do it for me but i really do have a .......what i can only decribe as a head f* over this
I know that part of problem is that if i am being watched when im doing something then i just mess it up.
HELP

Thanks Sassy.

Im trying to decide what sort of driving school to look into,do i go for an independant driving school or the AA or something?
Which would be better?
I have found a list of local instructor's but there is only 1 female instructor listed ,part of me would prefer a female instructor and the other part of me is screaming NO due to the 1st instructor i had.

I really thought a woman would be better but she was such a shouty cow lady that i don't think you can really generalise - just get a feel for someone when you talk to them. What i'd do is get a list of say 3 or 4. Give them a call and say that you're a phobic learner driver, you're very nervous, and you'd like to know their approach to teaching anxious learners. Then call back and book a lesson with the one who sounds like they actually have an approach and would be able to put you at ease.

Thanks will try and draw up some sort of a list.
I also hate making phonecalls to strangers so it will be a challenge,lol.
God im a wimp

Rescue remedy, and an incentive, like gin or chocolate.

Just remember that passing the test does not mean that you have finished learning to drive.
It just means that you are competent to be driving on your own.
The first year of driving on your own is the worst as you have no-one to tell you if you are doing it right.
I would recomend taking a motorway driving course once you pass, loads of people seem to have totally ignored the rules regarding motorways.
Also, very, very usefull is taking the Institute of Advanced Driving course where you are tested by an ex-police driving instructor (and no it does not involve skid pan driving).
They teach you to drive defensively and to keep to the rules of the road.
AB.

You may feel pshycologically better with a female - but some pupils have come to DP after saying that the females they have tried round here are cowbags. I don't think a woman wouold be necessarily 'nicer'

Doen't make much difference if you go for a school or not - doesn't affect quality IMHO - if anything I would say that the independent instructors must have some sort of reputation to stay in business - and probably more experience. It is expensive as an instructor to work for the bigger schools - many start out with the bigger schools whilst they gain a reputation and experience and then start their own business - although there are obviously exceptions - where some instructors have worked for the same school for years.

If you do go to a bigger school - specifically ask for a fully qualified instructor. Many schools use trainees - and they obviously don't have as much experience - and it sounds as though you will definately be better off with a bit more experience to help you deal with your nervousness. A fully qualified instructor has a green license in their window, Trainees have a pink license.

Slightlymadscientist-I didn't realise that the bigger schools did that,i suppose then that bigger isn't neccersarily better.

Did what? - The trainee thing? TRainees can only work for schools of a certain size...

I think the AA only use fully qualified instructors though - it is just worth checking...

Yes the trainee thing.

You don't have to worry about the trainee instructors that work for a given schooll - as long as you ask for a fully qualified instructor with experience...

I should say that there is a certain ratio that a school must maintain. I think there must be 2 or 3 qualified instructors for every trainee...

pfnmore, my wonderful instructor was independent and had done it for years.

1st - I trusted her and she gave me confidence

2nd - she offered references etc and had done it for years

3rd - she didn't patronise me or work out my age and do that vile calculation when they suck in their cheeks, shake their head and say "well, it's not going to be easy, you should have learned to drive after 12,000,000 lessons..."

I'd go for experience and someone who treats you with respect! Hope you can face the calls - I know how hard it is to face one of these life-bugbears - but keep thinking how brilliant you'll feel when you've done it. Driving is such a rite of passage isn't it?
Good luck!

My sister paid for literally hundreds of lessons over the years - kept going back to it and leaving it again etc - but she NEVER took the test. She's 46 now and says she wont bother. The same happened to my friend. I promise you that if you take the plunge and do it you will never ever look back and you'll wonder how you ever managed before your could drive. (you'll probably be slighter fatter too - it's a common problem of which I suffer also!!)

Just go for it. I would even consider a quick pass two week course or something, then it's all over with.

And I think the bit about being watched is also very common. I know I used to sweat profusely when reversing (nice) and also, as I set out on my test, my brastrap snapped as I was doing a u-turn and catapulted one bosom sharply into the steering wheel at some speed and force. Highly embarrassing but hey, I passed!!

Just to offer encouragement - my dad works in the car industry and thinks everyone should drive, so insisted I started lessons at 17 - I enjoyed the actual driving but the test! OMG, that fear of someone you don't know watching you!!

It reduced me to shreds and I failed miserably twice - the second time I was so nervous I mistook the accelerator for the brake and nearly killed 2 old ladies on a pedestrian crossing!

That put me off for a looong time and it wasn't until I met the OH that I began to consider taking the test again. That was all it was, considering. I ummed and aahed and then at the age of 27 my SIL (nice but bossy) bought me a book of driving lesson vouchers with someone she'd sussed out from friends' recommendations as being good with nervy drivers. She then nagged me relentlessly until I booked up a lesson.

My advice would be to do as I did, and tell the instructor just how rubbish and nervous you are, in great detail, before you've even booked the first lesson. That way they don't really expect anything of you, and my instructor even said to me in the first lesson 'oh, you're actually quite good!' which bucked me up no end.

Then, after 4 months of lessons and a few shouting matches with my instructor ('why haven't you exited the junction yet?' 'why are you going so slowly?' BECAUSE I'M SCARED, GODDAMMIT!!) I passed my test. With the aid of a bucketful of Kalms.... I think I scared the examiner, I nearly kissed him when he told me!

And then I had several months of driving like a tortoise in a car festooned with 'P' plates, but practise is a great confidence booster - in the end, what got me going was driving to my stable yard - it took 40 mins by the side roads and only 20 on the North Circular, so I screwed up my courage and went for it - now I'm a total girlracer, which is probably just as bad as being a nervous nelly!

So go for it - you really won't regret it!

I had a full-blown phobia - panic attacks, hyperventilating, the lot. I tried to learn at 18, gave up after three lessons. Tried again in my late 20s - persevered till almost ready for the test, then moved to London and freaked out after only one lesson.

Then in my 30s it became clear that if I couldn't drive I wouldn't be able to carry on with my job.

I went for a trial lesson and had a panic attack at the wheel after 20 minutes.

What worked for me

1. Automatic car One of my irrational fears was of having too much to think about - this just made it simpler

2. female instructor made huge difference to me. Find someone like ipanemagirl's instructor who understands and is supportive.

3. intensive driving course - keep up the momentum, don't let your courage ebb away between lessons. I organised my own with local BSM - daily or twice daily lessons for about 10 days

4. two-hour lessons were essential for me. After one hour my anxiety was sky high. In the second hour there was no way for it to go but down and I could really feel the improvement. Stopping after one hour was worse than having no lesson.

5. don't let people talk to you about it. I realised that every time I told someone what I was doing they would say 'well I don't blame you for being anxious' and start to tell me all their driving horror stories and near misses. Tell them to shut up.

I passed the test first time, bought a car immediately and made myself drive everywhere. I love it now. I'll always be a vigilant, defensive driver but that's a good thing.

Good luck everyone

Thanks everyone

eemie- I had considered trying to learn in an automatic but that would mean that if i did ever pass my test i wouldn't be able to drive my work's vechicle,which would probably drive my collegues mad.

I love the idea of doing an intensive course but unfortunately my bank balance wouldn't be too chuffed.
The 2 hour lesson does sound a good alternative though,although i am worried that my confidence and enthusiasm would wane between lessons but i suppose if i was nice to my parents then they may offer to take me out inbetween.

pelvicfloor i actually brought an old car before i started lessons, so used that between to practice in. buy a car and you'll want to use it! i never really fancied intensive courses as i think it's better to really take your time learning and all of a sudden it 'clicks' iykwim!

Interesting what eemie said about 2 hour lessons. I had 2 hour ones last time, and i'd get so knackered and tense that even if i'd had quite a good lesson, by the end i'd start making more mistakes and that would then lower my confidence again. this time i started with a 2 hour lesson, and the instructor said he thought we should have one hour lessons until i got my confidence up, as its more manageable. See what suits you, for me, i just don't dread it as much as an hour seems bareable - but you might be more like eemie and need longer to get into the swing.

I had a lesson yesterday and when i made a mistake, and panicked, the instructor laughed about it, which actually takes away the tension and made me relax more. In normal life, i think i'd want to poke him in the eye, but in this situation, it means i'm not taking myself so seriously and dwelling on messing up.

they only do 2 hr lessons round where i live, i found it went pretty quickly tbh

HI,
Well i had another lesson yesterday, was really worried beforehand but the more Ihave the more I want to get that pass.

They only do two hr lessons here also, as its the middle of the countryside, and they are very tiring, I sort of zone out towards the last 20 mins.

The website 2pass.co.uk which I mentioned in my previous post is good tho, I often go on there for support, its a very good forum, and really informative.

Ihave found my instructor is really good humoured and that helps.

Boco and Pirategirl-Im pleased that your lessons are going well
Have tried registering on that website...2pass.co.uk and im having problems logging in ,typical!

I spoke to my dad this morning about him taking me out inbetween if i book lessons,i told him to check if i need to go on his insurance.
Every time i think about having lessons i get butterflies

Your GP can perscribe beta blockers to help you through your test if you need them. I am not sure about for all your lessons though

Have you phoned anyone yet PFNM? (says Betty in her best nagging voice)

I expect someone may have suggested it already but if not, have you thought about confidence building through hypnosis or (can't remember what its called but the one where you listen to tapes etc that suggest YOU CAN DO IT etc)?

Hi Pelvic,
I have been taking lessons for nearly two years now (yes two!) . I even have my own car which dh bought me and hate it. I panic far too much for my own good, I can't get to grips with turns in the road, reversing etc etc. There are some days when I drive really really well, and I think yes I can do this and other days when I am just crap.

I have given up for the time being as we are trying to sell our house.

I need Immodium for every lesson!

My main fear is crashing and causing an injury to someone else and also there are so many idiots on the road nowadays you need to have eyes in the back of your head.

Good luck - lets keep this thread going!