I don't have big piles.

[QueenMortifauxcado]

Which is mightily impressive for sitting on a throne all day and existing primarily on carbs (and the odd avocado), isn't it?

Anyone else got an arse of steel?

Don't you have to be dead before you're beatified?

Well the topic was of a rather sensitive nature but now we've clarified that the queen definitely does not have big piles (GET BACK IN THE PASSAGE ) it's probably fine.

Why not start a new fred in chat or dare I say AIBU? Link to first and second Fred and invite any further family mortificados to join the Game of Mortificados? We can definitely keep ourselves entertained throughout xmas.

Ignore that unfrocked Pope

Dignified! HA! Blind drunk most of the time.

And YES! You do have to be dead to be beatified (though I would be delighted to arrange that, and wouldn't even charge a small fee).

And "Pope" and that whisky-sodden nun have emptied the cellars down their throats !

However, I can see great things for the Realm of Mortificado on AIBU . . . .

AIBU . . . to send in the dragons?
AIBU . . . to de-frock the Pope?
AIBU . . . to put a lock on PrincessMortificado's foof?
AIBU . . . to strangle a BabyHarpy and shove it down the toilet?
AIBU . . . .SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH?

Loads of potential there!

I appear to have lasted more than 9 days.
T'is a Christmas miracle.

Happy Mortifacadamas.

Happy Mortificadamas LadyJaneMortificado (tee-shirt slogan () "With her head tucked, underneath her arm . . ")

You're still here, I see. As you say - a "miracle" and nothing to ge with ExecutionerMortificado's second-best axe disappearing, I suppose?

Still () at least you aren't popping out harpies andwyverns and GodMortificado-know-what every two minutes.

You can stay. Pullover a garden chair and have a bit of Toblerone.

First draft of The Official Mortificado Family Tree available for proofing.

I believe Flappy is also one of the Princess's offspring, full or half sib of my adopted kid.

Having cleared that up....PET??

I do apologise Dragon, I thought that's what it said on your paperwork but actually it was prat. My mistake, here's the new draft.

princess HORSE!?!?!? yes I am on to you both but keeping my distance

FlappysMammy duly noted! I've sent a few pieces of gold towards Flappys amulet, is he close to target yet?

Dragon was a bit shocked at seeing you marked as a pet, glad it was a simple misreading of paperwork

FFS never a job done around you lot, is there? Right, where do unicorns go...

QueenMortificado (tee-shirt slogan *Off with his/her/its/their head/s!")

Superb work Your Queenliness. If I, an humble subject, may proffer a comment. . . I, Flappy's mammy (adopted) and the also the TrueYoungPretenderMortificado (abdicated) andTruePopeInExile (decided I wouldtratherthave the Munnies and the Garden Furniture than the stresses of Popedom . . . ).

If you would like me to amend your otherwise stonking document, I would be delighted to assist, for a small fee ()

Seriously - brilliant job, QueenM. Brilliant job! ()

Ooops! That "Brilliant job" comment was supposed to be a private message to QueenMortificado. As you were, peasants -avert your plebeian gaze.

If you're looking to print it on a t-shirt FlappysMammy should you not be offering a small fee instead of stealing it under the guise of helpfulness? Barry from legal says he's watching you. Might be telling the truth too, lost an eye to a cat, the replacement just pops right out.

Truly sorry to be an inconvenience my Queen
()

The court has said that Princess is forbidden contact, Dragon.

But you and your adopted offspring are very welcome to contact, visit buy birthday and Mortificadomas presents and contribute to the amulet fund and have a positive impact on the life of this sweet, hard-working little dragon - you will both be such a good example of what intelligence, determination, hard work, scales and fiery breath can achieve.

Thank youUnicorn. Flappy is very close to the Amulet Of His Dreams (Argos catalogue, p36, itemD).He is so excited, especially as a dragon can't achieve puberty without an amulet, and he is looking forward to being a complete, obstructive, unreasonable, bad-tempered, PITA.

That family tree is seriously impressive!! Well done!

And having a productive w*nk.

Hang on! Fake queen! must learn to read more carefully sorry for inconveniencing you, please keep the gold , but I must rescind my bow! And also I apologise to the true queen.

FlappysMammy you're both welcome, can't wait to see how you get on with a angsty dragon him grow up

Unicorn added.

Thank you your queenly queenness though you may also owe thanks to the Very Strong Coffee the dragon concocted. Additionally you may wish to have a gift basket sent to MumsnetiaHQ for moving our thread so swiftly and with the most gracious of compliments. So swiftly, in fact, I fear we may be on some sort of watch list, so make it a good one.

Apologies to QueenMortificauxdo - I thought QueenMortificado had done the family tree.

This gets curiouser andcuriouser - it is a BRILLIANT family tree, even though I didn't do it.
You would be justified in charging a LARGE FEE!

It is a wonderful tree, thank you very much for adding me! Also would like to say I love where you have placed me

Yes, I am getting rather good at impersonating the queen, aren't I?

Only place for you, Unicorn, no one would take responsibility for you as a pet.

That's better. The corgis aren't too keen on being in a box with that wretched cat, but they accept their lot in life.

Did anyone else just hallucinate that the noble Unicorn briefly turned into a, hm, not sure, maybe a female greyhound but I might have got that wrong as it was only for a moment.

FlappysMammy - as raising Flappy seems to have been a good influence on you, perhaps a festive meeting of adoptive dragon-parents and offspring would be nice. We're partial to Yule Log with our tea - real wood coated in chocolate (melted Toblerone will do), gets our fires well stoked up. I'll bring some more gold for the lad, Barry says the princess is owing it in missed offspring support payments.