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I don't have big piles.

998 replies

QueenMortifauxcado · 29/11/2016 21:26

Which is mightily impressive for sitting on a throne all day and existing primarily on carbs (and the odd avocado), isn't it?

Anyone else got an arse of steel?

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paxillin · 06/12/2016 21:27

I got married to KateMiddleclassificado then?? Man, I must have been shit-faced. I have absolutely no recollection. Do we have kids yet?

PrincessMortificado · 06/12/2016 21:30

Can I break character and say that has totally made my shitty and upsetting day?! Grin

What do you mean ??? in the fathers names?!

I know who the fathers are, you insulting trollop.

  • Zeus, father of Flappy, my only remaining child who wasn't murdered by Flappy2Faces (lawsuit for custody still pending, as are the child support payments in the meantime)
  • Handsome Horse/Man Thing at illegitimate's birthday party, father of that bloody Centaur we weren't allowed to eat
  • And ... wait. Is Dragon even mine? Surely nothing from my womb could go into trade? Ew.
PrincessMortificado · 06/12/2016 21:30

No darling, I had her killed before the wedding. worth it

paxillin · 06/12/2016 21:33

Oh. Suppose I'll remain with the plebs then. More potential brides.

TheMortificadosDragon · 06/12/2016 21:34

Kate was decapitated. Made a terrible mess. Good thing you can't remember it, prince.

PrincessMortificado · 06/12/2016 21:36

Chardonnay's about your type isn't she?

And if she's reading, I WANT MY TIARA BACK.

paxillin · 06/12/2016 21:41

Chardonnay will be a hit with the peasants.

paxillin · 06/12/2016 21:42

Decapitated? Before the wedding? Whatever for? I thought queenly heads only get cut off on failure to produce an heir and a spare?

QueenMortifauxcado · 06/12/2016 21:46

Better, Princess? I'm a little fuzzy on the dragon lineage thanks to fireproof paper having not been invented yet, the records are a mess. Dragon, would you kindly explain younger Dragon's lineage?

Technically no Prince, you were never legally married in life but the Middletificados paid a handsome sum for a ghost marriage so we managed to fudge the paperwork a bit.

I don't have big piles.
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TheMortificadosDragon · 06/12/2016 21:47

Poor Kate threatened the ranking of the Princess, so she guilt-tripped the Executioner into offing her iirc

TheMortificadosDragon · 06/12/2016 21:54

Dragon, would you kindly explain younger Dragon's lineage?

I wish I could. They appeared while I was knocked out by an interloping lady dragon, and the runty little swamp dragon, but also in the picture was GodMortificado who does claim to be Mother of Dragons. So either he's the son of god or of one 'HoneyDragon', by immaculate conception or otherwise. I'd forgotten this (I was concussed for quite a while after) so got confused when the princess started dropping odd offspring.

PrincessMortificado · 06/12/2016 21:54

I think you'll find that's propaganda, if you look into it properly Dragon.

You know, looking at that chart, I do believe that Flappy may be the current legitimate heir to the throne after Prince.

Where the hell is that lawyer? Our heir shouldn't be growing up in some skanky ski lodge!

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 06/12/2016 21:56

Dragon A festive meeting would be lovely, thank you! I have some gorgeous garden furniture that we could all lounge about on, and there are plenty of pines and firs and things here on the pistes - what about I do chocolate fondue and you can dip branches in the pot?

For savoury stuff we have chamois, bats, condors (imported by Flappy - he is so clever) and incognito dictators from many nations, so if you like Indian, Chinese, Russian, Korean etc food, we can supply. Also Nazis-in-hiding (I could barely believe it of that nice Mr Hilter and Mr Hillmer - who knew?) but they're pretty old and qualify as "jerky" I think. But I could make some cheese fondue to go with them.

I would be delighted to host the party here at the schloss for a small fee bring a bottle and some salad.

Princess - don't you dare try to get "maternal" about Flappy - he is legally, morally and emotionally my own child and I love him as much as if he was my own claw and scale. I have told him what a strumpet high-spirited trollope woman you are, and he wants nothing to do with you. He feels (as do I) that any woman worth her salt would have sat on her clutch of eggs until they hatched instead of leaving them where a hungry Pope could confit them abandoning them. He knows about your attempts to murder your Centaur child, and was shocked to the core.

And BTW - what happened to that screeching bliddy horror poor, dear little Harpy? We haven't heard her shrieking off-key dulcet tones for quite a while. What have you done with her? Monster! (

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 06/12/2016 22:03

And less of the "skanky ski lodge"! As it happens we bought a glass mansion off Roger Federer (he needed the money of new balls and it was SF6.500,00 well spent as an investment in Flappy's future).

And shout for Barry the LawyerMortificado as much as you like. I've called Saul!

()

TheMortificadosDragon · 06/12/2016 22:07

Hm, not sure all those dishes conform to the simple dragon preference for food ending in -at. Cat, bat, rat, aristocrat... I suppose the chamois is a go-at, and some of the others might be called autocrats?

Plus yule logs and the occasional scuttleful of coal, of course.

QueenMortifauxcado · 06/12/2016 22:14

Er so which one of these is correct?

I don't have big piles.
I don't have big piles.
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GodMortificado · 06/12/2016 22:45

Tremendous work on the family tree - I'm in the rightful place. At the top!
Halo

also breaking character to say 'Barry from Legal' gave me a right chuckle Grin

TeenageCentaurMortificado · 06/12/2016 22:46

Um Princess rentafoof is my mother.

UnicornMortificado · 06/12/2016 22:48

Only place for you, Unicorn, no one would take responsibility for you as a pet.
Wait... Does that mean I have to be responsible Shock this may be a problem... Grin

Did anyone else just hallucinate that the noble Unicorn briefly turned into a, hm, not sure, maybe a female greyhound but I might have got that wrong as it was only for a moment.
I'm sure it is an easy mistake to make dear dragon, we both have long legs, long necks, and shiny fur. I'm sure you just had one cup too many of your darling sons fabulous coffee and I didn't fail at changing my name

QueenMortifauxcado I feel for you, this family tree is getting worse, and I'm not sure any of them know who Flappys paternal parents are. Dear thing is probably safer with his adopted Mammy Hmm

PrincessChardonnayMortificado · 06/12/2016 23:47

OH.MY.GOD. are you trying to marry me off to my BROTHER?! Like hell am I giving this tiara back now. You are the WORST sister ever

... wait, if I marry the Prince does that make me the next QUEEN?!

paxillin · 07/12/2016 00:17

Yes, it does, Chardonnay. You do have a point about sibs not marrying though. Unless you can prove you are not the fruit of the King's loin, it's off.

PrincessChardonnayMortificado · 07/12/2016 01:50

TRUE STORY right, mum SAID she bonked the King and got YEARS of secret child support and ALL the latest gadgets but the truth is she was BATSHIT as in literally thought she was bat shit, that's how she died, tried to cling onto a bat from the top of a tower #lifegoals #reachyourdreams #skysthelimit #missyoumum

BTW just sent out a twatter denouncing myself as the king's loin fruit Xmas WinkXmas WinkWineCakeStarHalo #ringsizeL

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 07/12/2016 08:58

just sent out a twatter

Princess - if this was intentional it was inspired; Grin if it was accidental it is THE BEST AUTOCORRECT EVER!

I forgive you EVERYTHING, Autocorrect! EVERYTHING!

Grin
PrincessMortificado · 07/12/2016 09:19

Yeah, fuckit, I can handle having a Queen who can make me laugh when I'm not even pissed. Or am I? I can't tell. What's in this coffee? I do feel a bit odd. Brew

Go for it Prince. I probably won't kill this sister fiancée.

#itsnotincestifwesayitsnot

PopeMortificado · 07/12/2016 11:27

QueenMortifauxcado am loving your family tree work.

Although think GodMortificado should firmly be in the imposters!

And I don't think Kate Middletificado actually made it on to the family tree - so that should be a dotted line. I think the ExecutionerMortificado got there post-engagement but pre-wedding.

Among my favourites are Mortificops, NextDoorToTheMorificados, and your goodself Queen Mortifauxcado !!!