I don't have big piles.

[QueenMortifauxcado]

Which is mightily impressive for sitting on a throne all day and existing primarily on carbs (and the odd avocado), isn't it?

Anyone else got an arse of steel?

This is an announcement to say that the Queendom of Mortificadia has recieved a place in the hall of classics!

Unfortunately the sequel is receiving criticism due to obvious lack of plot funding. Luckily we're already contracted for a trilogy and a fourth installment inexplicably set in space.

My thread has made classics?! Yaaayyyyy!!!

Yes, Your Royal Lovelyness who doesn't have big piles. I suggest we start merchandising immediately to ensure funds for more booze the future of the Queendom.

My queen, I have experience as a spaceship if that helps?

Also a whopping headache.

I can only apologise for my activities on the castle parapet.

That may come in handy. Dragon, your antics were captured on camera and went viral on RueTube. Subsequently I've been able to commission a line of dolls. The queen's has the trademarked steel arse and the princess's interactive foof is going down a treat. Dragon, unfortunately yours was recalled, something about setting fire to a harpy.

Being able to offer interplanetary travel and also a nice Darjeeling is a rare set of talents. why can we only get mugs though, not nice bone china teacups?

Production costs. It's simply not in the budget. Mainly because our last set of fine china cracked in a house fire

You will all be delighted to now that I have commissioned *MortificadoTee-Shirts". There are a number of designs.

PrincessMortificado - "Often Licked But Never Beaten".

*ChefMortificado - "Do You Want Fries With That?"

*DragonMortificado - "#So Proud"

*SisterMortificado (singing) - "There's still More Whisky In The Knickers."

*ExecutionerMortificado - "If You Want To Get Ahead, Get An Axe'8

*HarpyMortificado - "SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!!!"

All have on them a picture of the culprit subject and are available in a variety of colours and sizes and are competitively priced. They can be made to measure for small fee.

(Suggestions for further tee-shirts will be gratefully received."

Oh, bugger - forgot the end asterisks . . .

I was going to suggest The Mortificado Inquisition - "NO ONE EXPECTS ME!" but Barry from legal keeps furiously shaking his head at me.

What's my shirt say?

QueenMortifauxcado - "Ladies And Gentleman - Start Up Your Livers! (And Drink Up,Tw*ts! - It's Your Round)

I'll take ten.

I hope you don't mean my picture on the #soproud one, if its the kid then I'll have several (XXXXL, flame retardant fabric please)

Oi? Where's my t-shirt?? If it wasn't for me you lot wouldn't exist!

Get your mitts OFF my ballgowns "Chardonnay". They're the only things the fucking griffins didn't eat.

If you're not going to make yourself useful and offer any help to your would-be loving family, then I'm done with you, and calling Mummy.

This thread is more of the drunken afterparty isn't it?

(I suppose it would be mean to point out to her that she's got that the wrong way round and that her existence depends entirely on her believers? Nah, she's harmless as deities go, don't want her to vanish in a puff of logic.)

Have you got a good slogan, god?

Too late sis, you'd never get into this one anyway. You're all on tshirts?! Am I going to be on a tshirt?!!!!!!!1 AM I FAMOUS NOW?

Tee-shirts

*GodMortificado - "If It Wasn't For Me You Wouldn't Exist - And I Can Change That Any Time I Like"

PrincessChardonnayMortificado - "Am I Famous Now?"

Dragon- I'll put the Kid on the #so proud one just for you. However, you are a popular crocodilian and I anticipate a huge demand for Tee-shirts with your magnificent picture on them. Have you a preferred slogan?

Crocodilian? Our last common ancestor with those toe-rags was in the Triassic, before you poxy mammals even got started.

Here dad, have some !

I made it fresh!

(2kids, run!)

Thanks TeaGuvnor

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Sorry great MortificadoDragon - it was an honest mistake that any exiled Papal Nuncio could have made. Please don't charcoal me! - I have a baby dragon to support. ()

Might I suggest your Tee-shirt bears the legend "Our last common ancestor with those toe-rag Crocodilians was in the Triassic, before you poxy mammals even got started. So don't P*ss me off!"

Teaguvnor - a tee-shirt with "Ooooh! Lovely!" (Which is what I say whenever I drink your delicious beverage) would suit you - or any slogan you like, seeing as how you've saved my life.

I will waive my fee.

You make a good cuppa -a simple talent compared to your others, but invaluable. Can you just check that she hasn't been calling poor little Flappy a crocodilian? If she has, he'll need counselling.

Bloody crocodilians have hardly even bothered evolving, since back then, hmph.

Well there's a burn if ever I saw one.

FlappysMammy your doll has just been released with multiple outfits to denote your many talents. Incidentally should your own shirt not read "I'll try anything (...for a small fee)"?