I don't have big piles.

[QueenMortifauxcado]

Which is mightily impressive for sitting on a throne all day and existing primarily on carbs (and the odd avocado), isn't it?

Anyone else got an arse of steel?

Look - this is a STYLE, right?

I don't expect you to understand seeing as you think "chic" is a baby bird, and still wear crimpelene trews with little footstraps under your Robes of State (and I would add that you are the only monarch IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD to wear acrylic-trimmed lycra to the opening of Mortificado Parliament - and there is a reason for that!).

I'll have you know my style is charity shop punk and the subjects love it. They can't identify with the frouffy dresses and cakeup look that's so common around here, frankly I'm not sure how the prince became a fashion icon in the first place.

Anyway, is that what crimpelene is? Bit before my time I think, chic. Are you sure you're not just jealous I can get away with lycra and have hair?

Actually you should give this look a go, your 'style' has a bit of a tank girl thing going on. Want to borrow my bazooka bra?

1. • No-one - NO-ONE - can "get away with" lycra.
2. • You do indeed have plenty of hair - pity that such a lot of it is on your upper lip and chin but at least you have started waxing your chest, I suppose
3. • That you for the offer of the bazooka bra, but Russian Army Surplus rubber underwear is very passe these days. I'll stick to my whalebone corsets, thank you very much.

BTW - quite a lot of the Crown Jewels seem to be on e-bay at the moment. Is the Princess short of ready cash again?

*Thank you - not "that you"

Dammit autocorrect - leave me some dignity will you?

1. LIES! And I don't care what you say, I'm going to that Tron party

2. RUDE! I've half a mind to hire you as the executioner and have you execute yourself.

3. Suit yourself but the legfish might have something to say about you wearing the bones of their mammalian cousins.

And we have crown jewels? Are they even worth anything?

Apparently not. Highest bid is 37p, and that includes postage.

That's pretty good going seeing as our munny is worthless now what can you get for 37p around here?

12 pints of MortificadoMonkey'sFingerOrganicAle, a bag of Gorgon scratchings and a pickled dragon's legfish egg.

Sounds like the start of a night out to me. Now how do we get our hands on that money?

You can relax now Your Maj - Barry in Accounts has done some "creative" numberwork via the Cayman Islands and Sir Philip Green's piggy bank, and the 37 Great British Pees are now nestling happily in your coffers.

Along with £6,008,757.98p that was lying about in the piggy bank doing sod all (Barry said it seemed a shame to leave it there, and asked me what to do with it - as your Loyal Subject, I told him to grab the lot!) It is untraceable, as Barry's nephew Shane (you know - the one with the spots and the tattoo of the carnivorous plant from "Little Shop of Horrors" on his neck. Yes you do! He picks his nose a lot and sings Ladysmith Black Mambaza hits. You do. Well - I'm not going to argue. He's a computer whizz and he has covered all of the necessary tracks for the small fee of a Harpy kebab and a can of Vimto.

Knock yourself out with the cash - but Barry and I would appreciate a pint. And not that Mortificadan muck, either.

You're welcome.

Well that all sounds rather fair, where does one get non-mortificadian ale though? The locals round here are very proud of their product and refuse to deal with imports. Also no one will actually trade with us.

Perhaps you could send us on an all-expenses=paid too week break toMustique.

*two, not too

Anyone seen four thousand Phoenixs around? Or was it three thousand?

Can't feel my legs.

Err there was one around here. Is it yours? If so I believe this decorating bill is yours to pay!

No! Phoenix belongs to no-one! She is her own hen!

The Princess's eggs are highly unlikely to be authentic phoenixes - er, phoeni . . . phoenids . . . phoenice - well, whatever the plural of phoenix is.

There is only ever ONE Phoenix.

Thy are probably giant Rocs or archaeopteryxes or summit.

Well I hope Phoenix has a job, Barry says this bill needs to be paid I'd not have bothered redecorating myself but apparently the charred remains of the decor posed something of a health hazard. And damned if I'm paying for yellow floral wallpaper, who even authorised that?!

Can't you take it out of Phil Green's piggy bank that Barry and I broke into for you?

Princess chose the wallpaper - it matched her complexion at the time. She was feeling a bit liverish. I told her Advocaat wasn't a health drink, but she insisted that if it had eggs in it, it must be full of birdly goodness.

BTW Princess - if you still can't feel your legs, they are waving in the air.

Been away. Fucking RL intervening. Been away for so long my TIO said "you haven't posted on any threads yet"!! I have now pissed off so many of "tomorrow's doctors" with my lecturing and marking I thought it was time to return to drinking and legfish. Shall read your adventures since 3rd April before critiquing.

welcome back

Right, Lurker still not really lurking, Her Maj failing with the mares and taking up aquatic pursuits instead, princess's legs in the air (any news?), dragon still won't eat the hideous fish and Happy found a clutch of eggs and wonders about phoenices. Not much going on in Mortificado, love it.

Yep, Pax.

Just another tale of ordinary country folk . . . .

Have we got ghosts again? I just ran into the landlord outside ranting on about a repossession.

Is anyone thinking of us?