I don't have big piles.

[QueenMortifauxcado]

Which is mightily impressive for sitting on a throne all day and existing primarily on carbs (and the odd avocado), isn't it?

Anyone else got an arse of steel?

Well, I don't think this particular cross has been attempted often. The outcome depends on which genes are inherited. One combination leads to a fabulous winged fiery horse. At the opposite extreme, it's ready-cooked kebabs.

Ooh that flaming horse thing sounds cool. I'm claiming it, it's mine. Same for the kebabs. Someone make some fireproof armour and whip up a salad.

Is HappyFlappy unconscious? Was is my wine?

I quite like self-cooking horses.

Not unconscious - but I may have gone blind . . .

Its OK, just your Papal mitre fallen down over your eyes. It always was a bit big, they only make them in men's size.

as he only poos rainbows he is a joy to be with
She and thank you nice to know I was missed!

Sorry for disappearing all the talk of cream cakes made me peckish, I've been trying to source unicorn pastries! (Brightly coloured cream filled horn shaped pastries) can I have a drink? Although preferably not dear brewers new batch, he still hasn't explained what happened to the last one!

Where is Phoenix? Miss her.

Whereas the sex of dragons is deliberately cryptic, you'd have thought they could tell with an equine, wouldn't you?

TBH I think Phoenix was just finding it a bit wet and chilly, but may well return when its properly springtime.

Its OK, just your Papal mitre fallen down over your eyes

Oh, thank CHRIST!

I was worried sick. I thought I might have to stop drinking Pax's liquor . . .

She

Ooops! Sorry Unicorn - knowing your species passion for virgins I assumed that you were all male and reproduced by fission or something.

I had thought that Phoenix was with you, but she came in this morning looking the worse for wear and has been necking paracetamol for two hours. Apparently she woke up in a skip outside an abandoned British Home Stores with the Harpies and the Gorgon. She'd accidentally set the rubbish on fire and barbecued the Gorgon. Fortunately the Harpies (which are not fussy) et it, so there is no evidence that will land her in court.

The Mortificado Rozzers just told her to "move along now" and "mind how you go". They both accepted a Gorgon Kebab, despite being on duty. I may report them.

I thought I had replied but obviously not too many cream pastries!

dragon it is fairly obvious

knowing your species passion for virgins who said they have to be female or even of the opposite sex I'm a very modern unicorn

Glad that Phoenix was OK, though I hope she didn't eat any gorgon, boak not envy, not good for the digestion at all. Do report the rozzers! Though I suspect after eating a gorgon kebab they may be suffering enough.

Sneaking in, weary from a day of bunfighting. Any of my marvellous wine left?

If cream cakes are for eating and buns are for fighting... what are choux buns for?

Surely that depends on whether they are filled with cream or not

Well obviously I meant the cream filled kind... are there even other kinds?

Anyway I'm not sure you're qualified to criticise royalty, you're clearly terrible at your job, lurker.

There's a lot more attitude around here since the executioner left, isn't it time we filled that position? They can double as a butcher so we can finally have a barbeque without it taking days.

Interested prospects can apply by filling in the blank: You can't have _ without slaughter.

I've found a nest full of red hot eggs in the cupboard under the stairs.

Phoenix swears blind that they are nothing to do with her. I believe her. Apparently a Phoenix only lays a single egg every 3,000 years - the rest of the time they just regenerate in flames, a bit like The Doctor, but with feathers.

Princess - is this your slack-fannied doing?

Queen - my suggestion for the blank is "You can't have a party* without slaughter"

*or wedding/ baptism/ revolution/ egg and cress sandwich/ manicure

• bearing in mind that all of these alternatives apply to Mortificado.

Do I get a prize?

I was thinking along the lines of 'you can't have a confitted dragon's egg omelette without slaughter'

Look! I'm sorry, right?

I was in the throes of the "Professional Masterchef Finals", and still grieving because Judge Rinder, the Campalicious Orange God of the Small Claims Court, had been chucked off "Strictly" (He was ROBBED! There is a lot of jealousy there, I tell you).

I was carried along in the moment and got over excited by eggs with blue yolks and green whites. (Don't pretend that "green whites" is confusing. You know fine well what I mean.)

It won't happen again unless I find another batch of scaley eggs.

I promise.

Anyway - you ate some of my legfish. They were nearly evolved, too.

Any idea what these other eggs might be? Do you think they will confit well, or should I just scramble them? Is the Princess around? Or conscious? Or sober?

I did not eat your nasty legfish.

I've investigated the mysterious hot eggs, turns out they're just Kraft's latest attempt at mucking about with Creme Eggs which went even more badly wrong than last year's, so they decided to offload them here, as this sovereign monarchy isn't protected by any EU or US food regulations.

Well that's a relief because I went shopping for one of those firey horses after the last disappointment and it's not lived up to expectations. In fact I've named the damn thing Buyer's Remorse and it's outside torching the grounds as we speak. The stable's gone up in flames and if anyone asks I was definitely not at the Grand National of Mortificado, okay? I was err... fishing.

"fishing" -

Yes. Fishing.

Really?

You were "fishing"?

Yes. Fishing. Or having a bath. Anyway, I was definitely not at the GN and have absolutely nothing to do with that whole disaster that I know nothing about . Horse burger, anyone?

Oh, gon on, then. I'll have one.

No hoof in it though - I'm keratin-intolerant.