I don't have big piles.

[QueenMortifauxcado]

Which is mightily impressive for sitting on a throne all day and existing primarily on carbs (and the odd avocado), isn't it?

Anyone else got an arse of steel?

I am indeed fructist. It isn't polite. I eat barely cooked meat and fish. I have no need for greengrocers.

I love public eating threads, everyone gets so angry. I think I get caught up in the excitement and claim it is the height of barbarism to eat so much as a nut on a train or it is too ridiculous for words to mind a full McDonald's on a packed bus. And two days into an angry bunfight I realise I don't give a shit.

I used to eat cream cakes in public just to annoy passers by.

Have you all been locked up for buying books off flappy? I did suspect she was selling customer lists to the Government Of Mortificado.

No, I've been out conducting an experiment to see if eating cream cakes in public annoys people. It doesn't seem to annoy them exactly- mostly the sight of an (increasingly) large dragon inhaling eclairs is either incredulity or abject terror. I can't imagine why, I mean it's not as though I'm likely to want to eat them rather than choux pastry, chocolate and cream.

It's because you're inhaling them, dragon. The correct way is to ensure you've smeared cream and preferably jam filling all over your face like some kind of patisserie heathen.

The terror comes from thinking you're after their cakes, no doubt.

I used to live near a bakery and bought my flatmate eclairs every day, he ate them without enthusiasm. I don't like them. I bought them because the baker called them le clarks. Never failed to cheer me up at 7am.

How can anyone be so unenthralled by pastry? It's worshipped here, as it rightly should be.

That baker sounds a bit bonkers. Is it some evolvement from choux to shoe to clarks? did he have odd names for other baked goods?

Maybe I need to tweak the design of my experiment. What's the most annoying cream cake to consume in public, in your experience, your majesty? And where might be the optimal location?

Cream slice - highest cream to pastry ratop and good mess factor. Shopping centers are good, for optimal results, right outside middle class clothes shops. Avoid the food court, you'll be lost in a sea of incompetent eaters and no one will notice.

*ratio that should say

I would eat le clarks if filled with a generous helping of beef. Baker called everything by its normal name and le clarks were spelled eclair.

I saw a woman eat a banana on the tube not long ago. Dipping it in a pot of cream between bites. That would get a few people hot under the collar.

If I managed to squeeze in through the door of a shopping centre, I sure as heck wouldn't be able to get out again after completing my experiment.

I thought you guys can just breathe a hole into a wall? Just make some adjustments to the doors.

Of course I could do that, but it's terribly rude to remodel other people's buildings without permission.

I did accidentally obliterate a branch of Lush on my last visit to town; merely walking by outside unfortunately made me sneeze violently. I'm inclined to think that was a public service.

I hate to think what burned soap smells like. Lush is bad enough untorched. Widening doors is a public service, too. No more "after you-no, after you..." Embarrassed British Dance and it allows mobility scooters and quad buggies in, too.

Widening doors is a public service, too

Not if the frames are load-bearing. I don't suppose princes worry too much about structural engineering.

Has anyone seen the Phoenix?

We were having a party (What a fanny-on! The Basilisk is on the Atkins, the Manticore is gluten intolerant and a small Imp set fire to the lucky bags ).

Anyway, the last time I saw her she was flirting outrageously with the Unicorn . . .

No, haven't seen hide nor hair (or feather) of the pair of them for a while.

Did someone say party ?

I shall just sit here and drink my bottle of plonk all alone then. Lightweights.

Here, Pax pour me one.

I need it. I've got a horrible feeling that I'm going to find a clutch of uni-horned eggs somewhere.

I thought the Phoenix had more sense. I mean, the Unicorn is stunningly gorgeous, and as he only poos rainbows he is a joy to be with, but surely Phoenix should have learned from the bad example of the Princess who has no bloody idea what she has given birth to half the time.

Perhaps we could re-home them as "designer firelighters" . . .

Bloody hell!

This stuff is BAD! The Mortificadobrewer has been experimenting again I expect.

Oh well. Fill it up. It's better than Harpic - just.

So what happens when a unicorn and a phoenix reproduce? I'm hoping it's burgers. Fire and horsemeat sounds like a barbecue to me.