I don't have big piles.

[QueenMortifauxcado]

Which is mightily impressive for sitting on a throne all day and existing primarily on carbs (and the odd avocado), isn't it?

Anyone else got an arse of steel?

Are you mad?! Chips?! For a baby?! Are you trying to poison the poor thing?!

Wait! There's a public phone box? Does it still work? Is it red?

Can the pterodactyl not eat those hideous fish before they develop speech?

Dear god, do any of you have any idea how difficult it is to fish bits of broken dinosaur egg out of your foof?!

And no the Wyvern isn't mine, and I'm insulted that you think any Mortificado would be seen dead in a "public" telephone booth

It IS red, Unicorn And it works. People seem to book a lot of french lessons, if the cards on the walls are anything to go by - and yet very few people in Mortificado are bilingual. Funny, that.

Queen - 90% of the kids in Mortificado have chips as a first weaning food before they are 3 weeks old, as well you know, due to the faff and carry on of providing milk in one form or another, and chips being readily available from chip shops. It's only a small portion - hardly more than a pound.

Too late re: the fish Pax- they already talk. And actually they're not hideous - just numerous, and crawling all over the lawn on stumpy little finlegs? - legfins? - fligs? - leggins? Whatever.

And constantly muttering on how evolution isn't everything it's cracked up to be and can they have some maggots. If it wasn't for all of the whinging I'd find them quite charming as well as delicious.

Princess - I think we both know the truth regarding the Mortificado Royal Family and "public" places, don't we?

do any of you have any idea how difficult it is to fish bits of broken dinosaur egg out of your foof?!

I think ALL of us are delighted to be able to reply in the negative to that question, Your Highness.

I will not have my child eating chips of any kind! He will be raised as a royal Mortificadian with correct nutrition. I have no doubt the royal brats' problems are down to eating chips as a child, it is not happening!

But as it turns out I can't actually cook so someone be a dear and tether Mr Bitey to the unicorn so he can be taken outside for some legfish.

And don't be tempted to check out the phone box, unicorn, he gets extra bitey around red things.

Are these 'French lessons' booked with the princess by any chance?

I'll take the pterodactyl out, but I need some armour because if he bites me I'll deliver him to Flappy freshly skewered 😒
Also are you sure he can't have chips? Legfish and chips is surely a delicacy we could sell as well as feed him? Or legfishfingers? (Can these be called fish limbs/toes?) Homemade of course!

They are Unicorn.

She must make her pupils work hard, too, as she describes herself as a "Strict Disciplinarian" another is a line drawing a cane.

*and there, not another

*rolls, nor rols

Most equine armour is strangely lacking in leg protection. Can I suggest you get a horse onesie run up in chainmail?

Meanwhile, I suppose I'd better take the little blighter out. If I get a long leash I can start his (or is it hers? Darned if I know or care) flying lessons.

I thought as much Flappy
Dragon do you know where might I get a set? Sounds like a good idea having heard about mythical creatures life expectancies round here.

Did the pterodactyl eat everyone?

It looks quite satisfied, maybe it ate the horned horse unicorn.

No, it ate quite a few legfish and one of the smaller trolls. It may turn out to be one of the more useful members of the household after all.

Those are my Legfish! I luffs them!!!

Keep your bleedin' pterodactyl under control Queenie!

NOBODY IS ABOVE THE LAW!!!!!!

And leave the Unicorn alone as well Poor little mythical creature, searching all of Mortifcado for a virgin . . .He'll be lucky!

Well, Flappy, if they are your fucking pet fish you put them in a tank. A tank with a lid, ideally non-transparent. They are hideous. Otherwise I'll get some pet crocs. It's like the bullfrog plague all over again.

They are NOT hideous!

And they can't go in a tank as they are evolving and need to be free range.

Crocs are the WORST SHOES EVER!

You will lose what little street cred you have.

I AM THE LAW!!!!!

... has anyone seen the unicorn yet? Only I was quite looking forward to unicorn steak for dinner. You know, if it died of natural causes or whatever.

If anything has happened to that Unicorn, there will be hell to pay.

Flappy really likes it and the two of them spend hours on the X-box - despite the difficulties with claws and hooves.

I'm not dead, nor been eaten! I was just away finding someone to make me some chainmail as the good dragon suggested. Had a cup of coffee on the way back, and managed to lose a day or two, must have been some of Flappys' coffee.
He'll be lucky! I'm a she but don't worry its an easy mistake I've made it myself. Also I've given up on the search for virgins, I think they are more mythical than me.
The leg fish are getting cuter, plus they keep the darned corgis off the grass! -Did anyone manage to get some hay?
How is Flappy doing? Is he still insisting Xbox is better? clearly the mortificado station is superior

Yes, theres's a fresh bale of hay in the stableyard. The peasant said I was welcome to take as much as I wanted so long as I removed the harpy from his head.

Oh. That's a shame wonderful, unicorn. I've arranged a nice rosemary and thyme back rub for you in the castle spa to celebrate.

By the way, who left the window open? And has anyone seen Mr Bitey?

Finished preparing my costume for World Bloody Book Day tomorrow. CBA to do much, so I am taking daddy's skull in to be Prince Hamlet.