I don't have big piles.

[QueenMortifauxcado]

Which is mightily impressive for sitting on a throne all day and existing primarily on carbs (and the odd avocado), isn't it?

Anyone else got an arse of steel?

Yes - stay here where we have built up an immunity to you love you.

I am irritating, but then you all are, too .

I should hope so!

If I don't p*ss off at least three people a day, then I consider myself a failure.

Luckily my personality alone usually achieves more than my target the minute I open my mouth/set finger to keyboard.

Thanks for the

*Wipes mouth - notes.

*Not dies - not notes

If anything goes wrong this time, I'm giving up

Dies from a bottle of gin. Lightweight.

X post. Doesn't die from a bottle of gin. As you were.

Where are my dragons? I negotiated the cost down to less than three dollars each by making a note about it on Twitter. I'm very good at doing that. You won't read about that in the MortificadoPress #fake.

It was pretty good strong gin though Pax. It's taken the lining off my oesophagus (always the mark of an excellent vintage).

Been making it yourself in the bath again? Hope you took the coal out...

Dragons were delivered by Yodel and I have a signature for them (the driver's signature, but it's a signature).

Apparently there was no answer at the door of the White House so the driver threw them all over the back fence into the garden. They have been there a while - there is always the possibility that they have devoured each other.

When you sue the arse off contact Yodel, and get told to p*ss off your compensation, would I be able to interest you in some harpies?

They're nice and screechy.

Have another , Flappy. There are several dragons still around, Trump. All the clever ones. The stupid ones disclosed their sex and killed each other. The survivors gave a lecture on dragonology.

Maybe you could bring some hogs for the roast.

Have you tried space star ordering? Much more reliable than yodel I'm told.

Queen, he's rich and he wants to be loved. Get him to bring stuff! Hogs, booze...

I was hoping to convince him to stand atop the big hill and yell orders into space but I suppose your thing works too.

Aw - thanks Pax.

My word, thish goo' shtuff.

Bored.

I hear you'll be putting your glad rags and bling on and entertaining TrumpMortificado soon, Queen? You going to get the golden coach out, too? Dragons could pull it for the full experience? Maybe he'll bring a hog.

You want me to do what now? Tell you what, you take the rags and get in the coach. Boredom solved. I'll take the hog though, have we even managed to roast one yet?

Do I get the bling, too?

can you be trusted with it? Only I made it myself out of plastic munny when the real queen refused to give me the crown. I'm quite proud of it.

Just the one with the Koh-i-Noor please.

Ah yes, the hidden pencil case model. Did you mean the one with the mechanical clutch or full colour pencil set?

If I'm sitting in a golden coach with TrumpMortificado and a hog, I want some real bling, not an art project. Think of the pictures, I'd be representing Mortificado!

Well then you should have asked for the caran d'ache!

You do the stupid tour yourself then. I'll get pissed at the state dinner, is he going to speak? You will have to pretend undying love and friendship and giggle like you did for ObamaMortificado.