I don't have big piles.

[QueenMortifauxcado]

Which is mightily impressive for sitting on a throne all day and existing primarily on carbs (and the odd avocado), isn't it?

Anyone else got an arse of steel?

'Tis too early to drink. Can't do this thread sober. We could do a hog roast whilst waiting for gin o'clock I suppose.

Yes, but only orange ones

Where do we get a hog? Don't the dragons do all the food fetching?

Do you mind? I was sleeping!

Not easy with fourteen harpies nesting nearby.

If you can procure a hog, I'll roast it for you.

Fine, I have a few baby hogs. Here you go, happy to get rid of them frankly.

Oh no, baby hoglets are far too cute (and tbh not enough eating on them anyway, for the unsentimental)

Want something done right ... grumble grumble

Thanks Queen. I love this salt and sweet stuff. Very, very nice

Why does Princess have 14 harpies? Wasn't one of the doubly incontinent, screechy little f*ckers precious little darlings enough?

Can we not just have barbecued harpy for lunch? We can fondue them and dip them in melted Toblerone and orange smarties.

Harpy sorbet, Queen?

It's Heston Blumenthal recipe, but I left out the cinnamon.

Why would you leave out the cinnamon?! It's my favourite

I didn't think it would complement the harpy entrails. I left the snail porridge compote in.

Cinnamon complements everything, that's part of its charm. Not so sure about the porridge though...

Well - have a spoonful and tell me what you think.

I have a couple of kilos of cinnamon here and can easily add some if you think it would add to the je ne sais quoi of this unique palate excoriator cleanser.

Chew carefully though. There are scales and toenails in there. Freezing them down may have made them murderously brittle like shards of glass. On the other hand, it's better than finding yourself with a mouthful of Oreos like you get in some ice-creams.

The tart princess is back!

When Iread "tart princess", I thought at first that you were implying that there was someone on this thread who was a better cook than me - then I realised the truth.

Yes - she's back. New and improved with added harpies.

Snail porridge? first you confit poor defenceless unhatched dragons, now you've gone and massacred my entire snail racing stable!(one of the lesser known dragon passtimes)

Here - snail porridge is a universally-loved Heston delicacy. I think that even Greg the Gurning Grocer likes it!

There is nothing wrong with eating relish-covered smarties. You are just not adventurous enough in your eating habits.

(And if I hadn't confitted those dragon eggs the entire Queendom of Mortificado would be aflame by now).

Got no hog lets, I'm afraid.

I can do you a honey-roast harpy if you like. I'll sprinkle cinnamon on it.

When I said hog roast I didn't mean snail or harpie dishes. 1 nice big pig, dead. Take out guts, burns off fur. Stick it on a spit, mouth to other end, turn over an open fire or in front of a hissing dragon. Apple in mouth, parsley in ears, serve hot.

Just kill that fucking hog and put it on a spit. Cinamon vol-au-vents my arse. You need a big stick and a fire. This is Mortificado not Versailles

Versailles!