I don't have big piles.

[QueenMortifauxcado]

Which is mightily impressive for sitting on a throne all day and existing primarily on carbs (and the odd avocado), isn't it?

Anyone else got an arse of steel?

I've been, ahem, kissing around. All those frogs you have to kiss for a princess.... it's Christmas party time, too.

I've not been arsed to name change back and am finding it vaaaairry amusing at the number of other Mortificados in the mumsnet realm just not here

Its the Mortificadian diaspora.

I'm trying to close this wretched hellmouth in time for Christmas. ^
^
Thank you so much to everyone who's offered to help oh no wait no one replied to my texts

Texts? FFS, if you'd just stuck to tried and tested means of communication like sending out heralds you might have got somewhere.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Have you all been good little Mortificado boys and girls this year?

boys and girls

oh, that's a bit species-ist. Many of our youngsters are non-human or hybrids, you know.

You are quite right but I'm afraid due to budgetary cuts me and the Mrs are running a speciesist operation here and have done for ...well... centuries. It's hard enough getting round everyone in a 24 hr period let alone adding in dragons, hybrids, pets and all.

I mean where would you draw the line? Where? I need to lie down in a dark room even thinking about it. Frogs? Tadpoles? Amoebas?

If any Mortificado non-human minors have been a good dragon/centaur/mermaid/hybrid and write me a nice letter AND have been good (including not killing anyone or having incestuous sexual relationships), then I will see what I can do.

Tadpoles and amoebas can't unwrap pressies. Don't be daft . Frogs - well, if you want to risk pissing off an enchanted prince or princess...

I know for a fact that in previous years the corgis have received presents, which they gleefully unwrap. So did that wretched cat.

I can sort of understand you excluding dragons because well... there have been chimney mishaps, and the occasional unfortunate incident of flying reindeer being mistaken for exciting prey. But Flappy is such a good little chap, much better behaved than most of the human brats (tbh all the children do is whinge). I suppose the kid has missed his chance, even though he was only hatched this year, due to his accelerated development.

Oh! xpost. The corgis can't write. They're also beyond puppyhood, but that's never stopped you in previous years. Surely you've got the odd bone you can wrap for them? (the kid has done the maths, the wear and tear on reindeers going at near-relativistic speeds must burn them out pretty quickly. Really you'd be much better off with a heat-resistant species which can fly anyway, just saying...)

Tadpoles and amoebas can't unwrap pressies. Don't be daft

Dangerous turf Dragon, dangerous turf.

Plenty of human children can't unwrap presents. We try to be inclusive here and non-discriminatory (within the species we primarily deal with).

I was off talking with the production company since you all refused to work on the new show. Nowt I could do, we've been cancelled. Apparently a mentally ill monarch and a horse in a sheet isn't good enough, did you have to use a floral one? Where's the brewer?

And 'Closing the hellmouth', Princess, is that what you're calling it now? I don't think anyone here wants to assist with that but you might try the tavern down the road, turns out you have a lot of fans in there, very interested in your 'hellmouth', bought up all the after hours footage.

Hell's Bells!

What have I missed?

Not a single Merry Mortificadomas?

I think everyone was lying low until Slaughter was well out of the way. Either that or he got the rest of them.

Merry Mortificadosmas!

I was playing PS4 with the young dragons, and half bloods and not sneaking all the Mortificados alcohol when everyone was comatose

I did wonder why the floor was sticky.

Oh well! Thank you very much!

I know when I'm not wanted!

()

Woke up from four-day postprandial snooze. Christmas is fun.

Oh thank god, the last time an executioner turned up around here it did not end well for me.

What are we all up to for New Years then?

And why am I covered in what seems to be green slime? Bloody teenagers!!

Well, my beloved dragon son, Flappy, went through accelerated puberty over Christmas. He shouted, shrieked and slammed doors on the rare occasions that I could get him away from his X-box. He picked fights with everyone (sorry about that, Mme Lagarde - when he heard that you were President of the International Monetary Fund he thought it was a bit unreasonable for you not to slip him a few quid - teenagers are like that). I was a bit more worried about him being cheeky to Ban Ki-moon, then I remembered that the UN doesn't actually do anything anyway, so there probably wouldn't be any repercussions.

Anyway - his whole adolescence was completed over the Christmas break, when everyone was fighting and screaming at each other anyway, so it passed almost unnoticed. Apart from him getting really sick on Bailey's Mint, and vomiting flames all over Herr Hilter and his bff, Herr Hillmer (a tragic loss to Switzerland's Gold-Owning community, as their obituarist, Herr Bomrann, commented) it was a pretty uneventful rite of passage. And anyway, I'm sure most young male dragons accidentally immolate at least one despot during their formative weeks when they are learning to control their fiery ejaculative impulses.

Excellent, you could hardly hope for a better puberty. The ridiculously long time humans take over it explains a ^lot.

I'm hoping that @BrewerDragonofMortificado has got something special lined up for New Year's Eve.

Has brewer dragon explained what was in the coffee yet?
Sorry for disappearing someone painted my horn up like a party hat took forever to get the paint off!
Glad to hear little Flappys puberty passed relatively uneventfully. He should try the baileys caramel (hoping it wasn't limited edition) or the baileys lux (again hoping not a limited edition) so much nicer than the mint!

Good to hear Flappy is doing well. I'd make a toast but we seem to be somewhat lacking in booze