I don't have big piles.

[QueenMortifauxcado]

Which is mightily impressive for sitting on a throne all day and existing primarily on carbs (and the odd avocado), isn't it?

Anyone else got an arse of steel?

DO NOT DRINK THE COFFEE

... more will be revealed in time

Here, have some more in the meantime. Turns out it's much safer. TRUST ME.

I'm an abstemious creature, fortunately the tea is fine.

Do you have any clue who your birth parents are btw? Any messages or gifts from any of the individuals I've mentioned- or am I wide of the mark. Anything could have happened while I was unconscious.

NO I meant twatter it's the latest social media of Mortificado, the peasants introduced me to it on that night out with the prince where we definitely didn't make out as siblings nope not us. Why do you not know this? GOD you're all so OLD.

I thought t'watter was what they use to make tea in Betty's tearooms.

Dragon

No no I've heard of it too. I'm young. I #twat all the time! I still get ID'd, honest!

#twat #cool #hip
#notdesperate
#life

#hip is SO 5 decades ago, just how old ARE you? #whataspinster #nolifegoals

Well Pope it's not really clear who God is in relation to the family. Mother of dragons? General deity of the queendom? Interdimensional traveller? Hopefully she'll be along soon to clear this up as I've two versions here and don't know which to go with.

KateMiddletificado was married AFTER the murder in something of a ghost marriage so technically still counts. I'm going to have to start colour coding this aren't I?

What happened to all the coffee?

fake mother is posing as fake sister?

PRINCE!

AND YOU CALLED ME OLD!

Well, the ghost is up. I'd quite liked being part time stand in for the Queen and had hoped to secure a genuine position in the line of royalty. I suppose I'll cancel the hits. Just as well as I seem to have found my calling as a genealogist.

I'll keep the twatter feed though - 5 followers, not giving up that kind of traffic!

All in the name of throne, Princess, don't take it personally

I quite liked having a sister.

#whatsthepointinhashtagsanymoreeven

Any comments I make about you Princess, feel free to rake as personally as you like!

QueenMortifauxcado - you're not giving up the day job, are you?

Come and do your genealogy here in the fresh clean mountain air of the Swiss Alps with me. You can sit on my new garden furniture and we'll have a good gossip over Gluhwein and Toblerone. (Purely platonic, I hasten to add - I don't know what your personal inclinations are, but I'm saving myself for MortificadoTenthDoctor, if he exists - otherwise I'll stay celibate, thank you very much. Plus, I have a dragon to consider - he's getting his amulet for Mortificadomas and so will be entering puberty soon. He will soon be slamming belfry doors every five minutes and storming off and the will take all of my time and energy,

Just didn't want you to get the wrong idea. I just want a bit of gossip from the Old Country. (Especially if you've got any about the Old C^t - how is the Princess* these days?

Don't worry Princess, my research tells me your father's loin fruit is spread far and wide, it seems your wandering foof may be hereditary and I'm sure many more siblings are afoot.

I'm sure you'd all miss me far too much so I shall be keeping the title, it lends credibility to my new venture The Munny Makers Guild of Mortificado which is currently doing quite well from all the merchandising. Say, FlappysMammy you wouldn't be interested in joining the guild with your wonderful array of t-shirts and merchandise? There may be a small fee involved...

#socialmediamarketingOBVIOUSLY #queensontwatter #twatforlife

Are you all still thinking of us?

We're thinking of you.

Did someone say something?

Oh! A shiver just ran down my spine there - almost as though there were GhostChildrenOfMortificado walking over my grave. ()

QueenMortifauxcado - thank you for the invitation. I would be delighted to join The Munny Makers Guild of Mortificado - especially as you are offering me a small fee. ( )

Excuse me though - I have to dig out my weedgie board. There's some funny stuff going on round here.

No no, I was offering a small fee in exchange for all copyright and licenses to be transferred to the Munny Makers Guild just sign here, don't worry about the small crossed out print.

Ooh, you know what folks, a haunted castle could bring in tourists from all over Now where's that night vision camera and invisible string?

We didn't say "think of exploiting the children"

Exploiting the children?!?!

Try talking to my UncleMortificado. I am his pawn.

When I said ghost castle this isn't quite what I meant. Where is everyone? So far all I've got is two days footage of Jane talking to herself.

Still here Queen Mortifauxcado but we don't show up so well on camera. I have noticed some weird noises and flitting shapes in the corner of my vision though...

I'm still here Queen but I think we've lost the plot in a very literal sense.

There is no narrative driving the thread.

The House of Mortificado and Mysterious Bone

Once upon a time there was a very handsome devil of a Pope. He was the first PopeMortificado of the famous House of Mortificado and did I mention, very handsome and very wise.

A perfect paragon of Papalness.

All was well in VaticanLand until one day on a search for a bottle of his favourite Domaine de la Romanee-Conti Romanee-Conti Grand Cru, the PopeMortificado discovered something unexpected in the Vatican Wine Cellars . . .