Life changing decisions NEED YOUR HELP PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE

[Chandra]

I'm growing desperate with this situation so any coments will be highly welcome, even to say that I'm crazy, I need a reality check.

1. DH got a six month job in England. I agree to come because it was only six months and I knew it was going to be very difficult for me to get a job here as my profession is very related to language, and English is not my native language.

2. Six years later we are still here with the permanent promise that this is the last year before going home.

3. I have found it impossible to get a job, I have sent more than 500 applications, re-trained in different subjects but it seems that I'm overqualified for entry level jobs, but because I have not been working in some years, I have no recent experience and do not qualify for senior level jobs. English language is still an issue.

4. I have found it really frustrating not being able to find a job, and the relationship with DH is also being affected as I am very resentful about the fact that he has not wanted to move to a place where we both could work because he is very happy at his current job.

5. 3 years ago I was so fed up with the situation that decided to leave even though I loved him a lot. We went to Relate and we agreed that we will be moving back in 2 yrs time. We agreed that I was going back to university to get a MA (a second one) to keep me busy while he finished one of his projects.

6. 1/2 year later he got another project and forgot that we have said that we would move last year.

7. He has done it again! he told me this evening that we are staying here for 3 more years. This ruins any oportunity for me to get back to my profession -is already very difficult now-. I have a baby now and I feel very lonely as I don't have any family around.

8. I told him that I have serious doubts that our marriage will survive that long as I continue to get increasingly frustrated, I feel that his job is far more important for him than me, and that he will always put it before our hapiness.
   I also said that I would leave at the end of my studies and he said that it was OK but that he couldn't go because he needs to continue working in this new project which he believes is going to make him rich.

9. I'm very afraid of leaving and finding difficult to get a job in my country-it has been years since I worked in my profession-, I'm worried about how I am going to cope with all the living expenses and nursery costs when I go back, the easiest thing will be to stay, but during all these years I have been so depressed that I have been in prozac several times, had pnd, and also SAD, I'm so desesperate that sometimes I think that there's no way forward and no way back and I feel like the easiest thing would be just to kill myself. He knows this but he still thinks that is important to stay.

Sorry for the lenght of this post but here comes the question, should I leave him? do you think he loves me?

bump

JJ I am, the problem is because I have been unemployed for a logn time it is going to be difficult to get one soon. That's one of the reasons I feel that there's no way forward or back...

Chandra, you sound like a fantastic lady!!! My advice to you is you should start up your own bussiness (possibly in advertising as this was your background), i'm sure it'll be succesful, you sound like an ambitious kind of person and you'll be doing fine. It doesn't necessarly have to be turning millions of pounds, but a decent job, something for you to focus on and be your own creation. you can make a difference to your own life if you really want to. there are grants available for setting up bussinesses and there must be lots of advice on the internet, from the inland revenue and your local bank (the bussiness accounts section). it's all free and would help you shape a bussiness plan and get going. start from home and move onto bigger things (if you want) later. you'll be great at it!!! just choose something you'd enjoy doing or you're good at and do some market research.i wish you the best of luck!
xxx

i was actually wondering if you and your dh are from different countries. if your native country 9wher you'd like to live presumably) is not his own country, would he actually mind living there? just a thought. the bottom line is, i gather, you wouldn't as much worry about which country you live in as long as you have a fullfiling career yourself. am i anywhere near right in any of these here??!!

Branster you are right, wherever a fullfiling career is. Not so convinced about my own business as I have tried it many years ago and concluded that I work best when I have the "structure" that a conventional job provides

But in the bright side, I don't want to be over optimistic about it but I have very good news . I have spoke to DH today and showed him the thread, he was a bit annoyed about being called selfish but it seems that he finally understood that I have a completely different view of the problem, it also helped that I have been weeping non stop since yesterday night and that I told him that I have already taken some steps for leaving him - I had the secret plan of leaving since some weeks ago, and some friends were already looking for a position for me over there and, have also started sorting accomodation-. We have agreed, and hopefully he won't change his mind again, that after I finish with my dissertation I will try to get an agency (here or in my country) to let me work with them even for free so I can have some recent work to show when asking for a proper job in the future.

He has agreed to leave but we need to decide to where, so once the dissertation is finish I will start finding info about which of our countries presents the best option. If his project works as expected he may be allowed to continue working in it from away, if they don't allow him he will start looking for a job out of England .

We are still going to Relate, as I really want to make this decission stronger and I'm thinking in getting a signed agreement with a witness saying that if he change his mind again, it's over.

Thank you so much for being so helpful, it has made a great difference. I'm so happy!!!

Bunglie, thanks for being so kind of "bumping" my thread.

I have been following your story all day Chandra. I did not feel I had any real advice that I could give except my support. You have been getting great advice and I am glad you are feeling better.
Isn't mumsnet wonderful. It should be bottled and put in a tablet, to be taken at needs of personal crisis. The drug companies would go out of buisness.
There is no substitute for being able to talk through your problems and if mumsnet has helped you how it has helped me then I am glad.
I do not mean this to be a 'plug' or anything, but is it not worth paying a subscription if you can afford a little something, so that a rescource like this can continue?

Yes, definitively, I paid mine some months ago, the day I get a job I'm going to make a donation

This is fantastic Chandra!!! And you and dh must have a good relationship if you showed him this thread. From his point of view probably he must really enjoy his work and for a man it often is central to their existance. That's the way they are programmed But you obviously crave your own world of productivity and you should have the job you want especially as you've worked so hard at improving yourself, and you will get that dream job, i have faith in that. Your little one is fortunate to have such focused parents and such a special lady as a mum and growing up with you two will deffinetly get him/her on a good path in life. I'm so happy for you!!!!

Good news chandra! being stuck with an academic myself i know that when a job in the right place turns up youjust have to go for it!!

Chandra this is wonderful! I'm so sorry I didn't spot this today, I forgot what it was called, but look, you didn't need me anyway!

Great news that you are both still on the same side, I bet you are feeling great tonight

Bunglie, you are popping up everywhere today, it's so nice to see you!

Good news, Chandra! It's always great to have a constructive plan. No matter what happens with your husband in the future, hold yourself to it.

Ah, this is great news!

Chandra, I didn't have any advice so haven't posted before but I have followed this thread and am really pleased that things are looking so much better for you.