Life changing decisions NEED YOUR HELP PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE

[Chandra]

I'm growing desperate with this situation so any coments will be highly welcome, even to say that I'm crazy, I need a reality check.

1. DH got a six month job in England. I agree to come because it was only six months and I knew it was going to be very difficult for me to get a job here as my profession is very related to language, and English is not my native language.

2. Six years later we are still here with the permanent promise that this is the last year before going home.

3. I have found it impossible to get a job, I have sent more than 500 applications, re-trained in different subjects but it seems that I'm overqualified for entry level jobs, but because I have not been working in some years, I have no recent experience and do not qualify for senior level jobs. English language is still an issue.

4. I have found it really frustrating not being able to find a job, and the relationship with DH is also being affected as I am very resentful about the fact that he has not wanted to move to a place where we both could work because he is very happy at his current job.

5. 3 years ago I was so fed up with the situation that decided to leave even though I loved him a lot. We went to Relate and we agreed that we will be moving back in 2 yrs time. We agreed that I was going back to university to get a MA (a second one) to keep me busy while he finished one of his projects.

6. 1/2 year later he got another project and forgot that we have said that we would move last year.

7. He has done it again! he told me this evening that we are staying here for 3 more years. This ruins any oportunity for me to get back to my profession -is already very difficult now-. I have a baby now and I feel very lonely as I don't have any family around.

8. I told him that I have serious doubts that our marriage will survive that long as I continue to get increasingly frustrated, I feel that his job is far more important for him than me, and that he will always put it before our hapiness.
   I also said that I would leave at the end of my studies and he said that it was OK but that he couldn't go because he needs to continue working in this new project which he believes is going to make him rich.

9. I'm very afraid of leaving and finding difficult to get a job in my country-it has been years since I worked in my profession-, I'm worried about how I am going to cope with all the living expenses and nursery costs when I go back, the easiest thing will be to stay, but during all these years I have been so depressed that I have been in prozac several times, had pnd, and also SAD, I'm so desesperate that sometimes I think that there's no way forward and no way back and I feel like the easiest thing would be just to kill myself. He knows this but he still thinks that is important to stay.

Sorry for the lenght of this post but here comes the question, should I leave him? do you think he loves me?

Chandra, whatever you do please don't kill yourself.

I agree that your DH isn't listening to you and what he is doing is not fair. I'm sure he does still love you but men see things differently. Have you ever been able to sit him down and tell him what you've just told us? Could you print off the message you've just posted and say "READ THIS NOW" so that he pays attention?

You sound like a lovely fascinating woman and he is taking you for granted. Hope you can stop him!

XXX

PS Is he British?

No, he is European. I have been telling him this for several months and still thinks that he doesn't need to do anything about it...

If he really won't listen, is there anybody you could go to temporarily (with baby) just to give him a jolt and wake him up?

Hi Chandra, I'm really sorry to hear you are unhappy, and don't really know what to say. You've obviously already attempted to talk with DH about this, and counselling too. Do you think relate might be worth another shot? Particularly if you did make a little headway the last time? I personally would find the lack of compromise unnaceptable within my own relationship, particularly if decisions made, without any of my views being taken into consideration, led to depression.
What would make you happy? Do you think if you made a serious move to leave he would go with you?
x

Chandra, you have posted this a bit late - I have to go to bed soon and I don't think many other people are around now....I will look out for this in the morning and bump it up for you!

Good luck!

Unless I go back to my country...no... I'm also afraid to go back to my family at the moment, my city should be having aroun 40 degres celsius at this time, that would set DS severe eczema wild.

Levanna, I have an appointment with Relate next week but DH is not coming as he will be away.

Regarding the question of he following if I do a serious move, the answer is no, he actually sugested for me to go on my own with DS and that he would come to visit in Xmas

Hi Chandra
Lots of sympathy - I think its totally unfair of him to keep on moving the goalposts, and from the amount of sadness and problems you've suffered, and the effort you've put into retraining and finding work, I would genuinely question his selfishness and lack of feelings for you.
Have you asked him which he would choose - you or his work??

Well, I have not asked him directly but I believe my previous post explains his intentions very well...

Actually I have asked him directly and he said he couldn't leave the project now. The problem is that after so many changes I'm sure that after 3 yrs have passed he would have another project and we won't leave...

I'm sad to hear the complacency he's shown about you leaving, and that he's even suggested you do so! I think if I were in this position, I would feel that at this stage it would not be the lack of a job and opportunities that was making me unhappy, but the unbalance within my relationship. It seems extremely unfair that it is skewed towards what your DH wants, and not what you need. It's as though he doesn't realise the gravity of the way he's behaving, and if he does..?
I'm sure Relate will be of benefit, even if your DH wont attend?
x

Chandra, Please hang in there and do not dispair.
Janh will 'bump' you up tomorrow and believe me the mumsnet advice you will receive will be wonderful. People care about you. I care already and I feel guilty now as I have to go to bed but I shall think about you tonight and remember that things may feel really bad now but that means they can and will only get better.
I have been in situations where I thought there was no hope, I take an anti-depressent, nothing to be ashamed of, and felt like killing myself. I know that is not the answer because you have a child and they need YOU, they LOVE you and can you imagine their lives if you were not there to guide them. Please have hope and hang on for the sake of your baby. A special ((((((HUG))))))) for you from me.

Hi Chandra. Please don't kill yourself. Your husband is being incredibly selfish. Do you know what's at the root of it though: is he a selfish person do you think or could he somehow feel he's doing the best for his family if he earns this money? Is he labouring under some misguided notion that money will make you happy? Does he understand how important it is for you to work? Does he understand how unhapy you are and that his actions may cost him his marriage?

Is it important for you to work or is your main problem that he shows complete disregard for your views and feelings? I can understand why, it must be horrible if what you want isn't considered at all. I can't tell you whether he loves you, only he can - does he say he does? Maybe he doesn't see that love = doing things that make your partner happy? I don't know whether you should leave him either. What would change if you did? Would it make you happy? Or would it mean you were unhappy somewhere else? Sorry to ask more questions than I've answered and sorry you're going through this.

Fwiw, your English seems extremely good to me.

HI Chandra

So sorry to hear of your situaution. You must be so lonely with no family around. Do you have family at home? It must hurt you deeply that your husband puts his career before you and your child. In response to whether he still loves you , I dont know - like WWW says maybe this is his way of showing you love.

In all honesty, if you have family at home, I would leave and go back. Be with your family at home who I hope will give you love and support, and help into getting back to work. If he loves you , he will follow.

It would be a maasive step if you left him I know, but how much longer does his happiness have to come before yours? What makes him more important than you? You don't say whether or not you still love him anymore, but even if you , if the situation stays like this, will you still love him in 5 , 10 years?

It is easy for me to say all this because I'm not in your situation, and I'm sorry if I'm sounding careless. I'm truly sorry for how you are feeling.

Maybe you should think where you want to be in 5 years time and make your decision based on that? Whether it be leaving , or trying to get your husband to understand how you feel.

Just remember though, that no matter what happens, theres a little baby out there who loves you more than anything in the whole wide world. You are his number one.

Please keep posting Chandra, all mn's will be here to listen. xx

hi just to echo what everyone else has said, don't kill yourself, your DS needs you, his mum.

what was your job?

which country is home? could you not teach your home language as a job? something you could do evenings when DH is home and could look after your DS

Chandra,

I really feel for you - How far away is your native country? - would it be possible to have homes in both countries and for you to spend time in England and your home country and your DH to do the same????

Chandra my opinion is he loves you and your baby he will do whatever it takes to make you happy if it was and only me i would tell him your leaving and let him make the decision wheather he loves you enough to go wit you if he decieds not to then let it be his loss and find someone that appreciates you.Meanwhile no man is worth dragging you down this way.(SORRY FOR BEING ABRUPT).

He really does sound incredibly selfish, but probably also believes that the money he might make is important enough - i.e. that he's doing the right thing for you all in the long run. He needs to understand that you would rather be happy, fulfilled and taken into consideration, than rich.
He probably doesn't believe that you'll go because you've put up with the situaion for so long, so he's become complacant about your complaints. You might need to leave to show him how serious you are. His reaction to you going will then tell you whether he still loves you and whether he's worth fighting for.
How is he with your ds?

Cuppy, I have family at home but it is not the supporting kind, my mother would blame everything on me and wouldn't offer a lot of support, but I have thought of not telling them of the situation so I could organise my thoughts and life as much as possible before I move on.

Bobs, choosing between me and his job he has always chosen his job.

Levanna, We have have spoke about this so many times I can't remeber, this topic is the heart of a big discussion at once or twice a week. He knows how I am feeling but eventhough I have mentioned that I want to leave he just tells me that in three years time we can leave and totally dismiss my feelings. I really believe that he is in denial.

WWW. I think he is interested in pursuing this oproject because of the satisfaction it gives him rather than our "benefit". I have also mentioned that what would be the use of the money if we are not around anymore -meaning me and DS leaving-, but he always starts on in how our life would be easier with more money and that we wouldn't need to worry about bla, bla, bla. I'm not worried for money because I know that as long as we bothe are working we will be fine. But he insists in this thing of getting retired early... I guess somebody else would take my place in "enjoying" that money as I don't think I could wait for him, actually, I am not sure if I would like him to come with me if I leave.

Katzguk, I used to be the creative director of a rather big advertising team, got my first lecturship at a university when I was 24. So for those who asked before... my job was my life, so not being able to work has been devastating.

Sponge, he is great with DS, actually he is a very good husband,helps with the house, comes homes with flowers and would never say something nasty to me, he just keeps pushing me to do more things, to keep applying for jobs and continue studying, he doesn't seem to fully realise how depresive and frustrating it is to be trying for so many years without results. So he is very nice in general but, it is in the important things that he lets me down.

bump

chandra is your husband an academic as well? Even if he isn't, is he concerned about lack of jobs in your home country or wages?

Do you have regular trips home? sorry it's quite hard to give any advie without knowing where you are from and what you DH's line of work is.

I don't think you need to walk out on him but it does seem as if you need to talk to him seriously about where he sees you being in 10 years time. Could you look into job vacancies for yourself and him back home and see how difficult things would really be. Maybe your DH is scared at the thought of moving back with no certainty of a job for either of you?

Chandra, before I had children I lived abroad. I am English but moved to another country when I was a teenager. I always wanted to come back to England. I was about to get married and had discussed with hubbie-to-be about coming back to UK. Suddenly, he landed a great job and only wanted to come here for a little bit. Even though I loved him, I knew I couldn't stand staying abroad so 2 weeks before the wedding I called it off (not sure parents have forgiven me yet and that was 5 years ago!).

I came here on my own, with no support, and found it difficult but now I'm married with 2 kids and happy.

I didn't have children then so I imagine having a child will make it much harder to leave but what I'm trying to say is that if you think that moving home will make you happier then I would go for it. If it is solely because of your work then maybe it would be worth trying to see if you could set something up from here (loads of job agencies are international now) for your home country. They should be able to give you an indication of what job you would be able to get and at what salary etc. Then at least you would know what sort of job you could go back to and this may give you some ammunition in discussions with your husband.

I know how miserable it can be living in a country that you don't want to be in so I hope you can find a solution.

Could you start looking for jobs in your own country or wherever there are jobs? You don't have to decide to leave just yet, but it would give you a good idea what your options are.

Don't do it to make a point to him, though. Just look around and see what you find and take it from there.

MAria Luisa, yep he is, and he doesn't have a excuse on that aspect now because at the moment there's an American university very near to where I used to leave looking for a lecturer in his area, the fact that this position has arised at this moment is like winning a lottery by itself, he would be paid far more than here, but he said he is not interested. I can not give more details because some of my friends apart of being his coleagues at work are also mumsneters and wouldn't like them to know we are are having problems.

Foxinsocks, I really admire the people like you who knows what they want and are prepared to take, sometimes painful, steps to achieve it, I knew from the very beginning that I didn't want to leave my country but in all the romanticism I thought I would be OK.