I'm sinking. Someone please help me!

[harman]

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I dont know much about your situation with your husband, but its worth going on the council list as you may get housed, however as you own a property u may have to force a sale thro on that before the council will consider you. its a pain in the ar*e i know, but its the way some councils work. however you should be able to get into a refuge or sheltered place, maybe the council will pay for a b&b untill you get the house situation sorted. usually once you are 'homeless' you will get rehoused pretty quick as local council like to keep their homeless figures down as it reflects well on them, the council here aims to rehouse homeless people within 30days. I know it isnt what you want, but when i was homeless i was rehoused into a brand new 2bed flat. so you dont always end up in horrible areas. however most councils will insist u take the 1st place offered as you need a home.

dont worry about the odd ciggy, even tho i've quit i still want one when i'm stressed and you sound very very stressed.

if and when you go to the council, if they accept you onto the list, make sure u fill in a medical form as well, as i would say you being depressed is caused by your housing situation. It may seem like the easiest solution is to go back, but belive me it isnt. if nothing has changed with regards to your feelings towards hubby then in a few months/years etc the hopelessnessw will return and you will find yourself in the same situation with 4kids in tow. just remember your baby is safe in your tummy atm, and is being cared for very well by you and is in the best place right now.

best of luck.

harman, do try the CAB for help re women's aid groups and/or the women's refuge. If it helps, I can confirm that, in this area, domestic violence is defined as "any violence between current or former partners in an intimate relationship or between family members, wherever and whenever the violence occurs. Domestic Violence may include physical, sexual, emotional and financial abuse."

I suspect that you would qualify under that definition. If you can prove domestic violence as defined above you may find that there is a lot more help available to you

Harman, nothing to add to this advice, just wanted to send hugs to you and your children and I hope things improve soon ... {{{{{}}}}}

lots and lots of sympathy, Harman. Sounds like things are horrible. I agree with contacting domestic violence organisations- IME (work quite closely with them intermittently for my job) they will have lots of good advice even if they can't help directly or you don't fit their criteria exactly. Senora's idea of contacting the council to get a list of housing benefit accepting agents sounds like a good one too.
So sorry things are hitting rock bottom but you are strong and you can do this I reckon. I so admire your determination to change things- you are clearly a star. I am also much cheered by Lilibet's message- another star now floating free and happy after going through similar crock loads of shite. It really can happen. I am holding onto the fact that you too will come thru and in the meantime sending all my love. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

p.s. Cigarette schmigerette... my mam smoked like a chimney whilst pregnant with the scummyone. Obviously an advert for smoking as little as poss whilst pregnant but I really don't buy the theory that an odd fag here and there is the crime of the century in the scheme of things.

I just want to add my support Harman, although I don't really know what you should do. When I was in your position (Yes, I've been there too - like loads of others), I rented a great big house and sublet some of the rooms to cover my costs while I built up a letting business in other houses. The thing is, I was fortunate that I had experience in property management and running guesthouses for backpackers and so was able to persuade the landlord to give me permission to do this.

The main thing is to know that life will not always be like this, you will get through this however you have to, and come out at the other end stronger and happier. Take heart, it is amazing what a determined woman can acheive.

Harman, how are you today ?

I haven't got any advice for you but i just wanted to say please don't go back. You've done the hardest part and now you have to go forward. I'm sure with the advice on here you can sort something out.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Thinking of you. X

Let us know how it's going, Harman.
If you had to move to a 'horrible area' wouldn't it be relatively temporary? It probably wouldn't be for more than 6-9 months, would it? At least it would be your own space.
An occasional ciggy isn't so bad.

youmust must get on the council list - they will refer you to HA's if they have no empty porperties. not all council places are the pits i swear. they have bad reps usually becuase of 1 or 2 families and the majority of people are the kindest people you will ever meet.

i grew up thinking council houses were beneth me ( i was a horrid snob) then due to circumstances and not going to tell! we moved as a family to a "nice" council area. i made no friends and hated every minute. after needing more family support i moved voluntarily to an area with the worst rep in the town. there i met my two of my greatest friends, gained confidence, finished a degree and got a job with the landlord which led on to other thngs and i then moved 300 miles away. dont believe the hype! it almost certainly will not be worse than it is now. you will have your own space as will the kids. you can start plans for your new home. and your partner will know your not coming back and you can start the difficult journey of legal matters.

am sending all my love and prayers. mail me anytime - writing is cathartic thats why MN is so popular am sure.

i work for a HA now so maybe i will be able to help you later if you need it.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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grrrrrrrrrr men. he sounds very manipulative. fill in as many forms as possible. get your HV involved with regards to your dd behaviour (how old is your dd?) as of course this is going to be unsettling for her and getting a new home will calm her down.

I had a problem getting on the housing list at first as we had £26k from the sale of our flat. but we had debts of around 20k to clear. they wanted to know where the money had gone before they would consider us. the fact of the matter is, you dont have any money now! who cares what u get in 6months time (could even be longer), but make sure u get what is owed you from the sale of the house or if he buys you out.

best of luck, its gonna be a stressful couple of months untill you get settled but just rant away when needed. even if the whole post consist of swear words.

Harman you will find a way round this all and even if you have to celebrate 3 christmas (we do in our house) it will all be alright. it is very positive news about the housing officer so hopefully that will lead to a fab abode for you all. Your x is Idonot what but you should explain to your children about the situation and that you all love them but it was wrong of daddy to that at the weekend - I think if you address the situation with them then he can not use them against you particularly if they have already discussed it with you - I do not know (probably mentioned previously and I've forgotten (sorrY)how old your children are do you think they would understand big Hugs sounds like it is affecting all of you stay strong

Harman,
I reached the end of your post. You have come such an amazingly olong way it such a short time, and you sound clear and lucid and focussed for the first time in a long time (sorry if that sounds judgemental, it wasn't meant to be)
I don't have any useful advice to offer but I wish you all the best

You poor poor sweetie. I have nothing constructive to say - appart from cyber hugs {{{HUGS{}}}}

I have no useful advice except for saying I have two sister in laws who have been thro this and come out the other side stronger.

Thinking of you

{{{hugs{}}}}

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Thinking of you H. Will email you. Have only just caught up with this post (have been ill so have only been checking active conversations mostly). Sounds like things have gone from bad to worse. Let me know if there's anything I can do.

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Oh Harman, I'm sorry you're having such a crap time and feeling so low. You've done the right thing: for you and your kids. It's horribly hard now, but it will get better.

I wish I could give you some better advice but I've never been in your situation. But I wanted you to know that I was here and listening and thinking of you. Please try and take care of yourself. I'm glad you're posting, I was just wondering how you were.

Harman, I don't have any advice, but want to say that it's great what you've done so far and you've stood your ground with your ex. I hope things start looking up soon.

Harman, hang on in there. It may get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. I sent you an email wrt housing. Let me know if you didn't get it as my friend might be in a position to help.

Maybe we should arrange another meetup so that we can all pool our collective experiences/brains to come up with some solutions for you.

hang in there, you're in a tough situation, it must be very hard to cope. hope there is a breakthrough for you soon.

Hi Harman
So sorry it's so tough. Your ex sounds like a total arse, but you know what a friend of mine did? She went back to her place, let herself in and got the locks changed, then packed her ex's clothes up and left them outside for him. Then got her brother to call him at work and inform him that that's what she had done, because she needed the house more than he did. He soon became much more reasonable. Threatened to call the police, but she pointed out that as she is the co-owner of the house, they wouldn't be very interested. Could you do that, or is it a non-starter?

In the meantime, I've only obvious suggestions, like going to the park with the kids, or if the weather is as nice as it has been, down to the beach. Anywhere really, where you can get out of your environment and relax.

I hope your pregnancy is going well.

Thinking of you Harman. Please don't hate yourself - you're a lovely person and a great Mum and clearly doing the very best you can in such a crappy situation. Another meet-up would be lovely (somewhere quieter this time), where, like Freckle says, perhaps we can be of some help to you, or at least be a sounding off board for you. This will get better, and you will be happy again. This won't last forever. The sooner you have a place of your own, the better. Even if it's somewhere you don't like, at least you won't have to pussyfoot around all the time (iykwim). Just hang on in there. You'll always have support here, both virtual, and in person when we meet up. Feel free to email me anytime.

Hi harman, I am in a similar situation to you. My dd has also become very aggressive and it is exhausting. I really feel for you, especially as you are pregnant. Do try the CAB. I sat in their office in tears and the woman actually got some money sorted out for me that afternoon. They are brilliant! Also look at www.oneparentfamilies.org.uk. They have really good factsheets that you can print off especially to help you with kids who are reacting to a break up. They also offer legal, financial advice etc.
Don't give up. I've been on my own since Feb and it is getting a bit easier now. Please don't be hard on yourself about the smoking. You are under so much stress and have to relieve it somehow. Take care. Be kind to yourself. Don't look at the big picture, just take things one step at a time. x