SAHMs - Why don't you work?

[discordia]

The "Why do you work?" thread was very interesting (and it helped me with an essay I'm writing!) so I just wondered about SAHMs - did you choose to stay at home, is it impossible for you to work, is being a SAHM enough fulfilment for you ... etc.

I am a SAHM myself although now that both my kids are at school I'm studying part-time, planning to work part time from Sept. I found being a SAHM hard but glad I did it.

mmm i have a feeling hercules i may be in a bad mood

Popsy i'm sorry you're feeling upset!

We all do the best for our children and it's a shame we have to justify our every move! You really can't win, you just have to ignore all the negativity and do what makes you happy.

I still get the comments about 'lady of leisure' and that bit annoys me!!!!!

Or do what you have to do i should have said as i know lots of poeple HAVE to work!!

what would make me happy would to be a SAHM - I already feel dreadful about 'giving away' DS every day and miss him like hell. I want to be the person who takes him to toddler groups, who paints, sticks, colours, dances, kisses his head when he falls off a bike, changes his stinking nappies.

Yes, I get to bath him and put him to bed and spend weekends with him. And some might say that I have the 'ideal' job for bringing up kids (but I would beg to differ in many respects).

I want what many of you have. I cry on the way to work sometimes - even though I have been back since December 2002.

I do not need comments about 'giving him away' and if I wanted to I could.

I desparately want to stay at home.
But can't.

There.

And again, sorry for hijacking the thread

you haven't popyscal, had no idea you felt like this, I know it's hard to know what's best but being a Mum and feeling this paints a picture of you being a nice, normal and caring mum....ideally we would all be sahm's but it isn't always that simple, i really feel for you popyscal...((((((hugs))))))to you baldrickxxx

sorry meant popsycal

thanks baldrick

Baldrick I disagree with your comment 'ideally we would all be SAHMs'. I'm sure there are many people on here who work because they both want to and need to, and feel that it isn't detrimental to their children that they are cared for by people other than their parents. I am the main breadwinner in our family but I would also work if that were not the case. My reasons are partly to do with wanting some life to myself outside of being a 'mum' - what happens when my children are older? I agree with Hercules comments that some of this discussion seems to be rooted in the 1950s and as if the decision to work for women is merely financially driven. As for taking time out from work when your children are small and then returning 'to earn big money then' I find that a laughable suggestion. Returning to work after taking time out (in my case that would have meant a gap of nearly eight years if I waited until both children were at school) is incredibly difficult. i would be unlikely to be able to walk back in at the same level, if at all. I think one of the most depressing parts of this debate for me is the fact that it's all focused around the role of the mother - we feel guilty if we work or if we don't. What about fathers?

Jimmychoos - you have a very valid point and one which I alluded to in my first post on this thread. Many women work because they want to - and this ought to be an acceptable reason. However, I feel that women who work, and particularly those who have the 'nerve' to tell people this, get looked down upon by some.......

Not very fair.
Do men get the same reaction?

jimmychoos, it's okay to disagree, we can't all have the same opinions but you're right in saying it's to you what you choose to do, whether sahm/ working mum...NOBODY should feel guilty (reason said ideally is because I assumed everyone would sah, if money were no problem...I really enjoyed doing it, hard but good)...since that is not always the case well hey, everyone to their own....am glad that mumsnet is somewhere where you can let off a little steam, (great site).

I am a SAHM and if anyone had predicted that even 5 years ago, I would have been fitting them for a nice straitjacket! I left my previous job early in my pregnancy, it was very stressful, the company wasn't doing well and I wanted time to myself before the baby (which I am SO glad I took...)I have loved being at home up to now, (most of the time, of course there are stressful days), luckily I have made good SAHM friends in the estate and I live in a lovely area, beach, library etc. (If you're ever visiting Dublin, stay in Skerries it's great!) Obviously apart from those who need to, it is every woman's choice whether they want to work, some women are very career oriented, I'm not! Which is not to say I'll never work again. I just can't imagine saying in a few years' time, gee I wish I'd worked more...!

I think if you're a single mum like me then you're damned it you do and damned if you dont really. If you work, there is always someone who will say you are neglecting your child. If you dont, there is always someone who will say you're a scrounger. Just for the record, i work, always have done and thats what i need (and like) to do. It keeps my sanity which i think is a lot better for my children than having a depressed lonely mother. (which is what i would be if i stayed at home. im very isolated where i am) For people who can stay at home, i admire you...me, i just couldnt do it on a long term basis.

Popsycal- is there not a way out for you? I am now at the stage where we need me to earn money but I am going to try from home. Could you try something home based in your (little) spare time (really hard I know) to see if that could work to become more full time? iyswim?

Could you do examining for instance- (not great I know as its in holidays and crap pay- but a start towards building alternative funds- even if it allowed you to cut down- or do that and supply, or do supply and try to do something else from home).

I feel so sad when I read your messages as you describe how I would feel if I had to go back to work

oh but we do just fo rfinancial reward

Thanks for your post Jimjams - it is something that myself and DH are talking about on and off. He is really dissatisfied at work - mostly due to his job though. Although he misses ds and wants to spend more time with him, the feelings he has are not as intense as mine, which he freely admits.

We need a plan. DH's plan is that he becomes an international sculpter and I become an international writer. Better get thinking of plan B I guess!

Because I didn't have kids to pay for someone else to look after them for me!!

I couldn't bear to have missed out on any of it, I do send them to nursery for 2 days a week for socialisation etc.(from the age of about 18mths) and I hate every minute of it!

Having read the whole thread I would like to say that to me what matters most is a happy family. If the parents are doing what they need to make them feel happy or complete then a child can sense it therefore happy parents happy kids and no mother should be penalised for what she is trying her best to do. Some mothers want to be SAHM others don't. I have done both, when my DH nad I had 1st DS I was 19 he was 23 I needed to go back to work for my sanity. The pregnancy was unplanned as we were young and I felt I was not cut out to be a full time mum. So I went back part time. This made me happier and therefore even though I spent less time with my son to me 6 hours quality time was better than a full days non quality time where i would eventually have become resentful. Now with DS number 2 I am a SAHM, I enjoy it more than I did the first time round( i returned when DS1 was 6mths) I cope more I think it is with being older but I do still very much miss the work environment, social aspect, keeping my brain from going to mush etc. Also this time around as we live so far away from family I would be a little reluctant to give DS2 to a childminder, if we had family near I would not hesitate to get something for say 10 - 15 hrs a week. I think this is a reflection of society today though, more and more of us live away from family and therefore we lose that support thus the kids need to go to childminders/nannies etc. i think most mums who work, if they were given a choice would rather have their DS/DD looked after by family than a nanny/childminder or nursery, let me know feelings on this.

Smellymelly - I didnt have kids just to have someone look after them...

My kids go to nursery 1 more day than yours do for the social aspect.

I had kids for lots of reasons - as Im sure do all of us, all of them lovely, worthwhile and fulfilling reasons so because they go into paid childcare while I work is that really a reason NOT to have them???

I've just briefly flicked through some of the recent posts on this thread, and noticed that someone had said they feel looked down on when they say that they work. My experience has been the complete opposite. When I ( and other sahm 's that I know) tell people that I stay home to look after my children, I can tell that they think that I am a complete dullard with no brain and no conversation. When you are in a social situation and someone asks " what do you do?" and you reply "I am a mum", just watch their eyes glaze over, " Oh how nice" or more irritatingly " I really admire that". When you can tell that admiration is the last thing they feel.
I really think ,in the words of Liz Lochhead " Nobody's mother can't not never do nothing right"

No matter whether we work or we don't somebody somewhere is going to think we are doing the wrong thing!!
And without dismissing anyones feelings, please don't get offended by things people post on here. They are people you don't actually know, so why should their opinions really matter??

And Baldrick you start off ok but you always just have to push things that bit too far.

I've just briefly flicked through some of the recent posts on this thread, and noticed that someone had said they feel looked down on when they say that they work. My experience has been the complete opposite. When I ( and other sahm 's that I know) tell people that I stay home to look after my children, I can tell that they think that I am a complete dullard with no brain and no conversation. When you are in a social situation and someone asks " what do you do?" and you reply "I am a mum", just watch their eyes glaze over, " Oh how nice" or more irritatingly " I really admire that". When you can tell that admiration is the last thing they feel.
I really think ,in the words of Liz Lochhead " Nobody's mother can't not never do nothing right"

No matter whether we work or we don't somebody somewhere is going to think we are doing the wrong thing!!
And without dismissing anyones feelings, please don't get offended by things people post on here. They are people you don't actually know, so why should their opinions really matter??

And Baldrick you start off ok but you always just have to push things that bit too far.

its true i would rather have my children be cared for by family but for me this isnt possible. ds's grandmother used to look after him and she made my life hell. In fact, she was the major cause of me being on anti-depressants for three years and my break-up with her son. ds now has a lovely childminder who he goes to for a few hours a week after school which did break my heart at first...i cried for three weeks solid. dd will go to a childminder three days a week too. There's no other solution for me.

sorry about the double post!!