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Original poster

SAHMs - Why don't you work?

160 replies

discordia · 27/04/2004 15:09

The "Why do you work?" thread was very interesting (and it helped me with an essay I'm writing!) so I just wondered about SAHMs - did you choose to stay at home, is it impossible for you to work, is being a SAHM enough fulfilment for you ... etc.

I am a SAHM myself although now that both my kids are at school I'm studying part-time, planning to work part time from Sept. I found being a SAHM hard but glad I did it.

OP posts:
popsycal · 28/04/2004 22:40

I have come into this thread rather late so please forgive me if I am going over old ground. As a full time working mum who would be ecstatic if I could be a SAHM, I am very jealous of those of you who are.

However, there are many reasons why women go back to work. Some of my colleagues NEED to work for either money or for their own personal reasons - self-esteem, financial independence, to name but two.

Whilst I do not wish to get into a heated debate or offend or insult anyone on this thread, I do take exception to one of the comments made. It may have been made either with tongue in cheek or as a throw away comment.....

Momp said 'Why have them if you are going to give them away?'. This has made me really sad. I have battled with myself (and DH for that matter) to come to some agreement about my work. To suggest that I am 'giving away' DS to someone else, even though I may be misconstruing Momp's comment, leaves me feeling numb and shit to put it frankly.

I would love to be in your shoes - would love to be in the situation at this point in my life where it is feasible to stay at home with ds. Not a day goes by when I don't wish I was at mother and toddler group, or swimming, or whetever. Now I feel a thousand times worse.

Got to go - got to get things ready to 'give away' DS again tomorrow.

hercules · 28/04/2004 22:43

Well said Popyscal and bekkarollover. I would love to stay at home but there is no way we can afford for me to do this. Please dont say we should make sacrifices - there is nothing left to sacrifice!
I am lucky that this time we can share childcare between us as dh has sacrificed a job he loved in order to work nights and so will stay up during the day with dd until I get home.
I "gave ds away" when he was 3 as it was either that or being homeless - couldnt really sacrifice a roof over his head.

bunnyrabbit · 28/04/2004 22:54

Well said ladies,
Unfortunatley Momp there are some people who would have to sacrifice more than their dream cottage to be able to stay at home. For some people like myself who are the major bread winner, if anyone was to SAH it would be DH, but that is not yet possible.

So rather than critisizing people for "Giving away" their children I will congratulate them for having the strength of character to carry on even though it kills them, for knowing that every experience is good for their child, for appreciating the social skills they will learn at nursery/play group, and for knowing that in the end, they are doing what they feel is best for their child.

BR

baldrick · 28/04/2004 22:59

I was a sahm for nearly 5 years, in that time we did not buy any furniture, ran out of money before the end of the month, were living on the very minimum stuff, but it didn't matter, some sacrifices are worth making....imo...if you can support your mortgage and a few extras with dh's wage (which is what we did) it is entirely your choice...if not then I fully understand...btw what is the minimum people live on, including mortgages etc....for us it was 1100 a month, before rent, mortgage

Ghosty · 28/04/2004 23:02

Haven't had time to read all responses but this is why I am a SAHM ...
a) I had a big problem, when I was teaching, with the fact that I was looking after other people's children and someone else was looking after my child ... seemed daft ...
b) Felt HUGE guilt when I dropped DS off at nursery and always arrived at work in tears
c) Resented my job soooo much due to the above that I just couldn't do it 100 % ...
d) Now in a position to be a SAHM (by moving to NZ) ...
e) Am now in a position to work from home AROUND my family ... would never have started my own business if I had a job ...
f) Personally I believe that being a mother is the most important job in the world ... and I feel privileged that we are in a position for me to do be a SAHM while they are still young ...
g) I want to be able to give my children what my mother gave me ... her time ...

I only worked before we moved to NZ because we needed the money ... If money was not an issue I would always choose to stay at home ...

Paula71 · 28/04/2004 23:05

I chose to be an SAHM but use the excuse of expensive childcare for those who can't understand why!

I wanted to be there for my ds twins during their first few years, so I would have an answer when they asked about first steps, words etc. Also I find it so fulfilling to be experiencing this even though it is so damn exhausting sometimes - I never ever knew it would be so tiring and I once worked as a nanny as well! I never found work at all fulfilling, it never defined me as to who I was but I find that being a mum does.

Does that make me a lesser person? No, I have my own interests etc outside looking after the boys. I hate that so many people think that because I am not in paid employment career-orientated I must be some dummy, little 50s housewife! I am taking this "time out" to consider what I want to do when I return to work. The jobs I enjoyed wouldn't suit family life and even when I return I will choose a job where family comes first.

baldrick · 28/04/2004 23:09

so come on after the mortgage is paid and dh is supporting what would you have to live on if you were a sahm mum?

popsycal · 28/04/2004 23:11

baldrick/lavender - is that really anyone's business?

hercules · 28/04/2004 23:14

Baldrick - our outgoings are more than dh earns. For me to stay at home until july on maternity leave is leaving us shot of these outgoings each month. It is actually quite selfish of me to be at home at the moment.

baldrick · 28/04/2004 23:14

absolutely not, but point I was trying to make is that unless you are destitute you could survive, giving up things for the sake of being at home

misdee · 28/04/2004 23:14

going into further details of why i am a SAHM. when dd1 was born i went back to work part-time. I missed lots of days of work in the first 18months as she was having allergic reactions, her asthma and ezcema where out of control. i was working evening shifts and weekends, whilst dh worked during the day, dd1 only had to go to the grandparents to be looked after on weds (my parents) and sundays (dh parents). even now the sundays thing still stands with dh parents. after work, i would come home, have my dinner, go to bed and promptly be woekn up by dd1 ripping her skin off or having an asthma attack. her gp actually offered to sign me off work at one point as i was shattered and felt there was nothing i could do. Since i gave up work 2.5years ago when we moved, dd1 health has improved so much. that could be because of her just 'growing out' of things, but i also like to think it was because she felt so much more settled and i was able to concentrate on her more than when i was working and constantly tired. unfortunatly dh health took a turn for the work in april 2002 and can no longer work. so i am now the main carer for my dh and dd's.

hercules · 28/04/2004 23:15

i have to disagree with yoy there baldrick. Dont forget things such as pensions also.

popsycal · 28/04/2004 23:17

our outgoings are more than dh earns
that is proper outgoings....mortgage, council tax, gas, electric, water rates, loans from student days (and no, we could not have gone to uni without these loans.....and I was on a full grant too), food, clothes, nappies and shoes for ds.
That adds up to a little more than DH's wage.

hercules · 28/04/2004 23:19

snap student loans for us both

popsycal · 28/04/2004 23:19

Anyway this thread is entitled SAHMs why don't you work.

Am not a SAHM and don't want to hijack this thread##Sorry

baldrick · 28/04/2004 23:21

I understand what you're saying Hercules....I had a pension when I was a singley, but had to stop paying in to it when we started a family, things like that are not compulsory...there are many things we would love to have done but didn't, as long as you have enough pay for your house, food and clothing for children, then in the first 5 years of their life, not much else matters...once they are at school then the big money can come in hopefully

popsycal · 28/04/2004 23:21

forgot to add...things like phones, car, petrol, clothes for me and dh, meals out etc come out of our additional wage - any 'luxuries' we have earned with out extra wage so to speak

anyway - am hijacking again

hercules · 28/04/2004 23:22

so who will support you in your old age?

popsycal · 28/04/2004 23:22

pension are not compulsory, you are right
but many believe that they are a necessity nowadays

anyway - i have hijacked enough and wil not get drawn in to a heated debate at this time of night!

baldrick · 28/04/2004 23:27

not a heated discussion at all btw, 5 years off a pension is not a lot...and btw got income tax form a few weeks ago and still get state pension for looking after children as a sahm as recognised as a carers job....am going to say little more...it is a choice thing...it is possible (I even did 3 nights a week a Tescos to help...6-12pm) when children were small...it just depends what you want really

hercules · 28/04/2004 23:29

for us it really is not possible! It really is not a case of cutting back and managing. As it is I have no idea how we will manaage to live until I go back to work. I am not talking about luxeries bbut bills that need paying!
If we could survive and I mean survive on dhs wage I would love to stay at home. It is not possible for everyone.

hercules · 28/04/2004 23:31

State pension is crap. My mother is only entitled to this and so unless she claims housing benefit she has to work. She is now in her late 60's and working full time as she doesnt want to take housing benefit but will have to one day.

hercules · 28/04/2004 23:31

I wish it was a choice thing.

baldrick · 28/04/2004 23:35

I sympathise hercules, i really do, it got to the point where we had about £20 left and I had to get a job in the evenings to help...if I hadn't have done we would not have survived, I suppose you have considered this already

hercules · 28/04/2004 23:37

Dh works nights in a job he doesnt like so we can manage with both of us working. I dont need sympathy thanks, it is simply a fact of life that gone are the days where the woman stayed at home whilst the man earned enough to support them. Of course it does happen but not for everyone.