SAHMs - Why don't you work?

[discordia]

The "Why do you work?" thread was very interesting (and it helped me with an essay I'm writing!) so I just wondered about SAHMs - did you choose to stay at home, is it impossible for you to work, is being a SAHM enough fulfilment for you ... etc.

I am a SAHM myself although now that both my kids are at school I'm studying part-time, planning to work part time from Sept. I found being a SAHM hard but glad I did it.

I chose to SAHM with DD because with DS, now 10( I was single mum) I had to go back to work for financial reasons, rally not great and very unhappy about it...
This time have wonderful partner who is happiest with me being at home with our baby girl and my older boy.
If I had to work I would. But I am so lucky and really enjoy being at home with my daughter... And I do work a bit, I keep the house really well and also keep knowledgeable of proper parenting and relationship practices by logging on here
So basically I am a SAHM because I can be!

I am a SAHM as it's what i always thought i'd do when i had kids and i'm lucky that dp earns enough so there isn't a financial worry.

I LOVE it, i think it's the happiest time of my life and my only complaint is that she's growing up too fast.

At times of course a bit of adult conversation would be nice , but that's what Mumsnet is for isn't it?

Like Lou I would probably have been sacked by now for all the time off I would have needed for all of ds1's appointments. As the waiting lists for therapies are so long we've had to start doing the work ourselves. I have to go through worksheets, flashcards etc to help ds1 learn to talk. I also have to help de-sensitise him so that he will be able to use his hands properly. It would be almost impossible to find a childminder or nursery who would be able to give him this amount of help. Having a parent at home is our only realistic option at the moment.

I have had serious health problems which i am still trying to sort out but I find the day is so full that I dont think I could fit a job in.Luckily I am not forced to work financially but I do get bored at times and would like some adult company.I am doing an ou degree which is fun and hope to find p/t work when ds goes to upper school

Because I moved so lost my job so to speak and cant be arsed with all that after school club hassle and vow never to got to a supermarket at the weekend, like I did when I worked.

soemthings got to give IMO when you have kids

I think both options are hard when you have kids. It's hard to work (I found working in an office nearly made me die and that was only three days a week) and hard to SAHM without help. I am v v lucky - mum does childcare and I work from home and ds gets cared for from home so see him loads. I also have a friend who is a SAHM with a two day a week nanny, and she is also very happy. When I fantasise about being someone else, it's usually her

what do you mean by help?

I originally didn't go back to paid employment because it was hardly worth the money I was getting after childcare costs and I did want to see my child grow up myself and not just hear about it from someone I didn't know. Then as time went on part of the attraction was not having to sit in an office/on a tube train for nearly 12 hours a day working with some people I didn't particularly respect and getting hassled by them for what? Quite good money yes but not a brilliant way of life.

Yes I do agree that being a sahm can be often very boring and depressing and hate the way it can change some people's attitude towards you (no I'm not a wealthy imbecile with time on my hands thanks very much, it's just a life choice I've made for the time being and we have had to make some sacrifices with only one income coming in). But in my darkest moments I try to remind myself that they are only so small and vulnerable for a very short time only and it's not that long in the great scheme of things, and I don't want to look back and regret missing it.

BTW I'm not bitter and twisted really!

• I want to be there for DS, think I could do a better job than anyone else, and if they looked after him - they should pay me (ein liebes kind)

• My DH earns enough

• No one would employ me here in Germany as my language is not good enough (when I go home I want to start my own consulting business from home, but just take on the jobs I am interested in and work my own hours - don't want my brain to go to complete mush)

I became a sahm because dd1 (3yo) was just so miserable me going to work. My nanny was brilliant, but dd1 was too miserable - even though I only worked 3 days a week. I do feel unhappy that I have given up my career (I was a lawyer and it will be hard to go back to it), but as well as my sad daughter, there was an element of feeling I was missing out. Also it was extremely stressful juggling. We can't afford for me to give up work(we have to move house), and I have no help at all - family live miles away, but I do feel that it is the right thing for my family at the moment. In the future I would like work from home more, but I'm not thinking about that at the moment.

It is very sad that both sahm's and working mums have to justify the choices (or not, as the case may be) that they have made - I have had critical comments both as a working mum and a sahm - but I suppose that's life!

I stay at home 4 days and work 1.
I wouldn't miss out on these years for anything - and am lucky enough that dh earns enough to allow us to do so. Have cut back considerably - but it's all worth it.

I am not technically a SAHM.. but am thinking about becoming one. Not least because I really don't want the hassle of finding childcare I feel happy with! Call me a big wimp, but I've had it with children being unhappy about being left with nursery/etc. And I wouldn't have to worry about juggling limited availability childcare with the desirability of being there when my kids really needed me. Plus, hopefully, we will arrange things so that we can live on DH's salary alone.

Had a fab job in marketing without any intention to have kids. We'd just bought the cottage of our dreams. Life was looking great. 6 months later we start yearning for a baby!!

DD is now 4 yrs old and DS is 13 mths old. Gone is the fab job. DH could just about provide for us on his salary alone but it meant losing the cottage.

We made sacrifices because we believed that nobody would know our kids like we do.

How would we feel if DD/DS wanted us but weren't around to help?

How would we feel if we weren't around to witness major milestones?

Why have them if you are going to give them away?

am a sahm by choice. we are lucky enough that dh earns the money so that we can afford for me to be at home. originally the plan was that we were both going to work p/t. this didn't work out for dh. this has caused us considerable problems, but i feel like we've talked it to death and in a way, i'm really lucky to be at home full time with ds and have a dh who is v involved when not at work. however, we are still aiming to both be p/t workers within the next 2 years. i love it and hate it. definitely harder than any job i've done (and i've worked in extreme pressure situations with a/holes iykwim) but also by far most satisfying. gets v lonely though, i haven't been brave enough to do mother/baby groups or anything yet. ds is 6 months old so will have to gear up for this soon i think (help me codswallop ).

Hulababy, yes I do go to a baby group, have gone for a few months but because ds usually has AM nap at 9.30am for 1-1 1/2 hours i often did not go as the group around my way are all 9-11am or 9.30am starts, therefore seemed pointless as his am kip was tht only time I really get to do housework. However he is now awake more often in the morning so we do go to one every Wednesday morning but, cvall me selfish, i get enough nappies, sick cat/dog/cow noises etc at home without going to baby group to get more of it. I was very lucky in my job before as i dropped oler ds (10yrs) at school at 8.45am in to work for 9.30 am then finished at 2.30pm (no lunch break) to be in for him on return home from school at 3.15pm. I also have to take him to the hospital 3 - 4 times a year for hospital appointments which I was always given time off for. I am not returning to my old job, even though hours were great boss was an a*hole and i wanted to leave anyway but i stuck it out as we were trying for a baby, fortunately I concieved within 2 months of stopping the pill, so I did not have to suffer long. I was only in the job 21/2 years anyway.

Dh and I both agreed before we had children, that when we did, one of us would always be at home with the (future) children. It could have been either a SAHM or SAHD writing this! I love it, totally, every second! 'Playing' all day is great, we do loads of crafts, reading and stuff. I find it really fulfilling and we both think that one of us being at home with DD (and future DD!) takes absolute priority over our income. Living on one wage can be a touch of a pain in the *rse! But, for us, the pros far outweigh the few cons. When DD's are at school, I'll quite happily work part time, but again, I'll be there for them out of school hours. Prior to children, I hated not working. If I went through a period of unemployment I'd go slightly mad until I found something to do with myself! This is nothing like that, I'm busy all day, and DD stimulates me mentally as much as I hope I do her . (Housework in our house is still 50/50 between DH and I, after all - we both work ).

I am a SAHM because DH and decided, before we got married, that I would be! We thought about all the people we knew with children and realised that all the people who had stayed at home seemed to have more well-balanced and generally nicer children. Obviously it was a small survey but was important to us.
Also, I love it - it's the best job I've ever had!

Obviously that should say that DH and I decided...

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Didn't make the decision consciously - planned to go back to work but they couldn't have me back part time. It was the best thing that ever happened to me!

Apart from all the crap, mind numbing tasks that we love to complain about - its the freedom for me.

Walking up the road on a sunny morning to buy a paper - and seeing all those poor stressed out people waiting for a bus to go to work.

Also didn't see the point in slogging my guts out working full time, and ending up with hardly any money after child care costs.

And just having your kids around, with all the funny things they do and say... and knowing you're doing a very worthwhile job at home - even though its unpaid......

To me it just seemed the natural thing to do. Luckily we can survive on one wage, which is also a deep down factor, but on the other hand, I never was a big earner anyway, so probably wouldn't cover childcare costs.

I've found it hard, but, luckily 'fell into' a huge circle of mums and different playgroups that have kept me (and DS!) sane.

When DS starts school September 2005 - I'll probably mooch around at home for a while, re-charge those batteries of mine, until my chosen career of dinner lady or other equally aspiring jobs comes my way.

Furball, you took the words right out of my mouth.
We can join Coddy's twin thread on those grounds alone

I'm like Lou33 and Coppertop - I have to be a SAHM to fit in with dd's appointments. Also, we've moved counties and left my mum (and one time babysitter) behind. DP got made redundant over a year ago but has now set up his own business and continues to work from home. It can be a good thing when I need childcare, but then a bad thing when we're getting in each others way.

Fortunately, the benefits received due to dd's SNs do help the bank balance. I have tried part time work since moving here (S Yorks). I have previously worked for a pub chain (the no smoking at the bar one) before I met my dp and was able to rejoin the company at a pub near here. It was fun but damned hard work. It enabled me to have an adult orientated social life but the late hours conflicted with getting up early with the children the following morning. My boss understood my reasons for leaving and reassured me I can return if ever I feel I want to rejoin again.

I used to work in an office before the children and I certainly don't miss that at all. I had a wonderful boss when dd was born and he created a PA job for me and let me choose my own hours (whilst keeping me on the same grading). Not many bosses like that around eh?

I do like staying at home now and have plenty to do. With my dd having SN, my work is cut out when she's getting ready for school and when she's returned home. I find I do need something to keep the grey matter ticking though and I'm now involved with dd's school by being a governor and running a parents group. I'm currently researching funding ideas and planning events at school for Carers Week in June.

So I'm a SAHM doing loads of work - but all unpaid (or unsalaried).

I'd love to be a SAHM - never could be one when DD was young as I was single Mum and could never work out how people managed it without working.

This time round with DS Im in a job that doesnt pay me anything after childcare for 3 days a week but I need to be in it at least for the meantime as my salary needs to be considered for the mortgage we will be taking out in the next few weeks so that we can afford a 3rd bedroom for DS.

Not wanting to be inflammatory but the "Why have them if your going to give them away" comment hurt - made me cry in fact.

Whilst yes, I could choose not to get bigger house but as it stands we are living in very small 2 bedroomed house with nowhere for children to sit and eat tea and no room for bed in my bedroom once DS outgrows cot so Im prepared to "give them away" for a little longer to provide what my family needs.

My intention isnt to upset or offend anyone - good luck to all of you and Im so glad to see lots of happy, positive SAHMS - keep my spot at mother and baby group warm hopefully I'll be joining you soon!!!