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Original poster

This is my pledge to Yorkiegirl ....

202 replies

moaningpaper · 28/10/2006 15:02

This is my pledge to Yorkiegirl .... (well to my family really)

I WILL swallow my horror at the whole wife thing and get married in the next 12 months so that my family has more legal protection.

Who wants to join me?

OP posts:
Charleesunnysunsun · 28/10/2006 15:03

me

DarkAlleyBongo · 28/10/2006 15:04

i'm badgering my sister to get hitched, does that count?

sideways · 28/10/2006 15:05

Would like to but my horror at the wife/marriage thing must be greater than yours as I'm not sure I can do it.

I'd rather put try and pressure on the government to change the laws to recognise the equal rights of co-habiting parents.

Not sure how I would do that though.

Original poster
moaningpaper · 28/10/2006 15:38

My horror at the wife thing is REALLY strong

What is needed is for civil partnerships to be open to heterosexuals IMO

but still that's not going to happen in the immediate future, so horse and carriage it is

OP posts:
Piffle · 28/10/2006 15:40

Mp me too, once this 2nd child of unmarried parents is out in March we will paln pow key civil nuptials for later that year
WE do have sep legal documents sort of covering our butts though
Also those who have been married people
STILL MAKE A WILL ESP Divorced people
It srewed my ffmily up for yrs after my dad died intestate.

Yorkiegirl · 28/10/2006 15:41

Message withdrawn

SamhainWitch · 28/10/2006 15:41

So ditch the words husband and wife then.

All you need is the little bit of paper that marriage gives you, saying you are legal partners.

You don't have to change your name or become a Mrs.

SoupDragon · 28/10/2006 15:41

thing is, what actual difference does it mak? It's a piece of oaer and does not change how youfeel about each other nor what you mean to each other. It's just a legal thing. You don't have to change your name or wear a ring or call yourself Wife.

zephyrHellcat · 28/10/2006 15:51

DP and myself were certainly in no rush to get married - if at all. BUT... I was amazed at some of the things I learnt on Yorkie's thread last night - we both were and never realised there were so many implications to being unmarried. Apart from the benefits/children etc which are obvious factors in our decision, I couldn't imagine anything happening to dp and me not being allowed to be next of kin, to not be allowed to sign things in a hospital if he needed it, not being able to do so many things for him which we would both want. There is so much more to it. Neither of us have family close by so this is a huge thing to us.

Aside from that I think DD is going to love it!!! Plus the fact that I want the children to be part of a fast growing minority of children who have happily married parents.

It is only a piece of paper and we don't need a ceremony to be together but because of the implications we can't not do it.

swedishmum · 28/10/2006 18:17

I've been married for 18 years, have never taken my other half's name (in fact, everyone in the village thinks my surname is the family name), kids and cat are double barrelled which is a bit fuffy, but they can choose and when dd was asked at sec school what she wantedto be known as choses both, because "it comes from my mum and mydad". Never use the terms wife or head of the household or my pet hate,Mrs. Of course, inlaws don't accept any of this but I've given up stressing.
SIL is actually the other way round - she's not married to bil but uses Mrs BILname as her name - takes all sorts...
Go for it -it needn't change your life, but could change your family's if anything tragic happened. I know a few people who've done it in Vegas for eg and never told their relatives.

Sobernow · 28/10/2006 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gigglinggoblin · 28/10/2006 18:29

you have to say two sentences and then sign the register. its really easy and you dont even have to tell anyone you have done it. if you are def not having family there then just sneak off and do it during your lunch hour, the only reason i had family involved was my cousin sneaked off a few years ago and my mum told me i was never to do that so i felt i had to invite people. wasnt much worse than a trip to the dentists

Tatties · 28/10/2006 18:32

I have always said I would never get married - but I have decided I'm not going to cut my nose off to spite my face. You don't need to get married to prove your love and commitment, but unfortunately you do need it to protect your family if the worst should happen. I wish there were equal rights for those who choose not to marry for ideological resons - but there aren't - so as Zephyrcat says, we can't not do it really.

What's stopping us atm though is how do we tell people / not offend people by not having a 'do' and what do we do about names... Still a lot of thought needs to go into it for me, but I think I will be joining you MP

californifright · 28/10/2006 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pixiefish · 28/10/2006 18:40

In a year could be too late though mp- sorry to be so blunt.

If you're not married an you die your parents have more rights over your kids than your dp.

If you're not married and your dp dies then you could be in a financial mess and actually not even legally responsible for burying him.

If youhad an accident then he could not make decisions over you.

Don't know if the above points apply to all of you but they deffo do apply in some cases. if you're not married.

I bet YG and Nigel never thought that he would die so young and they both thought that they had their lives ahead of them to do things. Good job for YG that they were married.

Let your pledge to YG be that you'll get married sooner rather than later. All it takes is a pop down the registry office with a couple of witnesses (obviously you have to sort the paperwork out)

Have your party in a year if you want but get the leagalities out of the way now.

Sorry to rant- YG is my best mate and I know how strongly she feels about this

Original poster
moaningpaper · 28/10/2006 18:44

It's ok Pixel I don't mean in a year, I mean DEFINITELY in the next 12 months

There are some personal complications to me being married that will need to be sorted out

We have sorted out a lot of legal stuff - parental orders, individual and joint wills, correct parties named in insurance and pension etc. Our only liability really is tax and - as Yorkie pointed out - the complexity of a feck of a lot of paperwork.

We will probably be doing it without telling anyone - I suspect not even the dds.

Except obviously the 1000000000000 people on MN

OP posts:
tribpot · 28/10/2006 18:47

I got married nearly two years ago; didn't want all the trappings but that commitment was important to me and dh (having said I utterly opposed marriage throughout my twenties, how did that happen?!). I choose to wear a ring but have not changed my name and as per swedishmum I think most people assume my name is the family name. It really need be no big deal in terms of a do, and family and stuff. It's just a personal moment for you and your significant other.

Cappuccino · 28/10/2006 18:47

I do not get this 'I don't want to be a wife' business

like it oppresses you or something

historically marriage was a way of protecting a woman's rights as much as anything else. If a bloke decided he wanted out of a relationship with a wife who was pregnant with his child, she had proof that he had responsibilities towards her. My wedding certificate belongs to me, not to dh.

I'm not oppressed or diminished by this contract or the title of 'wife', I am strengthened by it

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 28/10/2006 18:53

I have to add that I am a bit freaked out reading all this stuff as I've been living with dp for the past 3yrs however due to circumstances beyond our control he is yet to be divorced from his ex(the longest fecking divorce in the history of the world). He had a suspected heartattack last year and I had to just resolve meyself to the fact that if he died I would just have to take myself home an throw myslf and dd on the mercy of my parents. He did say that he asked his mum(who hates his w) to look after me and dd financially.

Thankfully he is fine now and we are looking forward to a very happy future but I really want to get married for all the reasons that YG has stated as well as to be committed to dp for the forseeable future. We have talked about marraige and both agree it is in the future for us but I now feel sooner rather than later would be best. Not completely sure how he feels tbh, reluctant to get hitched again immediately I'd imagine.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 28/10/2006 18:55

His divorce will be happening within 3-4 months btw.

Original poster
moaningpaper · 28/10/2006 18:57

Unfortunately cappucino study after study has shown that marriage generally DOES have a negative impact on women.

Susan Maushart's Wifework is a good and very funny and readable exposition of this.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 28/10/2006 19:09

Sorry, I can't face it, but I will sort out parental responsibility orders and wills. I'm just not the marrying type.

Cappuccino · 28/10/2006 19:13

moaningpaper do you really think that your relationship will be changed by it? cos that's the only real question here

bad relationships can be official and unofficial; but it's seen as more intellectually feminist to rail against marriage than it is to rail against co-habiting

I don't see why after 20 minutes in a registry office you'll suddenly end up powerless and downtrodden and doing all the housework

unless you were already

bloodysideup · 28/10/2006 19:16

I really, really don't get what is so scary about getting married when you have already made the ultimate, un-breakable, tie-ing you together for the REST OF TIME thing that you do when you have a child together!

Marriage is NOTHING to that, surely?

Yorkiegirl · 28/10/2006 19:16

Message withdrawn