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Original poster

This is my pledge to Yorkiegirl ....

202 replies

moaningpaper · 28/10/2006 15:02

This is my pledge to Yorkiegirl .... (well to my family really)

I WILL swallow my horror at the whole wife thing and get married in the next 12 months so that my family has more legal protection.

Who wants to join me?

OP posts:
chocolateshoes · 28/10/2006 19:17

I'm with you Moaning Paper, but still have to convince DP. We've lived together for 17yrs now & have always said we didn't want to get married despite extreme family pressure. I still need some facts to show DP how important it is. I'm pretty sure my dad could come up with some but don't even want to hint at the prospect of marriage to my parents or my Mum will go straight to the nearest hat shop & that is exactly the type of thing we wouldn't want!

Cappuccino · 28/10/2006 19:17

bloodysideup you're right

we had a mortgage before we got married; that felt like a bigger decision than actually getting married

Yorkiegirl · 28/10/2006 19:18

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motherinferior · 28/10/2006 19:18

It's a different thing. Which I don't, for a number of reasons, want to do. I don't want to do it surreptitiously because I think that's tacky, and I don't want to do it in a big public party because, well, I just don't.

Yorkiegirl · 28/10/2006 19:20

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chocolateshoes · 28/10/2006 19:25

Thank you YG. And sorry to be such a pain. Its just that DP is very sceptical about this kind of thing. I know you feel very strongly about this.

gigglinggoblin · 28/10/2006 19:34

the fact is that marriage is just a piece of paper. you dont have to think of it as anything more than that. if you have given your dp parental responsibility, that is also a piece of paper. its easy to recognise why it is so important, a marriage certificate can be viewed in exactly the same way. i am married cos i was worried about exactly what yg is talking about. if it goes wrong i will get divorced. that may not be easy, but splitting up when you have a house and kids together woud be just as difficult, or possibly more so. i dont think i am any more likely to stay with him or split up from him because we are married. it really makes no difference to me at all

adozenroses · 28/10/2006 19:40

Dh and I got married 5 years ago abroad, but we found out a few months back that it was void as it wasn't registered properly.

I've been ignoring it basically as I didn't want to get married again, but after reading yorkiegirl's thread before, I will try and get married again asap.

Pidge · 28/10/2006 19:43

I got married for entirely legal security reasons - we looked into making each other next of kin etc and found it was going to cost more than the marriage certificate.

So, dp and I nipped down to the local registry office on the bus with kids in tow and two understanding friends as witnesses.

I NEVER refer to dp as my 'husband' I NEVER refer to myself as 'wife'. Most of our friends don't even know we are married. I don't even remember what month it was we did it (last year some time!), let alone mark the date as something special. Nothing changed in my life.

I totally agree with you moaningpaper about civil partnerships for heterosexuals. That's what I'd been hoping for. Believe me it took a lot of persuasion to get me in that registry office, but ultimately I was scared that in the worse case scenario things could be more difficult without that bit of paper.

FrannyandZooey · 28/10/2006 19:58

YG I can't promise anything right now but I can tell you that your posts have actually made me consider getting married for the first time ever in my entire life

Thanks very much for passing on this information to us.

Original poster
moaningpaper · 28/10/2006 20:01

Marriage means a HUGE amount for me

As I am heavily involved in church work my unmarried status is a BIG CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENT that I have made to people, and to my children, and I will be giving that up, which saddens me greatly.

It ISN'T just a slip of paper, unfortunately, you are buying into a whole culture, through the words we use to the rights we have. There is so much ingrained in our subconcious relating to marriage. It is a FACT that people who have lived together for years and get married are more likely to split up. We can argue that this is because of x or x, but time and time again studies show that, actually, consciously or subconsciouly, we can't escape from our cultural conditioning and from the weight of meaning that our own family's understanding of marriage holds.

Marriage means a MASSIVE amount to me. I don't want to enter into it. If there was another way that I could be granted full legal rights I would do it.

OP posts:
satine · 28/10/2006 20:06

I heard someone saying "Well, X and I have been together for 5 years, now, and so with our kids and everything, I'm his common law wife, cos he hasn't heard anything from his first wife for so long". My blood ran cold. I'm sure she thought I was an interfering old cow but I couldn't not tell her that if her dp died, his first (and legally only) wife would have first call on everything he owned.

Very scarey.

Cappuccino · 28/10/2006 20:16

moaningpaper I know that you have a very strong belief about this and I'm not disrespecting that at all

but my feminism is pragmatic - it means taking decisions that protect myself and my children and give us our strongest position should things go wrong

it stands up to ideas about cultural conditioning and subconscious beliefs because they're not important in comparison

I'd been with dh 8 years before marrying him; we did so before we had kids. It didn't changed our relationship - kids did that

Pollybloodyanna · 28/10/2006 20:21

am I right in thinking that if you do get married this invalidates all wills you have made and you will have to make a new will? (did law, but a long time ago, but I think this is the case).

gigglinggoblin · 28/10/2006 20:21

wow mp, i assumed you didnt want to get married for the opposite reasons. to me it is a piece of paper, to everyone else in my family it means far more but to me it really doesnt at all and i cant see me ever thinking that way. tough decision

VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/10/2006 20:23

I would love to

I know you can do it for £100 minimum - but, I'd hate to have waited 9 years to do it, just to wander in to a registry office and then go to a pub for a drink afterwards. I'd like a bit of a party/do so that my family can join us at least.

I did want to get married this year but circumstances worked against us financially (namely my PND and being out of work). We were doing it on a budget of 2k then. I'd set myself a date - and told family - 18th November 2006.

Im going to the London Meet up - so, I guess I'll still be at a party...just not my wedding reception.

Yorkiegirl · 28/10/2006 20:26

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drosophila · 28/10/2006 20:27

My parents had a terrible marriage and my mum was trapped in it with no income of her own and a society that didn't have divorce (Ireland in the 50's, 60's 70's and 80's). I think this has made me very wary of marriage at a deep level. I read all this and think I should but there is this deep fear that is probably irrational that stops me from pursuing it.

chocolateshoes · 28/10/2006 20:31

Have just had a long talk with DP & it looks like we are going to go for it! A very quiet affair with 2 friends as witnesses & a curry afterwards!

YG thank you for your advice and for your original post.

Yorkiegirl · 28/10/2006 20:33

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tiredemma · 28/10/2006 20:38

we will get married- we are kind of planning it now- but cannot agree on where to do it. Would love to be the kind of person who could be happy with a reg office wedding and a meal- but the materialistic slut in me wants the works.

It will happen, definetly- without a doubt.

But thanks anyway YG because I did not know any of the info that you had put on- promise you a special seat when it finally comes round!! xx

chocolateshoes · 28/10/2006 20:39

lol! I'll let you know when - it'll be in Lancaster - there's a train from Leeds

hunkermunker · 28/10/2006 20:40

YG, you are a marvel - I am very sorry events conspired against us and we didn't meet up last week

VVV I'll give you a big snog then on the 18th.

It's weird - I got married because I wanted to be Mrs DH, I wanted to be married, I wanted to be a wife - but I am totally unsubmissive and not at all "wifely". I also wanted my children and DH and me to be "a family unit" - all with the same surname. And we didn't live together before we got married...because, ironically, I thought that was a bit rebellious

rickman · 28/10/2006 20:41

Message withdrawn

Original poster
moaningpaper · 28/10/2006 20:47

materialistic slut - lol tiredemma

OP posts: