Do you think it is important to have more than one child?

[Chester]

I have a 3 year old son, my husband and I cannot decide if we would like another child. We both want to give our child/ children everything they need in life but may not be able to if we have a second child. Our son has been asking for the last 9 months for a little brother or sister. Would we be depriving him of something if we did not give him a brother or sister to grow up with? Please comment as this matter is driving us mad!!!!

He may miss out a bit on material things, but if he is so keen to have a sibling I don't think he'd mind.

(Just so long as he knows you can't order a boy or a girl! )

DS1 is 15years old and DS2 is 5 months, so in effect DS1 is an only one. He hasn't seemed to suffer any deprivation from it, the only thing was I had to make more of an effort to entertain him etc than some of my friends who had two or more (but then, that was only if they were close together so that wouldn't apply to you anyway!)
I think deciding to have a second child is something you need to consider for you, not for your son - he'll be fine either way

Only if you want one IMO

Chester, what a hard one to decide...we really wanted a sibling for ds, and we have made additional and pretty drastic personal financial sacrifices to make it happen. These impact on us much more than ds at present...you cannot guarantee that siblings will get on in adult life but I'm very, very glad I have a good relationship with my dsis and someone to share the worries of aged parents with.
Jan's comment about not being able to preselect gender is worth bearing in mind. Ds' only complaint about his annoying baby sibling is that she isn't a boy. Other than that, he loves her dearly, despite her current lack of Lego expertise and hogging of the sofa...
By all means take your son's wishes into account but this is something only you can decide.
Good luck!

I don't have an opinion one way or the other but think the lessons/love and everything else you get from growing up with a brother or sister are just as valuable as anythnig you could buy if not more so - mind you a sibling will be a damn site more expensive than anything you can buy!!

Also you don't always like your siblings (I do but I know many who don't)

we're pg with number 2. I spent my whole childhood wishing I was an only one (I was the oldest of four) but now am so glad of siblings. However, I know a lot of very fulfilled only children. If you can not decide, then I think you are not ready - remember - children ask for puppies but it's always the mum who ends up taking the pesky thing for a walk in the pouring rain good luck with whatever you decide but as the countess says it's really down to you and dh. I would just say better to regret what you have done than what you haven't so don't leave it too late and then wish you'd done something different

I think it's very much down to you as a family. For us it's definitely non-essential and my DD is very much into babies (only girl ones though)but strangely enough her enthusiasm has waned since starting to spend holidays with a childminder who also looks after a baby!

if you and your DH feel you want another then go for it, if not, leave it.

I'm still going to punch the next person who asks me when i'm having another though !

It's such a personal thing - you need to do what's right for you. DS2 (nearly 5) has been asking for a sibling consistently and persistently for the last 18 months or so, but he's not getting one! Our family is complete, and it's not a decision for a child to make.

I have only 1 child would probably have liked 1 more but it wasn't possible unfortunately.Sometimes I worry that he will be lonely when we're old codgers but so far he is v happy and says he loves being the only one.He certainly gets loads of love and attention

When are you having another, ml?

i begged my friend not to have another - when she asked this very question. and it is a case of "if i only knew.." life is so much easier with one child. but you dont think so at the time. i was an only child and had everything i ever wanted within reason. i cannot give my three children that and my wages are not that duff.

its a quality of life issue i think. i am a strong believer in my quality of life as well as my childrens. i think most parents forget that they are entitled to a quality of life too. and your quality time will diminish further with the number of children you get.

yes all my children each give me diferent pleasures and make me laugh and each have different quirks and mannerisms. however, i also have 3 times the crying, the arguing, the troubles, the homework, fancy dress costumes and anything the teachers decide to send home as a weekend project TIMES 3. my time with each child is split TIMES 3.

if i had only known then .... but it was my circumstances that forced me to strive for a better life - maybe in my situation if i hadnt had 3 kids i wouldnt be much arsed and would still be working at Asda Checkout ( doubt it, iwas trez rubbish, people kept stealing bags of potatos at the bottom of their trolleys - but this was pre bar scanner!)

dont do it. stick with one kid keepin your options open and spending your money on pink shoes with diamante sequins and a little bag to match - or a ticket to see rasmus, brian adams, justin (slurrrp) trousersnake - the things you would otherwise be spending on nappies

Ha ha! :0

Sorry, it really bugs me. Especially as it's normally from people who would know the answer if they stopped and put the pieces together. I'm only 25. DD's conception was one of those "defying medical science" stories and DH told everyone! I was in hospital for most of the pregnancy....now, why is it that with a 3 year old DD we haven't reproduced again?

Other niggles: "the second is easier", well actually the first was a doddle.
"don't you like children then?", reply in head- not yours...

Very personal decision. We always wanted more than one and close together so we're trying for no2 now that ds is 20 months, but that will be it!

In this day and age I don't think only children 'suffer' like they supposedly did in the past. There are so many opportunities for social interaction and I would guess that you have friends with children around the same age who your son will grow up with so he'll have those lifelong relationships. I agree with the others who say you should do what you want to do. DS will be fine either way.

I am an only child. Personally, as a child I loved being an only child. Had occasional dreams of having an older (haha... wasn't good at biology obviously ) brother but mostly was glad to have all the attention, my parents were able to send me to a good school etc.

I think it's important to make sure that an only gets lots of socialisation. I didn't as I was brought up in a village where my parents didn't mix much with local people & children. Even now as an adult I feel quite awkward in busy social situations. But then again, that's me, may be more down to personality than upbringing, and I'm quite happy I'm an introvert too!

As an adult though, I really do wish I had a sibling. Particularly when my dad died, I would have liked someone to share that with who had actually grown up with my parents, iyswim. Dh was ace, but it wasn't quite the same. As my mother gets older, I do find the thought of dealing with an elderly parent on my own quite daunting.

Basically, I think what I'm saying is that it's all swings and roundabouts. I wanted a sibling for ds, but I think if for some reason I couldn't have had one then I'd have lived with that and don't think ds would have suffered for it. If you both want another child then go for it. Don't go for another child just because you think you "ought" to though.

Believe me, this second pregnancy of mine has been TOUGH and there have been moments of ambivalence towards the second child already on my part. If I'd been pregnant out of obligation rather than really wanting another, then I think I'd be having serious regrets already.

I was three when my sister was born and hated her solidly for three years. I really do think people make their choices to have another baby for themselves, not their children.

BTW, my sister is one of my best friends now. And my older daughter adores her baby sister.

Oh, I would say that another pitfall of being an only is that there is a tendency for parents to pin all their hopes and dreams on that one child. I constantly feel that I disappointed my parents by "wasting" my education (as I've been told many times) by not having a high flown career. I'm perfectly happy in my life, but I think that isn't important enough for mum. Please, parents of onlies... let your child just be themselves and live their own dreams (actually, that goes to all parents, not just parents of onlies... I'm terrified of doing the same to my kids... so aware of it).

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I know it is awfully depressing but my aunts best friends daughter died when she was 13 and the one thing the woman said was she wishes she had had a nother child - not sure what I make of it but it would at least fill your life a little - not a reason to have another child though!!

WOuld hate to be an only child and have the burden of an infirm relative though - mind you I have disowned my bastard parents so they are lucky to have my 2 brothers to make the decision to put themin a home - can't see their parners wanting to take on the most awful people in the world when they are even more cantankerous and bastardy!!

Personally I am in the camp of thinking that being an only child must be horrible I was the 3'rd of 3 and DH was the eldest of 3. We are in discussion about going for the third (looking doubtful now). However For us teh difference of going form one to two was that we felt like a 'family' with 2 kids, in a way that we didn't with one. Yes it is more work, yes it is more expensive, but everything outweighs that when you hear your kids playing together and loving each other. With 1 child you probably have to spend loads more time playing and stimulating them, with 2 they play together (when they are not fighting!) I cannot think of one thing that we would not be able to give DD1 that would be better than her sister. What material things do they need? We couldn't have afforded private school for 1, so that makes no difference, we actually LIKE camping holidays and have a tent big enough for an army of kids. OK so if they NEED a new car when they get older they might have to work for it too, and we have to think twice about ski-ing holidays - but that is our loss not thiers. Oh just thought of something, I don't want DD1 to start horse riding lessons as we can't afford them long term Is that a good enough reason!

I don't mean to sound so strident on this one, and I know some people can't actually have more kids - Perhaps you should use this one ML, and make them feel so bad for saying anything. Explain your entire PG history and symptoms, put them off their dinner at least - For me having one child was never an option, it was always going to be 3 (now revised to 2!)

I completely agree, Crunchie. My experience has been that having two is loads easier than having one, but I suppose if they fought all the time it would be different. I have a 3.5 year age gap between mine, boy and girl, and yet they play together loads and really get endless enjoyment from having each other as a sibling. It's this indefinable feeling of being a family as opposed totwo adults plus a child that I really love.

I'm with crunchie, twiglett, and twinkie on this one. From my name, you can see that I've got 2, and we're now thinking about 3. Call it selfish, but I have thought in the awful and unlikely even that I were to lose one child, I would always like to have at least 2. I also think that a sibling is the greatest gift you can give to your only child. If I couldn't have more than 1, I would certainly be okay with it, but if possible I always wanted more than 1. I also believe that we felt much more like a 'family' with 2 babies. Crunchie, I think I could've written your post! I'll start a new thread when it comes time to think about 3 . . .

coming back to this one - we never had any money when we were little - we had hand downs from neighbours, cheap toys, cheap food, shared bedrooms, one bathroom/toilet between 6, one downstairs room, cramped little kitchen but every one of those rooms was packed to the rafters with love. You don't need expensive stuff - you may think you do - I was always jealous of my friend who was an only child and whos parents were both teachers. They lived in a lovely bungalow, she had new sindys or sindy cars or horses every Friday, her gran bought her a brand new car when she was 18 - I found out years later that she was always jealous of me and my loving family - I did not know it but her dad was an alcoholic and her mum was depressed. I don't think this is down to material possessions - it is down to if you want more than one kid. If you do - go for it- love them as much as you can and do your best for them but don't ever think that you can make a perfect life for any number of children with expensive trinkets - it doesn't work that way

Sorry, I really find the idea that if one child were to die you'd have a few "spare" really really horrific. I know it's a natural biological response and all, but I think that losing any child would be a terrible experience whether you had one child or twenty. You can never replace that individual... never... and I would hate to think of any of my children as the "replacement" or "back up".

Sorry, but those comments made me feel really ill.

I think it is a personal decision. I wanted more than one child and so did dh and we could afford more than one so we now have two which is enough for us at our age and with our income. I was a middle child and would dearly have loved to be an only child. Only now are my brother and sister my friends - we used to argue constantly. I think my dd wouldn't have minded if a baby brother hadn't come along apart from the fact she would have no-one to tease. She is closer to her cousin who is a girl so perhaps she would have preferred a sister but as another poster said the sex can't be ordered.