Do you think it is important to have more than one child?

[Chester]

I have a 3 year old son, my husband and I cannot decide if we would like another child. We both want to give our child/ children everything they need in life but may not be able to if we have a second child. Our son has been asking for the last 9 months for a little brother or sister. Would we be depriving him of something if we did not give him a brother or sister to grow up with? Please comment as this matter is driving us mad!!!!

It really has to be personal choice.

I didn't get on with my sister and we are not even in contact any more (may have something to do with the fact that she is such a selfish bitch, though - sorry).

But DS loves DD to bits - there are 3 years between them, and I was worried about the jealousy thing - but I involved him in everything, (except for the pain), and he just adores DD. I remember their 1st Xmas together - she was only 3 months old, and I shed a tear just watching him with her, I was so happy I'd given him a sibling, as I could see right from the start how much he benefited. Even more apparent now she is 19mths, and they can play together properly!!!!

Thats a hard one to answer. Some people only want an only child when some want 5 or 6 children. Its up the parents. I expect there is benifits of being an only child as there would be if the child had siblings. I don';t think anyone can really answer that, its down to you and your partner.

My father is an only child and when both his parents died my brother and I could see how "alone" he was (he was divorced from my mother). My mother on the other hand has a brother and when their parents died they took consolation from each other and relied heavily on each other for support, and still are very close.

This made me certain that if I had kids I would have two so that (amongst other reasons) they would have each other to lean on when we are no longer around.

Haven't read all the posts on this board, so may be repeating what another poster has already said, but IMO you have to decide this for yourselves and not for the sake of your DS. A three year old child has no idea at all about whether they "really" want a brother or sister.

I would have thought that if you don't have an really strong impulse driving you to have another child, then you probably don't "want" one. That's the way I feel anyway. (I'm PG with my third, btw.)

Oh, Tanzie, I am one of four children but none of my siblings has ever had my mother for Christmas. In fact, I don't think any of my siblings has even bothered to go and see my mum for the last two years.

Mum is okay healthwise atm but I can see the day when I am the one who will have to pick up the pieces, despite having siblings with whom I ought to be able to share the burden.

We had this very debate for about 3 years, and have just had our second. Our son is 6 years old and absolutely dotes on his little sister. He too was asking for ages and actually getting cross with us for not producing a dd or ds because all his mates have them! It's added a lot to our house and feels more like a family. Having said that there won't be as much cash sloshing around - but I guess people are more important than things/other opportunities.

If it feels right, then go for it. If you're unsure, then probably go for it too! But don't if in your heart of hearts you don't want another one.

Have fun trying!

Is an inability to provide everything for 2 your only reason Chester? If so, I'd say have another child, a sibling is more precious than material things. We are not sure how we will cope with putting 2 children through educaiton and university but we hope we will find a way as we so desperately want another child. We might not be able to afford options such as private schooling and expensive holidays when we have 2 children but I think those things are less important. I am biased as I am really close to my brother and consider him one of my best freinds. His partner is an only child and, until she was with my brother, spent alot of Christmases on her own.

But, if you just dont feel the desire to have another child, then go with it, you know in your gut how you really feel.

Adding to what Suedonim said... My mum was one of five siblings and she (Mum) took on the huge task of taking care of my aging grandparents; only one of her brothers visited on anything like a regular basis. Another brother died before his parents, but the oldest 2 siblings spent most of my gran's post-memorial service slagging her off. Mum was determined that her parents would never go into a care-home, all the other siblings would have been glad to dump them there. And maybe that would have been best, because looking after them caused my mother a huge amount of stress and hard work for the last 8 years of my grandparents' lives, (as they became increasingly confused). This was time that took away from our own family. What's worse, they would have rather gone into a care-home than deplete their savings by having more expensive private care at home, but Mum didn't respect that wish, either, because she was so convinced that they would decline even faster in a care-home.

Because of all that I feel very strongly that you shouldn't have children in the expectation that they will help each other, like each other, or look after you when you get old. Even if you think those are fair expectations, you run a very high risk of being disappointed.

This thread has reminded me of some writing my ds2 did in Year 1 entitled My Brother:
"Sometimes he is cross but sometimes he is the best boy in the world and I love him!
I say you are the goodest boy in the world. My brother always says I love you."
Underneath his teacher has written "I'm sure your brother loves you just as much". Ahhh.
That's why it's important (for me) to have more than one child

I would say, get a dog! The problems and stress my family have caused me recently makes me wish I was an only child!!!

I'm sure that at the moment you can only think of the benefits of having another baby, so let me remind you of what you will have to cope with, just so you have all the info you need:
Night-time feeds with no chance of catching up on sleep during the day because of your eldest;
Your son bounding up and down, full of energy, whilst you feel like a zombie;
Going anywhere is twice as hard as you have 2 of them to get ready;
You cannot leave a toddler and a baby alone together, so nothing that you do is private;
No housework gets done at all as you are too tired and too exhausted with the children to do anything else;
They might not get on at all and fight like cat and dog;
You are pulled in all directions, from your son, your baby and your husband;
Getting a babysitter is nigh impossible as no-one wants to babysit for two children;
Your washing basket is ALWAYS overflowing;
Your hardly ever have any time alone with your new baby;
You suddenly realise just how easy it all was with just the one!

So get a dog for a while, and if you still want a baby, just visit your friends who do have more than one and see how they cope.

FWIW - if you're unsure about having a second, rather than absolutely adamant you don't want another, then don't leave it too long. Fate can be a right bugger and, if you wait for the right moment, you might end up discovering you've left it too late.

sorry if anyone has mentioned this - haven't read the thread in detail but I have a kind of theory that it's more 'important' for girls to have siblings than boys. Not even sure why I think this except that I have 2 sisters and they are way up there with the best things in my life, yet I've not met many brothers who are so close

At the risk of making people feel sick. Dh and I always wanted at least 2 children, but dh got more anxious about having the second when his friend lost a 3 yr old... dh said he wanted 'a spare'...Now she's here and very much loved for herself.. Dh is now asking for a spare ds and a spare dd...but with a grin.

If you would like another baby then go for it. How much would you be depriving your son of if you had just one more? I am one of three, and am now glad that I have my siblings to share the responsibility for my mother. They are great for lots of other reasons too!!!! There is more to life than material things, and you cannot have too many people to love in your life, either for you or your son.

I was 'effectively' an only child. My brother and sister are 14 and 10 years older than me, and had left home by the time I was 6. I recall being bored shitless during long school holidays, being resentful that I didn't have easy options for someone to play with etc. It probably made me quite introspective - but then the upside of that is I became very bookish and quite academic. I would have preferred a sibling close to my age...even if I had spent lots of time squabbling with them. It would have balanced my adult dominated world.

Still that's just my personal experience, not saying that you 'should' have another child!

Hi Rhubarb, lovely to see you posting. Sorry you sound like it's a bit tough atm.

ooo squrimyworm, not sure that's true. DP and his brother are joined at the bloody hip!

katierocket/squirmyworm - My DH and his brother are really good mates and would be lost without the other. BIL is in OZ for a year or so at moment and both are really feeling it.

i have never thought of no2 as a spare - but do understand the thought process. i think of it more as a reason to go on living if anything happened to ds.

I suppose it is something that only you can decide. You need to weigh up everything - what will you gain/lose and also what will your ds gain/lose in terms of time, money but also a playmate.

Just to add, whilst I'm sure it is true that losing a child is the most terrible thing, no matter how many you have, a family we know did lose one of their sons recently in a car crash, but said that their other children were a huge comfort to them, and that they could not have got through it without them. Obviously they weren't 'spares', but they clearly valued extremely highly the support they had been given by their children.

so many interesting points of view.

Custardo totally trivial, off topic question but what sort of school uniform haspon to be ironed every night? No wonder you say no way!

anyway back to topic. To me it boils down to a belief in the power of unconditional love.

I am an only child. Both my parents are dead. They loved me unconditionally - I felt that love all the time. It was like no other love. Couldn't compare to the love I got from from friends or lovers. It was family love. I don't know if siblings give each other unconditional love as I am an only child. I like to think they do. The whole blood is thicker than water thing.

Right now I feel there is no one to give me unconditional love - my husband loves me, but he chose me. The sheer act of choosing me means his love for me is different. There are expectations from him to me and me to him. I can visualise me doing something awful and him stopping loving me. I could never visualise that with my parents. My children give me unconditional love, it is true, but as they are children, they are at the taking more than giving stage - I cannot lean on them. I can just look forward to that love growing. My husband's parents say they love me, but however nice they are to me, they love me on certain terms. I expect if dh and I broke up and dh was distraught, they would side with him against me. So my children are my only source of unconditional love.

I think, if I had a brother or sister, there would be someone else in my life who loves me unconditionally. I wanted my son to have more chance of unconditional love throughout his life and that was a major reason why I had another child. I wanted some part of the family my son grew up with to be there for him in his old age. In a way it's an extension of the reason for having an heir and a spare. That point about having two children so if one dies, one is left, well in my opinion that holds true for whole families. It is what happens to us all.

Families die - mine did with the death of my parents. I have joined a new one and there is lots of love in it. But with no brother or sister to remember my first family with me, my life will always be divided into two parts. One family died and one family was bought to life. My first family gave me unconditional love and my second family give me conditional love.

Do siblings love each other unconditionally if things don't go wrong? I feel they must do, as they did not choose each other. Am I painting too rosy a picture of sibling bonds? I don't know. I am sure in bigger families, with lots of aunts, uncles and cousins, there is far more unconditinal love sloshing around, far more chances of shared family memories if the extended family is close knit. In that case having an only child is not such a big deal.

It was a real struggle to go back to have another child after my first and we nearly didn't do it. But for me it is so important that our son does not outlive all his first family and lose all our unconditional love.

not every night - maybe 2 - 3 times a week - if they keep it clean

BTW, my DD has changed her tune. She no longer wnats a baby sister, she wants a BIG sister 9preferably with long bonde hair and sparkles). I think her CM's 15 year old DD is responsible for the switch!

i think siblings do have conditions i think we all have conditions. i too am an only child. outside my children and husband i have a nan who helped to bring me up when my dad died when i was 4. my mum and my uncle. i havent spoken to my uncle for 12 years becuase he is not a nice person. it pains me to think about. i do not speak to my mother who was also very nasty in february and said unforgivable things. i do not need mean people in my life. i make sure my mum gets help from the doctor and social services. i ring up behind the scenes to make sure someone is looking in on her. but i will never speak to her again. my family is my husband and children. my children love me unconditionally. and my husband will always love me unless i sleep with someone else ( and visa versa). the breadth and depth of love in my house is amazing i am truly lucky. but i am too old to be putting up with mean people - family or no.

That's a really moving and thought-provoking post, Tigermoth, as ever. I like to think my sister and I love each other unconditionally in that we are both very different but only support each other, never criticise. We are allies in the face of our parents' advancing years and increasing eccentricities.
Custardo's also right though - I'm not sure I'd love my sister, or she me, if we were mean to each other in the way that only families can be.