Do you think it is important to have more than one child?

[Chester]

I have a 3 year old son, my husband and I cannot decide if we would like another child. We both want to give our child/ children everything they need in life but may not be able to if we have a second child. Our son has been asking for the last 9 months for a little brother or sister. Would we be depriving him of something if we did not give him a brother or sister to grow up with? Please comment as this matter is driving us mad!!!!

it's interesting as a lot of my DH's issues with his family stem from his desire to have this sort of "unconditional love" from his parents and siblings and their inability to give it. He hurts because he thinks it's his fault that his family don't feel like that about him which as an outsider i can see simply isn't the case.

Similarly I can and do forgive my mum anything and everything but have no relationship at all with my 2 middle sisters.

I'm one of two and I have never got on with my big brother ( 4 years older ) combination of being too similar ( both Aeries wanting to be first in everything ) and have nothing in common other than the obvious.

I desperately want my boys to get on when they are older and wanted two close in age so that they grow up together. But on the other hand there is no guarantee, they are already really different - hopefully that means they won't be competing.

I am one of 3 and whilst sometimes my family situation has been suffocating I have learnt a lot from it. Mt mum is an only child and I really wish and I know she does too, that she had siblings. My grandparents are both ill and she is coping on her own with it all. I also found growing up as my dad worked away my sisters and me became her 'sisters' which was really unhealthy, but she had no one else to turn to. I don't blame her for this but it has marred our relationship. I have 2 sons at the mo and would like more but am waiting until I am ready. I guess I would say take everything into account but at the same time if u r not ready then it is unfair to yourself and your son to have another child.

I have almost no contact with my brother at all, so no, having a sibling most definitely does not guarantee unconditional love - I think a quick look around Mumsnet proves that, sadly. I don't think anyone will ever love us the way our mothers did (for most of us). I don't think anyone will love my ds the way I do, but he will have different relationships in the future - more equal if less unconditional.
My friend has two children, one with a somewhat precarious health problem linked to a brain tumour in childhood which means they might die. She says it is a comfort to have two children. she says, if one of her children died, at least she would still be able to actively be a mother, and equally importantly the fabric of her life - school runs, homework, family holidays, swimming lessons etc - would remain at least partially intact. Her son would be irreplaceable, but her 'role' would still exist.

I think so much hurt must arise when siblings don't get on. As marina says they can be mean and only family can be. But when I look around my friends - the friends who have siblings that is - most have at least some contact with their brothers or sisters. Even those who don't get on on a friendship level would be there for the other in times of crisis. Behind the animosity is a bond.

In my opinion, society still has a strong expectation that close family support each other when push comes to shove. You might hate them, but you will step in if they are in mortal danger. You would not want to see your hated sibling begging in the street, your odious mum thrown out of her home. Even if it's nothing else but family pride - you're more likely to step in and help. You know if you don't, you risk being criticised and questioned by society. Society IMO expects families to have some unconditional love for each other except in the most extreme circumstances. It is seen as more acceptable IMO to walk away from a failing friendship or even a marriage and absolutely wash your hands of that person. Walk away - and I mean totally walk away - from a failing relationship with your sister or mother - who really does that? I know a few do, but I'd say far more people walk away from friends and people they have chosen to love. The sheer fact you have chosen someone frees you to unchose them. You just don't have the same moral obligation.

Tigermoth, my brother & I were so close as children that we would choose to spend time together instead of with friends. Ours was a very insular relationship. He left home (aged 18) the weekend I got married because he couldn't bear to be there without me. (Think it was that I shielded him from mum & dad, rather than missing me )

He spent several years in squats. He would do nothing for his family, but his friends got everything he could give. We had him live with us for 2 months,nearly wrecked my marriage & he threw it back in our faces. I've tried to heal the breach & we've visited him in every "new" flat he's had (a huge number), but we've been living in this house for 7.5 years & he has never been here.

We asked him & his wife to come away on holiday with us- (for free)- they turned up at the caravan park, he made some snotty comments about the decor of the caravans- they stayed ONE night then went home. He is a complete snob & won't put himself out for any member of his family, especially if there is a friend to see instead. he was supposed to take my mum to see his DD on her birthday but decided to go on to friends after & made her drive herself...

He was there when my father died & helped me with mum; but he alienated our grandparents years ago & was the missing link when we needed him for them. We take my mum on holiday with us- he says he's "not that stupid". I'm dreading the time she becomes old & frail because the burden will fall on me. I just hope my own kids will be there to pick up the slack.

He can't stand my kids & won't spend more than a few minutes in their company. When they were little his own DD (same age) would roll around him & climb on him & he'd be all lovey-dovey, but mine would try it & he'd immediately be "get off". He speaks ABOUT them with contempt & doesn't speak TO them at all.

DHs brothers are fairly human but he's seen them once in the last 7 years, despite the fact that one lives 10 minutes up the road & the other about 25 miles!

I don't think the non-conditionality of parental love necessarily applies to adult siblings.