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Original poster

Do you think it is important to have more than one child?

107 replies

Chester · 19/04/2004 15:10

I have a 3 year old son, my husband and I cannot decide if we would like another child. We both want to give our child/ children everything they need in life but may not be able to if we have a second child. Our son has been asking for the last 9 months for a little brother or sister. Would we be depriving him of something if we did not give him a brother or sister to grow up with? Please comment as this matter is driving us mad!!!!

OP posts:

tamum · 19/04/2004 16:47

I agree Georgina

Hulababy · 19/04/2004 16:51

I have one DD - 24 months - and have no plans on having any more. Our family unit feels complete as it is. I don't think we will be driving DD of anything either though - she already goes to nursery, she has little friends there and outside of nursery. She will go to school and have friends there. We are prepared to take a friend on holiday with us in the future if she wishes, etc.

I am one of the 3 - the eldest. My brother is only 16 months older but we didn't really play together beyond toddlerhood. Once at school we each had our own friends. My sister is 10 years younger than me so in effect grew up as an only 'child' for much of her childhood. Both my parents come from large families too - 6 and 7. But no wish to replicate

Hulababy · 19/04/2004 16:53

I think I agree too Georgina now thought about it. I think is such awful circumstances you'd be devasted regardless and no other child could make up for that. So don't think having 1 or 10 children would make much difference if I was ever in such tragic circumstances.

GeorginaA · 19/04/2004 16:53

Okay, advantages of being an only child (she says, being pregnant with the second... but hey, trying to "selfishly" redress the balance here!)

More independent
Able to self-entertain
Possible to offer better educational attention to that child (whether through better schooling, or through just having more time to help with homework, etc)
A sense of responsibility for one's own possessions (hey, if it's broken it's because you broke it)
A sense of responsibility for your own actions (no sibling to lay the blame on).

Of course, these advantages are not exclusive to only children just as the disadvantages are not exclusive - you can balance these out by just being aware of your parenting style. Just pointing out that it's not horrible to be an only child and it's not all disadvantages!

iota · 19/04/2004 16:53

Georgina and Tamum - I have 2 boys and I love them both dearly for their own personalities. If something happened to one of them, at least we would still be a family of 3.
I know losing a child would be a dreadful thing to happen, but surely it would be even worse to lose your only child and all the things that go with being a parent?
Surely we are not talking about replacement or 'spares' but still being a parent and having a family.

GeorginaA · 19/04/2004 16:56

That family would still have a gaping hole though - as that person who was once there is now gone. I'm sorry, I can't see that the gaping wound would be less just because you had one more child.

iota · 19/04/2004 16:59

My children are still very small - 2 and 4, so they are both very dependent on us parents - Having one child still to care for would give me a purpose in life and a reason to go on.

What a horrible topic - I really don't want to think about it

katierocket · 19/04/2004 17:00

I am one of 4 and would like to have 2 myself (at the moment just the one ds 2.6). Mainly because I really want another child and also as I think it can be lonely as an only child BUT an ex of mine was an only child and he was the most resourceful person I've ever met - totally able to amuse himself for hours on end. Being the youngest of four am I used to being entertained and I find it hard sometimes if there is no-one else around. I don't think it necessarily follows that that an only child is a lonely child though - all depends on interaction with friends, relatives etc

I do find it very odd to talk about it being better to have more than one in case you lost the only one you'd got.

katierocket · 19/04/2004 17:01

but iota surely that's not a reason to have another.

Furball · 19/04/2004 17:05

We've got one child - Ds now 2.8, we're only having DS. He fills all OUR needs in life and DH and I both feel our family is complete. I have an older brother who I'm not and never have been very close with, which I suppose has helped me with my decision, so just because you have more doesn't mean life will be one big happy family.

eddm · 19/04/2004 17:05

But royal and aristocratic families do talk about having an heir and a spare...

iota · 19/04/2004 17:05

Katierocket, I'm not really sure why we had 2 children, but both of us have siblings so it seemed the norm.

When we were thinking about it, we were worried that ds1 was so perfect(of course) that another child couldn't match up to him - turned out to be rubbish - my 2 boys are their own little personalities and I love them both dearly - had better stop now and get ds2 from nursery.

BadHair · 19/04/2004 17:16

I'm an only child and I'm with GeorginaA all the way on this. I got all the love in the world from my parents, a good education etc, but the whole time I was growing up I'd have given anything for a brother or sister. Just someone to share the responsibility of being someone's only daughter, the person to whom all my parents' hopes and dreams were pinned. They didn't pressurise me to do anything other than go to university, but now that I'm 33 I'm still aware that they'd like me to have a better career, have had a big posh wedding, have a better house etc. If you have brothers and sisters you don't get the same feeling that you have to fulfill your folks' dreams aswell as or instead of your own.
I've got 2 dses of my own and just before ds2 was born I was worried that I might not love him as much as ds1, that I wouldn't get to spend as much time with ds1, that he would feel lonely and rejected due to the new arrival. None of that really happened, save for a few initial hiccups, and now I'm so glad that I have the 2 of them together.
At the end of the day, whatever any of us say, its your family and your choice.

Tortington · 19/04/2004 17:20

i'm stuck on money becuase i an painfully aware that my children have had times when we were dreadfully horribly poor. you do have to be able to afford to have children like it or not.

living for you children -or children giving you a purpose is something i have seen with other mums ( not dads) and is something i just cannot identify with - what happens when they leave home? i like to think i have built a life for me not for my children - maybe becuase of them though!

it comes down to aptitude too. i was the worst mum when the kids were little. i didnt know what i was doing, finances and other terrible worries on top of trying to do the hardest job in the wrold- be a parent. i seriously have not got the aptitude to be around small children - i dislike them and am bloody awful with them. we all have differing strengths and weaknesses. we are not all good parents - we may be fabulous with two children and lose the plot with three or visa versa.

we all have different standards of life and expectations from it too. i live in a shit hole which most people would puke at. but them i dont consider a perfect house or a tidy house the be all and end al of life. take ironing for instance - surely ironing for one child is easier than ironing for three? washing up? if you have a job its harder coming home at 5pm and doing homework with three kids - takes you to about 6.30 whilst ducking into the kitchen to peel potatos and cook the tea, take the dog out, make sure kids have everything for tomorrow, do a bit of washing and drying and we are back to the ironing - thats where i say fuck it - iron it yourself. most mums would puke at the thought of their 11 year olds ironing their own uniform. i however would rather have a cup of coffee. Now if i only had one child i may well do all the ironing and have a "best room" and all that keep up with the Jones' stuff - as it happens i havent got the time.

which brings me back to personal circumstance.

Hulababy · 19/04/2004 17:22

Don't forget that having more than one child will not guarnatee you a fab, loving happy family with siblings who get on and play together all the time. Siblings can be the cause of many rifts in families, and can cause a number of unsaid issues too - jealousy, comteitiveness, vying for attention, etc. No one way is the best way for happy family life I am afraid. You have to do what is best for you and your family - not for anyone else.

Tortington · 19/04/2004 17:24

and another thing. i cannot say i know of a family who like all their siblings as adults. all the people iknow row with their adult borthers and sisters. the jealousy continues into adulthood - mum loves her children more than mine, mum gave her kids more than mine for birthday etc.

as an only child i am so glad i dont have brothers or sisters. the only family i have to concentrate on is my hubby and kids. i am the sole responsable person to look after my 65 yr old mum wh lives 300 miles away and is going insane. - this would not be easier if i had brothers or sisters. becuase resentment of the fact that they had to do all the work would come into it i am certain.

sibling rows and rivalry is horrible with adults and tears families apart. glad i dont have that problem frankly

katierocket · 19/04/2004 17:24

good points custardo and hulababy

Tortington · 19/04/2004 17:25

cwoor hulababy great minds or what!

katierocket · 19/04/2004 17:27

and also, surely so much of this is down to personality - personality of parents and personality of children.

you may have one child and be the best parent in the world - you might have 4 and be demanding and expecting of them. You might fight with your brothers and sisters, you might get on like a house on fire.

you just can't know.

Hulababy · 19/04/2004 17:27

LOL custardo!

I just wonder sometimes why people with one child are foten made to feel like they should have to justify it, but people with more than one don't. Don't know the answer I just know I just want one child. The thought of simply going through the ttc bit again is enough to put me off anyway!

katierocket · 19/04/2004 17:29

hulababy - and don't you find that somehow you're not considered a proper parent if you only have one? "oh well it's soooo much harder with 2/3 blah blah"

Hulababy · 19/04/2004 17:31

Oh I have heard that one too katierocket. Grrrrr! My arguement there - well, you have 2 to entertain each other LOL - the debate could go on for ever and not ever get resolves couldn't it. I can see the arguements for both sides but just thing people need to make decisions for themselves on this one - and to remember when it comes to families NOTHING is ever that simple!

2babies · 19/04/2004 17:35

Chester, I think what you can take from this entire thread is that this is a very personal decision. I don't think it's something you can rationalize or make lists of pros/cons. A friend of mine said that you either know you're done or you know you're not. In my case, after 1, I knew I wasn't done - I wanted another. Surprisingly after 2, I still don't know I'm done.

So despite all of the talk about having 'a spare' etc., I think it really comes down to whether or not you feel like you're done - for whatever reason.

roisin · 19/04/2004 18:24

I do think it's unfair that parents of 'an only child' have to justify it in some way. I often think that if we only had ds1 people would constantly say he is 'like that' because he's an only child. (He's quite eccentric, and not brilliant on social skills.) Except he's not an only child. IYSWIM!

twiglett · 19/04/2004 18:26

message withdrawn

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