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Original poster

Do you think it is important to have more than one child?

107 replies

Chester · 19/04/2004 15:10

I have a 3 year old son, my husband and I cannot decide if we would like another child. We both want to give our child/ children everything they need in life but may not be able to if we have a second child. Our son has been asking for the last 9 months for a little brother or sister. Would we be depriving him of something if we did not give him a brother or sister to grow up with? Please comment as this matter is driving us mad!!!!

OP posts:

AussieSim · 19/04/2004 19:15

I didn't used to think I would mind having one, then I saw how much time and effort my next door neighbour has to put in to entertaining her only dd, then I finally got the whole 'they play together argument'. I also joke with people that I have to have more than one for insurance, should one turn out crap or whatever. It also sticks with me that my mum said to me when I was a teenager that she wishes she had had more than 2 kids as we don't visit her enough (me more than my brother of course - until I moved to Germany that is - SEE!) Anway, who knows if we will be able to have more ...

StripyMouse · 19/04/2004 19:23

This has to be a personal thing - as others have already said. Saying that, we chose to have a second child with the usual concerns about whether we could love them the same amount and how we would dedicate enough time to them both. As it is, it is just wonderful having two children and watching them interact and openly love each other is just magical. I was one of three and as a child would probably have wished being an only child as we fought all the time. However, I am now very close to my siblings and am so glad that they are in my life - and that my children have such great aunties and uncles around. It is the next generation that benefits from an extended family as well as the immediate generation.
In answer to your question, I don?t think he would be "deprived", he would just have a different set of life expereinces thats all.

2babies · 19/04/2004 19:29

Well-said, Stripymouse. I particularly like your point about the future generations appreciating it. I have 3 siblings, and all of us have children. I love watching my 2 children playing with all of their cousins.

tallulah · 19/04/2004 20:52

As the eldest of 2 I've often wished there was a 3rd of us to share the burden of my pain-in-the-bum brother.

My 4 often ask me why they couldn't have been an only-then last week DS2 (14) suddenly asks for a baby sister!

Chester, only have a 2nd child if you & your DH are sure that you want a 2nd child for YOU, NOT for your DS.

collision · 19/04/2004 21:04

I agree with Tallulah......only if you want one should you have one.

However, I am one of 5 and dh has a brother and when we were deciding to have a sibling for ds, dh was very unsure as it is such hard work having children and he loves ds and would be happy for him to be the only one, but I asked him what his childhood would have been like without his brother and he said he would have been lonely. I have seen only-ones on holidays and outings with parents and they look so bored etc whereas if there is a sibling to scrap and play with - it is so much fun.

I am now 10 weeks PG and there will be a 2yr 7month gap which I am pleased about. HTH

suedonim · 19/04/2004 21:19

I really don't think anyone should have a baby for anyone else's sake, it has to be what you and your dh want. There must be millions of only children who have grown up just as happily as those in sibling families. They will have different experiences, but that doesn't mean one is better or worse than the other. My mum is an only (as was my dad - no aunts or uncles for me!) and says that she would have liked a sibling to get older with. But otoh, her childhood as an only was wonderful, so she reaped the benefit then, whereas it was a bit of a struggle for me to be heard in our family of four siblings.

Re the comment about not being a proper mother if you have one child. When our dd1 goes to uni next year we'll just have 8yo dd at home and I'm worried about not being regarded as a proper mother. I don't know why I feel this way, as my SIL and my nieces have only children and I've never considered them anything but real mums!!

marialuisa · 19/04/2004 21:31

Sorry, but I have to refute claims that only children demand and are given more attention by their parents. We certainly have a policy of "benign neglect" and DD has always been perfectly happy to entertain herself. I think the amount of parental attention a child needs is down to the parents/child and their personalities not being an only.

Excuse rant earlier but having gone through the process of accepting I'd never have a child of my own at an early age and then watching my mum go through 2 unplanned and not paticularly welcome late pregnancies I was euphoric to have DD and the tutting at her being an "only" still winds me up. Normally I don't see why I should have to justify this, after all many of the same people would be outraged if I asked why on earth they were having another child....

walnuttree · 19/04/2004 21:37

Chester, I think you should do what you feel is right for you. I have one daughter - for health reasons I could not have any more.

We have a very close and loving relationship, which I find very rewarding. It can be hard, though, when you want to switch off and you are the only one there for them to play with ! It can also be hard when they have problems with their friends. You worry that they may be lonely. I suppose I would have had another child if it had been possible for my daughter's sake, so she wouldn't feel lonely later on. But who can guarantee that siblings will always get on ?

I have two brothers and always wished I could have a sister. I tell her that if she ever moans ! I also point out the advantages - all my attention, all the treats going. You have to be careful not to spoil or pressurise - just to give them your love.

Are there any other mothers of only children out there - especially 8 year old girls ?! It would be lovely to get in touch.

LHP · 19/04/2004 21:41

This is a subject close to my heart as have recently been wrestling with same descision - settled on stiking to just the one DS and and agree with comments of Custardo; but just want to add that for me it also came down to the effect a second ch would have on my relationship with DH. With one DS I can work pt, and I know that DH will turn his hand to cleaning, cooking etc blah etc out of nessessity BUT I just know that were we to have NO2, I couldnt afford to work, so all that boring housework crap would suddenly become my job. That and the fact that I know he would be off doing all the fun things such as swimming, going to dinosaur exhibitions, bike riding etc that we are just starting to be able to do with 2:6 DS, and I would be stuck at home with a baby. Those were my reasons, but in the end only you can decide what is right for your family, and no-one ever says "I really regret having my child"

hercules · 19/04/2004 21:45

it took us 7 years to decide to have another and we did feel selfish during that time as were worried when we died he'd be alone. However that was not reason enough and it was only when we actually wanted another did we so have 8 year gap. Really happy we did have another.
i have to say for us only having one child ds did get treated more older in the way we talked to him etc as it didnt feel like we hade a small child in many ways and he was like one of us iyswim.

tanzie · 19/04/2004 22:36

I am an "only" and was determined to have more than one. Being an only child is fine, it is when you are older and your parents get ill/die that the problems start and I wish I had had someone to share them with me over the past 5 years - even for someone just to have my Mum for Christmas would help, or to listen to her rantings.

tanzie · 19/04/2004 22:40

And I agree with everything GeorginaA has written!

Janh · 19/04/2004 22:46

This girl was an only child...

Yes, the idea of a "spare" is awful, but only having one and then losing him or her is better????

GeorginaA · 19/04/2004 22:47

Steady on, tanzie

Perhaps us onlies could pool our elderly parents into one home and draw up a rota Or even better, pair them off so they'd leave us alone...

GeorginaA · 19/04/2004 22:49

Janh - I'm sorry, I just don't see there is a better or worse in the situation of losing a child.

My father died at the age of 52 and my grandmother was devastated. You should never have to outlive your children. She has another son. Do you think that's any sort of consolation to her?!

ks · 19/04/2004 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hercules · 19/04/2004 22:51

I have to say although ds and dd are far apart in age they adore each other and are always interacting with each other.

tanzie · 19/04/2004 22:54

Georgina - I agree again! Can my Mum come to you next Christmas then?

Janh · 19/04/2004 23:00

GA, no, not better or worse, but losing your only seems most unbearable.

mears · 19/04/2004 23:05

I haven't read everyone else's replies but what you posted is exactly what very close friends of ours said to us once.

However, my friend's brother dies of lung cancer at the age of 34yrs and he and his wife realised that their daughter had no other family members to turn to in times of crisis. They went on to habe 2 other children when their first daughter was 8 tears old.

I have 4 children and am one of 5 myself. We may not get on all the time but in times of crisis we all pull together. There is a differenet relationship between siblings and friends IMO. I am so happy to have 4 sisters and feel secure that my children will have each other in adulthood. I know that is not always the case but it was important to me to have that family bond.

mears · 19/04/2004 23:09

Can I say that my youngest who is 10 yrs old is desperate to be a 'big sister'. I would love to oblige but have been surgically 'seen to'. She will get over it

Paula71 · 19/04/2004 23:50

I am an only child and I was desperate for a sibling but as my parents had me late (39 and 50 yrs old) there was no chance. Despite having a large family I was very isolated - picked on by them for not having a brother or sister.

I am also a social disaster area, there is a book about being an only child, how to survive it and for the first time, after reading that book, I realised I wasn't alone - if you get my drift.

It is entirely up to you Chester, what do you think your child needs more, siblings or material things (I am presuming that is what you mean by "everything they need in life." Believe me ds twins were a surprise and we are financially at the bottom of the bucket but I wouldn't change this for anything. I guess you just have to prioritise what you want in life?

Paula71 · 19/04/2004 23:50

How did that wink happen? !

nightowl · 19/04/2004 23:57

I always wanted two children...as a child i had an awful time and never had anyone to turn to...as it happens now, the only family i have is my mother and if anything ever happened to her i would be completely alone. Its a scary thought and something i didnt ever want ds to have to deal with. (plus i wanted two in any case)Obviously, that doesnt apply to everyone but just from my own experience, i would have given up every toy i owned to have a brother or sister.

GeorginaA · 20/04/2004 07:32

Erm tanzie, I was actually veering towards the "pairing them up so they'll leave us alone" option

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