Anti-tips for the broody

[motherinferior]

A snuffly snotty DD2 has effectively quenched all broody thoughts in the Inferiority Complex. I realised I could get much the same effect as a new baby by buying a radio alarm clock and programming it to go off at random times in the night.

And then I started thinking of other tips for curbing any inclination to reproduction. Rather like CD's Baby Annabel. These aren't the unrealistic'octupus in a string bag' ones (where on earth do you get an octupus, anyway?) but some things you can fit easily into your day, with very little cost or effort to yourself...just try a few and you WILL see results very soon!

For instance:

Scribble on your own walls.
Have a really nice night out. Write down all the things about it you particularly enjoy. Then go to your local supermarket instead, and note the differences between them.
Read the film reviews. Select three films you would really, really like to see. Then don't.
Watch Barney the Dinosaur.
Put on your slinkiest outfit and admire yourself in the mirror. Think about never wearing it again.
Watch Clifford the Big Red Dog.
Read the autobiography of anyone who worked for Margaret Thatcher - a small imperious autocrat who didn't think other people needed much sleep. Mull over your shudders (this works particularly well if you have a curly blonde like dd1).
Cook a delicious meal which should really be eaten straightaway. Leave it for two hours.

Er...any other suggestions?

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(ahem sorry, spelled Octopus wrong too, see what motherhood does...)

Buy an expensive dry clean only silky sexy type top. Wipe your hands in chip fat and make handprints all over it.
Start having great and very quiet sex, then freeze midway, several times, as if the baby was waking. Get up during it a few times too and then give up altogether
Get a horse to kick you in the fanny (with apologies to you MI as I believe you used this phrase first )
Start reading a fascinating book. Then stop and leave it for 4 years.
Get up and walk out of the house with just your keys, purse, phone and older child. Then go back, get a bag with nappies, wipes, bottles, formula, dummies, a buggy and a bag of cement. Sorry, a bit octopus like but there you go
Start typing on mumsnet and

To follow on from JMG1, make yourself a cup of coffee and then leave it to go cold. Repeat the process at frequent intervals throughout the day.

tape a jack hammer and play it in your car for an entire journey somewhere ( child screaming is about the same decibels)

get dressed ready to go to work or out, then get some porridge or sour milk and have your partner put it on your shoulder - just out of reach.....

Just thought of another - alternatively, on your nextlong car journey stop at a service station and buy a CD of children's songs: preferably one including Miss Polly had a Dolly and The Wheels on the Bus. Play it incessantly for the rest of the journey.

Brush large amounts of milk on to your shoulders, allowing some to drip down onto your back. Leave it there for the rest of the day so that you can recreate that 'spit-up' fragrance. For added authenticity make sure your clothing is dark and that you have to go out urgently.

It's pouring with rain. Go outside with a pushchair and walk around the block for 1/2 hour to replicate trying to get your baby to sleep for his nap (only way I managed with DS).

It's Sunday. Get up at 6am. Buy a Sunday paper, don't read it and throw it out on Thursday.

these are brilliant but the Margaret Thatcher bit was scary!!!

Make a tape of you saying 'Look Mummy!' repeatedly. Play this very loudly whilst you try to have a conversation with friend/partner etc

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Make a tape of loud screaming. Each time the phone rings, press 'PLAY'. No turning the tape off just because it's an important call!

Smear poo on your carpet.

Set your alarm at regular intervals throughout the night - get up, walk about a bit then go back to bed. Just as you drop off, the alarm will off again!

Lurk... This is very funny, I can't help reading it. But a tad worrying when I am sitting here waiting to pop!!! Urghhhh

No no noooo, MI - I JUST got the theme tune to Clifford the effing Big effing Red effing Dog out of my head and you have brought it up again. I will go insane.

Turn your computer on and slam your hands up and down on the keyboard 20 times. Throw up on it. Open and shut your printer 40 times and then sit on it. Take all your computing equipment to the computer doctor.

Now, where's my cold cup of coffee?

Go on one of those reality TV programmes like 'shattered' which force you to have no sleep for a week. Or the one where you have to hold onto a car to win it Then go to work

Fill a spray gun with a noxious concoction of milk, vomit, snot and salt water - open wardrobe and spray, liberally

Fill two balloons with water and sand, then strap them inside your bra. Make sure there are plenty of puncture holes around the front to simulate leaky boobs

Attach nipple clamps to your boobs, every 2 hrs for at least half an hour, and not for sexual pleasure

Go into tescos cafe on a Saturday lunchtime, make sure it is full of builders and teenagers, then undo your bra, lift your top and hold it in your teeth making sure EVERYONE gets a good look.

Buy a big slab of green and blacks organic chocolaate then give it to a passing child on the street making sure you dont even have a crumb.

Get all you favourite lipsticks and grind them into paper and leave all over the house. Ditto with nail varnish. Liberally spill favoutite and expensive perfumes over the carpet.